Salt of the Earth

Its been over a week since my last blog entry. I just haven’t had the energy for it. Sunday I was at the computer and had time to write something but I wasn’t really sure what to write or what really was important enough to address in a blog (like something has to have a level of importance to write about it?!?)

I went to Church on Sunday, trying to strengthen and straighten my walk in Christ. It was truly a blessed service. We read Genesis 39 – and discussed Favor. It was soooooooo good. I felt blessed from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. As usual the service spoke to me; I have yet to attend service and couldn’t get anything from it. I LOVE IT!

It’s so hard for me sometimes to let go of my strength and show my vulnerable side, if that makes sense. It’s obvious to me that I’m not strong, but I front like I am.  I can’t let anyone know how emotional I really am, and it seems the harder I try to hide it the more it shows.  I’m trying hard to lean on Big G, because that’s what we are supposed to do – I think this Independent Woman thing (Question! Tell me whatcha feel about….okay quick DC moment) like I was saying this whole I am a Woman and I can take care of myself I don’t need your help – is more of a hindrance than anything.  I don’t want to play the role of Damsel in Distress it’s like where is the GRAY area!!!! But here’s my problem I HAVE NO GRAY AREAS!!!! *arrggh* I am either handling business on my own – or I’m leaning. I hate depending on other people for things. I want to do it all on my own. I will too, do it all on my own one day. Just me and Big G – rolling hard like two kids skippin school to go to the mall….

The older I get the more I realize how spoiled I really am and even tho’ I’ve learned to “make do” with what I have, I always want and desire more.  Even still it amazes me how Daniel has so much to do with the woman I’ve become. I wonder, who I would be if I had never met him or at least never given him my number; what year was that, 1992 – wow – a million years ago. Growing up a young, vibrant teen-ager, I was flirt, I smiled a lot, lived care-free, I was rough around the edges, not girly AT ALL, okay maybe slightly but not really. I can’t believe at the age of 16 I let him “mold” me – ewwww he was a PIMP. Dang it!!!

Here’s a Question

How do you shed 13 years of molding? How do you find yourself under all the pain and hurt that altered your behavior, your way of thinking, your life? (okay how did I get here, I thought I was going to talk about being the salt of the earth?)Even tho’ quite a bit of who I am has changed in the years, I am eagerly seeking the woman I was before. The sassy independent chica who took no ish; where did she go?

As much as I say that I’m so much like my Mother, I see my Father in me as well. I get in the moods where I just don’t want to be bothered with people. I just wanna close myself up in the house and just BE. I miss that. I missed the times when folks weren’t thinking about me, wanting me to go to parties with them or the next big event in town. When I used to come home from work, watch Law and Order, eat Chinese, get to know myself, and go to bed.  Those were the times. WHEN WILL I GET MY OWN HOUSE???????

This is why I’m working part-time – to get my ISH together….

Okay – so I did ramble today – SO it’s my blog….
*poking tongue out*

I WANT FAVOR – I WANT TO BE THE SALT OF THE EARTH, give the world FLAVA!

~Shai