several personalities but only ONE woman

I am TIRED and yes I can't believe I am awake either.
Just wanted to post this pic from the Masquerade Housewarming I attended as well as helped set up.

I was fun playing the role of celebrity...

but now its back to the grind!!!

"Bouncy" aka Shai

Sushi

Today I’m feeling raw with emotions
So sensitive that it’s sickening
Often times I ask myself why did God make me a woman?
My emotions rule my body
I hate it
Moods dictate the day’s productivity and I act as though the sun rises and sets on my behind at times.

Today.

Today I’m feeling raw
Emotions, thoughts, ideas are busting at the seams of my heart/mind/soul and I don’t know what to make of it. I just know that God is moving daily even when I don’t acknowledge Big G like I should he keeps looking out for me…Thank You!

ASHE!

Listening to this Dwele CD I got from Blasian last night….its so on time. I mean I’m still feeling raw and yes I’m on some “phuck da world don’t ask me for ish” type stuff (oh yea and I can talk about Big G and cuss in the same paragraph and/or thought cuz we go back like dat, don’t be mad you can’t) But its like I don’t know, I’m a complex individual who wants to be heard over the chaos of the world. . .like a kid pouting for some cookies while his Mama trying to pay a bill or go through the check out line at Safeway. . . sidenote: how do Mama’s learn to tune they kids out anyways…..

I just want to start today over, because today is just *ugh*
Hopefully tomorrow will be much better on a semi-lighter note. I have been writing more not completing anything but at least starting the thought process….until later I am

RAW

Raw like Eddie Murphy in tight purple pants
Raw like Samantha Raheem who is human w/o excuses
Raw like Sushi……

Konichiwa!

This is how I be feeling sometimes.....but I then remind myself
I be like:

SELF - your name is LOVE so do YOU suck??

~love shai~

When two becomes one...

….this weekend would have been my wedding weekend

So it’s raining here and I’m thinking to myself…wow this would have been the night of the rehearsal dinner. They calling for rain tomorrow, wow – rain on my wedding day I would have been crying for days. GOOD THING – we broke up! As far as the relationship goes I feel real indifferent about it. I mean I’m happy to be single to be able to do whatever I want without having to take into consideration someone else’s feelings. At the same time tho’ I’m bothered that I thought that this was it, that WE would be able to work things out. Because aside from the issues we both had e’rything was lovely. We’d laugh and have fun together….he was insecure and possessive. I was tired of looking at the same four walls e’ryday I wanted to be social. We are from different social classes but I figure that shouldn’t make a difference. In the truth of it all – it does make a difference.  Even tho’ I can run in any circle and find a level of comfort, he couldn’t. So my bourgeois friends/co-workers would often times make him feel uncomfortable….


during happier times, even tho - those times weren't really THAT happy



When we first broke up I was SO anti-love. Especially around valentine’s I bahum bugged e’rything. Then I started dating someone else with the strict stipulation that I wasn’t looking to be in a “relationship”; then ENDED up in one. Allowed things to go haywire – ended that – and just fell into another situation, that I put the brakes on real quick. I’m looking at this snowball effect of it all….and right now I’m feeling like ITS WHATEVA. Just doing me and having fun and if that means breaking a few hearts or hurting some feelings then - OH well; now I know that doesn’t sound positive at all….but what else do I do?  Sulk in the house eating cookie and cream ice cream like my mind gone bad? Or enjoy this life while I’m here?

I CHOOSE LIFE.

Some people seem to think I’m too picky, but when I get married it’s for keeps. I don’t believe in divorce. I believe in DEATH do us part, yes DEATH. (Take that how you want to) Both sets of my grandparents are still married. I want to have that long time love….I want or need someone who’s willing to work as hard as I do or harder. Ya feel me? Compliment me on all levels and I do the same. Open lines of communications and able to let me be me – I’m a complicated woman. Probably more complicated than most its going to take a special person to be able to adapt to me…I was told yesterday I was a FREE SPIRIT doesn’t that sound like free alcohol? *giggle*

I have had my moment of reflecting and I’ve mourn what could have been…now its time for FUN!!

Where the party at?

