My Mother In the Mirror

Saturday my sista roller set my hair. I should have taken some pictures because of course I slept on it and squished one side so its not as CUTE as it was Saturday. At anyrate, I looked in the mirror and I saw my Mother. Now normally I'd be sicken at that thought. Its not that I don't love my Mother. I love her dearly. If it hadn't be for her and GOD and yeah my dad I wouldn't be here. But when I looked in the mirror I remember when I was seven years old. I remember my Mother wearing her hair similar to this. I remember the shine in her eyes and her bright warm smile. My Mother and I have had a strained relationship for years. I don't think I can remember a time after I got my first menstrual cycle that we ever got along. When my parents divorced its got worse. I think constantly I fought with my Mother mentally because of my parents split. I, the self-proclaimed "Daddy's Girl" blamed her for everything. Once the split was permanent I looked at the way she handled her relationships there after, I swore to myself I would NEVER be like my Mother. NEVER, ever. What's the phrase, "never say never"? Well that couldn't be further from the truth. Because I have embodied so many of my Mother's characteristics and behaviors I am almost ashamed to admit them. Its weird how we can acknowledge the cycle and the desire to break it, yet we roll on anyway. So These thoughts and/or revelations that I have been having not only about my Mother but about my Mother's side of the family in general, have given me a new appreciation for them. The women on my Mother's side of the family - all single - all previously married are strong. A strength I probably never really noticed as child or a teenager. We place so much emphasis on having men in our lives (we as women) that I think we lose our own strength in that. My Mother and her sisters, although I'm sure they all want Cinderella happiness and glory they; Dawn, Colleen, and Evelyn, are beautiful, smart, and strong w/o it. So I pledge to carry on the strength of the Charity women along with the Charisma of the Cotman family(my father's ppl) with hopes that the cycle that's been created - these single strong women w/o men to head the homes to be broken with myself, Lisa, Lenora, Melissa, and Arese. I love my Mother and my Aunties very much. I hope that I can be just as half as strong as they are and when I do have children that I can teach them to be just as strong as me. I know the importance of family, the importance of the trinity in the home God, Husband & Wife. My parents raised me well, mind you I didn't have a story book life by far - but there's no need to complain for had it not been for the struggles that lead me here, God where would I be? I thank God for the struggles, the pain, the heartbreak, the times when we were on gov't assistance, the times when I had no mode of transportation, the times when my love and trust were taken for granted, the times when I had no friends to support me, I thank him for all those things and those I didn't mention because as I said before they shaped and molded me into who I am now. Daughter, Sister, Niece, Aunt, Cousin, & Friend. Thank God for my Mother because I am her and she is me....

~shai~