small sacrifices for the greater good

listening: Be Happy - Mary J Blige (our fave)
location: I think I should just not include this anymore I'm always home
mood: peace, surprisingly


"...even though I wasn’t there to hold your hand
or take your love from her
still
I remained an issue
Constantly served on the same plate along with previous females
who shared intimate moments with you..." - excerpt from Shai's Quietness

so its Wednesday since its 12 sumfin in the morning. I just finished writing something real real personal. So I'm trying to decide if that's what my blog should be about today or not. But I guess I already made that decision by quoting the poem and the title. So how should I put this. . . I don't know. Once upon a time a girl met a boy - she fell in love wit him and he her. Eventually they realized that although their love was strong it wasn't strong enough to extend over the distance they were apart as they both NEEDED physical affection along with mental/emotional. Other changes came into play. She(meaning I) tried to hate him but it didn't work. She put on a real good front for everyone - even for him at times. But it was constantly knocked down by the fact that their bond was spiritual. SO NOW - he has a "friend" whom isn't too keen no our friendship because of our past history. I understand how she feels - hell if I was her I'd feel the same way. So he and I are on hiatus as far as our friendship is concerned. That troubles me because I have finally been able to come to grips with our friendship and the lines and boundaries that should be placed there. Finally I am able to be HIS FRIEND and not get my feelings hurt at the mere thought of him going on with his life. FINALLY. Let's EXHALE for me please - - ahhhhhh. But now, now he had to make the decision - keep our friendship intact or work on building with a woman who could very well share his last name in the future. . . alas I feel like the white dude at the 68 Olympics - there in the picture but completely oblivious to the history being made. . . I digress. So now as I read over this and think. . . I thank GOD for the strides I've made with that. I never thought I'd be able to be his friend his true friend...not someone harboring feelings and living each day with ulterior motives (did I spell that right?) THANK YOU JESUS for setting me FREE!!

if anyone wants to see or hear the entire poem - hit me up with an email and I'll bless you wit that...

always learning and growing
the muse formerly known as Shai

learn to keep your mouth shut...

listening: a/c unit blasting
location: home, where else I'm broke?
mood: indifferent

I told myself I was going to write on this blog 3 times a week, MWF. That way I don't ignore it or myself. As writing has always been therapuetic for me. Today's thought bubble is learning when to be quiet or SHUT YO' DAMN MOUTH! I will only speak for myself. I am like a light switch. Either I'm on or I'm off. I am NEVER EVER in the middle. Anytimes you may catch me dimming is when I'm trying to stay neutral. But know that I am always one way or the other. Left or right, hot or cold, black or white, pork or beans, spic or span. Never both. So today I implore you to search yourselves and ask yourself, has there EVER been a time when I said "self, SHUT UP!"? Then say - "Did I indeed shut up?". I say all these things to say this, a very good friend of mine said that sometimes we as women analyze too much we question too much instead of just going with the flow. . .and far be it for me to argue. I always analyze it helps when making decisions - and I can tell you this I AM TIRED OF DATING!!!! I hate abiding by rules, I hate wondering what the other person is thinking or feeling, I hate guessing. I'd rather say hey this is how I feel DEAL WITH IT. . . .okay so the spoiled side of me is out today....perhaps I'll be back later to write more...loving me maybe a lil too much

~Shai

Back then they didn't want me. . . .

music: I ain't got nothing (On the Grind) - David Banner
location: H to the izz O (mi casa)
mood: doing the back stroke in thought waters