Sweet Lie

swallowed the lie
when you told me you loved me
and I allowed it to fester in my body
grow slowly
thought
I had digested it
but it only grew
swore that I swallowed it
passed it with the rest of the sh*t
you told me
but obviously
I didn’t
held on to it as if the slightest
bit of truth that was dwelling with in
and it would keep me from
the reality
that you don’t love me
and this...
...was just a fleeting moment

Blurred vision

I guess I got a theme going on with this Cloudy Water and Blurred Vision I guess next will be Stuffy Nose, Scratchy Throat, and Itchy Butt? *giggle* at any rate, today’s topic has to do with people misrepresenting themselves.  In recent events, someone I had been going out with seriously misrepresented himself. Making me believe that he was hard-working, God-fearing, and a concrete person; I know that no one is perfect. I am Miss-Imperfect living in an imperfect world seeking perfection in my walk…. However, I TRY (notice I said try, because I’m sure I may have faltered in some situations) to always put the REAL me on front street, in dealing with relationships. You know we have to wear masks in the workplace – but that’s for another blog entry.  I let folks know from the gate – or at least I try to – depending on the situation and their purpose; know who I am what I am about and my background. I am just …. Disappointed that he felt the need to mislead me, and I don’t understand what I do to make men want to be someone they aren’t. I mean do I really come off as the type of person who doesn’t respect other folk’s thoughts, ideas, and lifestyle choices? I mean really – I’m a poet – I am supposed to be open minded.

With this said….
Have you ever found yourself hiding your true self from people?
Why? Do you think that you would not be able to do the things you do or get away with whatever you get away with being yourself? Do you think there’s a fine line between being real and being rude?

Like I said before I try to be me at all times.
But I know I’ve found myself in situations over these last 29 years of my life, where I can’t be myself. Not saying that being me would change things. Just that some other persona takes over. I can’t explain it. But I just hope that I will be able to hinder her poppin’ up in the future and just BE me. .. .smart, funny, intelligent, beautiful, and genuine.

“Mike Jones”
“WHO?”
“Mikes JONES!”

~Shai~

Cloudy Waters

Cloudy Waters….     

Things cloud my mind often and sometimes my judgment. But I press on. Sometimes, I sit back well lots of times I sit back and I think….if things were different where would I be. I cannot go back and do things over, so I have to work with what I have.  But anyways….

It bothers me that folks can look at your life and try to tell you where you need to go or what you need to do.  Now mind you a lil nudging advice is cool. But for people to downright JUDGE your situation and circumstance as if they are in a place to do so is down right WRONG. I try; really I do try, to keep my own opinions to myself. Because I am not innocent of the judging at all, however as I have become older and have had life experiences I have learned that when you are someone’s friend – it doesn’t give you the permission to be rude (as Nadine would say).  You can say things in love without tearing someone else down. Or at least, be humble enough to say “I too have found myself in this situation however, blah blah blah” this would lead the person to believe that you are not “judging” them but you are empathizing with their situation.

I say these things to say, that I ask God daily to help me hold my tongue.  The tongue is the most powerful weapon we have and I try to use it for good not evil. But it’s SO hard when my temper flares like bull nostrils at a bull fight.  I get this anger from my Dad’s people, I can admit that.  But I get my silence from my Mom’s folks and yanno sometimes the silence is unhealthy, because it can lead you to POP at any minute. Now after saying that I ask you…

Have you ever found yourself in a place where you were unjustly judged? Have you judged someone without thinking that it’s more of a hindrance more than help? What have you done to release good karma?

~Shai

If you crying what the baby gone do?

If you crying, what the baby gone do?

Listening to: Touch the Sky Mix CD (cop dat cop dat, mixed by URs truly)
Location: at the J-OB be eazzzzeeeee
Mood: sweeter than the first kiss on a nice Friday evening in amidst of our Indian Summer


Today is Wet Wednesday, it’s rainy and gloomy. So why do you ask am I cheery and happy. I’m here in the land of the living God what other reason would I be to be happy. I have another day to do what I’m here for.  But enough of that . . . let’s get to the meat of this blog today.

Yanno I have been riding the relationship roller coasted for the past I’ll say 3 years now. Up and down around and back. Mind you I HATE ROLLER COASTERS literally; I have a fear of ‘em. But it doesn’t stop me from jumping from one ship to the next. I call it “the meantime” ride.  But most of the time I fall right back where I hadn’t intended, committed to someone who either isn’t really ready for it or just don’t do it for me in all the ways I need it. I need TP, no not toilet paper, the TOTAL PACKAGE. Now some may say – hey you better take what you can get because e’ryone doesn’t have a body like TO and a face like Boris and a mind like Cornell and bank like Jordan you just not gonna find that.  Hey, now those things are nice but they don’t make up my check list (checklist coming if ya interested) of what I want and need in a helpmate; either way, NOW it’s not my focus. Even if temptation comes along they are just going to have to be able to wait, because I got SOMETHINGS I need to do for me, ya feel me?

I say that to say this (yea’ I took your phrase and what?) First things first, that’s where we’ve been getting it all wrong. We aren’t putting first things first.  Yanno I have a few nice things and my life is pretty nice in comparison to some folk. I have a place to call home, food in the fridge, car with gas in it, clothes in my closet, family who loves me, and friends who adore me no matter how scatter-brained I can be.  These things some people may envy.  But don’t allow my shine to make you go blind! I feel like because if your (and I’m speaking in generalities but really about sweetn’lo) ish isn’t together don’t put your lack of initiative on me. Don’t pout and whine and complain that you need someone to help you do this that and the third. Now mind you there are plently of things that we need help with. Most of the stuff that I have acquired didn’t come from just me alone, BIG G had lots to do with it along with those people he sent me on the way.  I say that to say this (I did it again – hehehe) FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD, peep the book of James its all there.  How long will you sit on your duff, with your head under the sand, pouting because you were dealt a bad hand? As the title says; “waa waa waa” if you crying what the baby gone do…

Here’s a tissue for your issues…
Wipe them eyes and let’s crack them knuckles and get to work…

~Shai

“I gotta testify, come up in the spot looking extra fly – fo da day I die Imma touch the sky!” – Kanye West

Salt of the Earth

Its been over a week since my last blog entry. I just haven’t had the energy for it. Sunday I was at the computer and had time to write something but I wasn’t really sure what to write or what really was important enough to address in a blog (like something has to have a level of importance to write about it?!?)

I went to Church on Sunday, trying to strengthen and straighten my walk in Christ. It was truly a blessed service. We read Genesis 39 – and discussed Favor. It was soooooooo good. I felt blessed from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. As usual the service spoke to me; I have yet to attend service and couldn’t get anything from it. I LOVE IT!

It’s so hard for me sometimes to let go of my strength and show my vulnerable side, if that makes sense. It’s obvious to me that I’m not strong, but I front like I am.  I can’t let anyone know how emotional I really am, and it seems the harder I try to hide it the more it shows.  I’m trying hard to lean on Big G, because that’s what we are supposed to do – I think this Independent Woman thing (Question! Tell me whatcha feel about….okay quick DC moment) like I was saying this whole I am a Woman and I can take care of myself I don’t need your help – is more of a hindrance than anything.  I don’t want to play the role of Damsel in Distress it’s like where is the GRAY area!!!! But here’s my problem I HAVE NO GRAY AREAS!!!! *arrggh* I am either handling business on my own – or I’m leaning. I hate depending on other people for things. I want to do it all on my own. I will too, do it all on my own one day. Just me and Big G – rolling hard like two kids skippin school to go to the mall….

The older I get the more I realize how spoiled I really am and even tho’ I’ve learned to “make do” with what I have, I always want and desire more.  Even still it amazes me how Daniel has so much to do with the woman I’ve become. I wonder, who I would be if I had never met him or at least never given him my number; what year was that, 1992 – wow – a million years ago. Growing up a young, vibrant teen-ager, I was flirt, I smiled a lot, lived care-free, I was rough around the edges, not girly AT ALL, okay maybe slightly but not really. I can’t believe at the age of 16 I let him “mold” me – ewwww he was a PIMP. Dang it!!!

Here’s a Question

How do you shed 13 years of molding? How do you find yourself under all the pain and hurt that altered your behavior, your way of thinking, your life? (okay how did I get here, I thought I was going to talk about being the salt of the earth?)Even tho’ quite a bit of who I am has changed in the years, I am eagerly seeking the woman I was before. The sassy independent chica who took no ish; where did she go?

As much as I say that I’m so much like my Mother, I see my Father in me as well. I get in the moods where I just don’t want to be bothered with people. I just wanna close myself up in the house and just BE. I miss that. I missed the times when folks weren’t thinking about me, wanting me to go to parties with them or the next big event in town. When I used to come home from work, watch Law and Order, eat Chinese, get to know myself, and go to bed.  Those were the times. WHEN WILL I GET MY OWN HOUSE???????

This is why I’m working part-time – to get my ISH together….

Okay – so I did ramble today – SO it’s my blog….
*poking tongue out*

I WANT FAVOR – I WANT TO BE THE SALT OF THE EARTH, give the world FLAVA!

~Shai