So I'm chillin like a villian in my b-boy stance, clockin' all the honeys as they pass. . .. yea' I'm trippin' At anyrate - I was watching the Bakwoodz video "You're gonna love me" and the dude was talking about back in the day the women used to treat him like Urkel the Nerd but now they flock when they see his Lebrons(?) on the curb. This made me think of the ingenious Mike Jones "Back Then" song and as my mind started to add links to the chain "clink clink" I was thinking why is it that some women determine a man's worth by his bank? Why is it that some women would only date men who either have a real good job or work the street corners well. "clink clink" Back then they didn't want me now I'm hot they all on me MIKE JONES "clink clink" Back then women were domesticated. We didn't work outside of the home, we had children and kept the home clean and depended financially solely on the man to provide. I think that these deeper rooted issues that some women have with not being totally independent may seep back to those times. Helllll let's go even further back "clink clink" to days of men living in caves as many scientist/anthropologist or whatever other ist claim to have happened. Men selected their mates by their abilities to have children, where did the term "child bearing hips" come from? Also their beauty played a role as they would want beautiful children. Same with women, we selected men by how they can provide for the home, is he strong? how much antelope did he kill this week? does he keep nice furs(lol) "clink clink". I believe that these ways of choosing a mate transcended into our culture now - however as times change and roles change not always do our mind set. As we add in the changes Women's Rights, equal pay for equal work, affirmative action and the like I believe that we as women play a role into what men deem as important and how to attract and keep a woman."clink clink" Its funny I think this topic is deep and there's NO WAY I can convey ALL that I think and feel about it in one journal entry. However, I will say this. . . there are too many MEN who do not work, who do not take care of their children, who do not take care of themselves and I think that this is in part where some women have coddled them. As we now can go out of the home and often times have made more money and have made ourselves so independent that men are insecure. This is not an excuse by far. I believe that EVERYTHING starts at home if we as children have proper role models and a good foundation - we will learn that if you don't work ya don't eat (as my Daddy used to tell us). I feel like I'm rambling on and away from the topic. Unfortunately some women have taken advantage of some men's good fortune and have made them rather pimp women who have their own baggage and insecurities. This leads to "pimpin" being a Pop Culture phrase of acceptance "clink clink" so who am I blaming for men wanting all these flashy things and women with no good home training succumbing to illicit behaviors so that they too can "bling bling". . . .no one really - I'm just thinking HOW can we FIX IT? There's nothing we can do with these adults, sad to say but its true. The only thing we can do is instill good habits and practices in our children. Teach them what's right and what's wrong and pray to God that these things will stick with them through out life. "clink clink" Me, Myself? It would be nice to have a man who banks 100,000 a year and has a fleet of cars, and houses and can travel the world. . . but I'm a simple woman and I enjoy simple things. I'd rather have a man who I can build wealth with than have a man who's extremely wealthy and expects me to be his play thing. I have no problem being Holly Homemaker and accepting the roles that come with that, but by no means will I become the VIDEO VIXEN. "CLINK CLINK"

Content with who I am

music: new Vivian Green CD
location: at the hizzle (at home)
mood: happy

Today was a MONDAY typical in that I got up to go to work and came home. These last past eight months have been - different for the lack of a better word. I've been engaged, single, and spoken for all in the course of these eight months. I've been completely alcohol free to stumbling down the stairs of a local club to fall into the arms of a chocolate teddy bear. I've been homey in sweats with my hair all over the place - I've been glammed up and definitely the one who stood out in a crowd of my peers. My heart has been warm with love like hot apple pie from Grandma's kitchen and colder than ice pops in Alaska only eager to feed my own wants, needs, and desires. Here I find myself back where I started from loving freely, wildly, and openly. I like this side of me. I love giving of myself until there is almost nothing left. Why? I have no clue but its who I am. I'd like to swim in this feeling, secure, safe, confident, knowing. . .questions. Am I perfect? No. Do I have it all together? No. More importantly do I love myself? YES. Do I have goals? YES. Am I focused - well I am a lil hazy but its all goooooood.
My friend Slim and I are doing well - AGAIN back where I wanted us to be from the beginning gushy with love and fresh with thoughts of tomorrow.
I've been reading the Video Vixen book. I swore I would NOT buy this book and add to this woman's wealth - cuz I'M BROKE and her she gets MORE money for telling people how many folk she slept with. Now I am going to be honest - my heart goes out to her for having such a hard life. My life was no where near as HARD as hers. I can't judge her because I've done some things I am not too PROUD of but I dunno I hope this book helps young girls in the same circumstance make better decisions. I'll let ya know what I really think when I am finished reading the book.
I took a mile walk today - only 15 mins and I actually sweated - boooo at me. Although I've always been a big gurl - I've normally been in "shape" for the most part. Meaning I had stamina and was active - in my 'old age' I have just dwiddled down to a couch potatoe!! OH NO! I will be 30 next year and I anticipate being back down to the size I was when I started college. Not that it was a svelte size or anything its much smaller than I am now. I just want to be healthy - I love being lovably big and always sexy even in my goofiness and silliness I've held some type of appeal. I can't explain it. But what I will call it is the Cotman Charm - because I swear its hereditary. My Grandfather, My Father, My Aunts, My Brother, My Cousin, Joi and wow ME!! Anyway I'm rambling now. . . . there's the update - I'm happy today and thankful for what I've been given...

relationships, split personalities, PUT GOD FIRST

music: listening to "the roots - you got me"
location:chillin at home
mood: I love me some me

I rearranged my bedroom because I need a change
plus its apart of my let's get organized mission

Recently I've been dealing with some trust issues in my new relationship. More of my issue than his. However, I've allowed other peoples perception to alter my own. Now in my heart - the trust is still there strong, in my mind is a different story. So I am at the point where I need to refocus and adjust my mental.

most of the times I'm pleasant and giggly. however as of late i've been moody and have my "inspecta gadget" shoes on. I am so ready for just a CHANGE. I am ready for a new career move, something BIG to happen with my writing, I'm just READY!!! oh yeah and a side note: HATING @$$ B*TCHES NEED TO JUST CLEAN THEIR HOUSE BEFORE THEY START RUNNING THEIR WHITE GLOVED FINGERS THROUGH MINE!!! (can you say bi-polar? that's that split personality stuff I've been tellin ya about)

I pray daily. I don't like when I get off my prayer flow. I know that you're asking yourself - wasn't she just cussing up a storm a few lines up? Yes I was. . .and? My relationship with G.O.D is mine - NE wayz like I was saying when my focus was there before this week e'rything was straight. I wasn't stressing about anything my focus was clear...when I pray I have a sense of calm over me. At anyrate I read Psalms 51 today and it clearly spoke to me. So peep that out yall. . .

loving life because I am a child of God. . .

~Shai

trust, do you have to earn it?

So I’m in a relationship . . . whoohoo?!? I went out this weekend with my friends. My “boo” went home to B-More to a wedding. One of my friends was like how do you know he doesn’t have a girl up there? I don’t. Aren’t you worried if he doesn’t call? Blah blah blah. Now normally I’d probably be bugging. I mean most women do, communication is such a BIG part of a relationship. But I don’t know I am at a point in my life where you got to love me or leave me alone. I don’t have the energy to play inspector gadget and hell I’m not trying to account for every minute of my day to someone – so why would I expect them to do the same? Although I do miss my "boo"; I’m trying not to allow the suspicions of my “friends” to rile me up. I must admit, that during my clubbing and imbibing intoxicating drinks I found myself in a compromising position. Luckily my friends were there to chastise me and keep me in line, I guess. I’m not worried. It is what it is, life is, and I have to take each day as it comes. I had a good full weekend, I hope he did too. But I’m ready to get back to the every day of work and play. I trust him, with my heart and my life. I hope he trusts me too. I pray regularly. Probably more these past two days than before just because normally I’m not out like I was this weekend. At any rate, I wonder when we as a people will stop being so suspicious of one another. I think people cannot have healthy relationships because of the lack of trust. People are so afraid of being hurt and being played that they sabotage their own relationships. When will we just let go and let things be? I mean yeah – Karma what you do comes back to you – the circle never ends but I feel like let people live their lives. If we get hurt its only to teach us a lesson or build us up for the ultimate. (How will I truly know what joy feels like and appreciate it if I've never expierenced any pain?) Each day I’m building and preparing for the next, are you? I trust wholeheartedly until you give me reason not to. Anywaaaayz – I need to get some work done today… at peace on earth ~Shai

Restructuring the person you knew before

As of late I have been soooooo lazy and unmotivated. I am not sure exactly what the cause is, if there’s some spirit hindering me or a strong hold or what. At any rate, I am making a resolve to get it together. My Cousin and I are supposed to write out a budget to start following next month and get our exercising back up to par. I know that I need structure or my life is all willy nilly. This weekend I HOPE to be able to do those things (reorganize) however, I know it may be difficult. I have LOADS of things on my “to-do” list outside of what I need to do. Chillin’ with my boo, working on Saturday, going to a cookout then out with some of my peoples, churchin’ it up on Sunday and the Watermelon Festival in Carytown. I am going to be SO tired.

I want to do more things that I want to do. The other day my old college roommate Fionda asked me what would I want to do or what would be the ultimate job/career for me. My response:
I’d wanna do my own thing which would be a myriad of different stuff
all creative I’d love to be a photographer and a fashion designer
a writer of course do some freelancing for various newspapers, journals, and such be a mommy with like 3 kids and one on the way be all extra earthy
living in a nice bungalow or a circle shaped home built from the ground up
make my own soaps and stuff have a garden and just be relaxed all the time

So I am planning to take this make shift list that I created in the IM session with Fionda and outline my goals with it. I need to learn to sew and how to make soap (lol making soap). I’m going to get it together, next year I will be 30 and I am looking forward to living life the way the creator intended – happy and busy.

So I bind the spirit of laziness RIGHT NOW and loose productivity and prosperity!

ASHE!!

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. . .

Often times we find something we love; whether it is music, food, clothes, weekly outing with friends or even a poetry venue. We love these things so much that we incorporate these things into our daily living. Until something changes and that thing that you once loved sooooo much becomes mundane and trite.
This often happens here in Richmond, with events. There’s a poetry spot that’s really hot and happening. Or atleast it used to be. Perhaps it still is. Either way, it was like my home away from home. I’d go weekly and even would hold charity spoken word samples at work for donations to get in if I had to. I went on a poetic sabbatical (I was boo’d up for about 2 years) – they say when you’re happy you can’t write. … that’s neither here nor there right now but I'll surely expound on that later. I hadn’t been to the spot in a WHILE. So I went for my birthday. Everything hasn’t changed per se a few things have the set up, the rules, the cover – but what I came for what I enjoyed what I CLAIMED TO BE MINE had changed, the “love” vibe was NOT the same. There was a National Spoken Word artist that came out (I peeped him in the corner of the room when I was performing) – he didn’t even GET ON THE MIC. When a poet who performs and sells product as their livelihood doesn’t perform at an open mic, you know “HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM”. Maybe I’m speculating. But recently a friend of a friend went there and it was his first time going. He didn’t really have a lot of nice things to say about it. He said the crowd seemed clique-ish. That doesn’t surprise me, that’s Richmond – people usually run in non-inclusive crews; yes even poetry crews. (Its probably like that everywhere) There’s mad hateration out here in the sticks. But it’s all good.

However with all that said, my question today is, how do we keep things from going stale? How do we grow and keep what brought people to the venue in the first place fresh?
Is there an expiration date on Venues and if so has anyone figured it out for Richmond? and has anyone been keeping up with Def Poetry Jam? Have they ran out of poets?

But I’ve always heard, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it – can someone please bring back the Old Soul that fed me sufficiently?

~Shai (looking back to the past so I can move easily in the future)

Its been a long time I shouldn't have left you. . .

with out a few words or something. I haven't been on vacation or anything. Just haven't been writing much. SOOO much has been going on its strange that I don't know where to start.
My cousin and I threw a cook out this past weekend.
We (well atleast I) had a BLAST!!
We had all kinds of food - plenty of adult beverages as well as kid friendly ones. Plenty of folks, music, and spades!! I had a lil too much adult punch as you can see me and my best friend Smoka are ten sheets in the wind on the picture.

It has been 7 months since I have been UN-engaged and surprisingly I find myself in another relationship. am I happy? actually yeah I am. My Mother actually got to meet my new "friend" on Saturday. Which went over well, they exchanged pleasantries she gotta plate and jetted. My Momma - always on a mission.

I am writing still just not as much as after my initial break with my ex-fiance. I am hoping to be inspired more and write more things to come. Many slams and open mics coming up I have to prepare for!!! I am not ready for my friend to see me perform yet. Because I haven't gotten comfortable with the stage again. I truly need to get back out there hard - especially since I am not babysitting right now. I can actually focus on something I enjoy doing...

My Grandmother is in rehabilitation after her knee surgery and my Grandfather just went to the emergency room with chest pains and his sugar up over 300. So needless to say my life has been sweet n' sour lately. But I'm dealing.

anyways ways - does anyone even read this thing???