Is there something in the water?

as you see this beautiful picture of black love, set in what I think is the Harlem Renny time, you think - what's in the water. (sidenote: I have been slackin on my journals because I've been working like a slave) I have several thoughts for my various blogs but have yet to expound on them. So I will start with this one...

is it JUST ME or is there something in the water? Seem like since my x-finance (spelled it that way on purpose) and I broke up it seems like every MAN I meet almost immediately begins to talk about marriage and a future. Although this is exactly what I want, it is spooky that these men are so easily and readily discussing the facts. I entertain them slightly but give most of them no real thought. I figure this is "game" as I approach the age of 30, the tatics of men change. So I must arm myself accordingly. *Wonder Woman bangles - ching - ching *

I learn so much more about myself as each year passes.
I wonder tho' when will WE (every living person) learn who they are be happy with that and thrive? *sigh* back to the topic at hand...

Most of these men look at me cross-eyed when I don't gush over their suggesting marriage to me. I know I'm marriage material I don't need them telling me that, they should have SEEN that years ago (can we say 2002? 2003?) SO no I will not JUMP at their suggestion even if it is complete with enough bling to blind me. I don't like the thought that I am a grudge holder, but SERVES 'EM RIGHT!! They have lived thier life the way they want - spent thier 20's chasing skirts, bearing children with various women, and breakin' hearts - and NOW wanna settle down. . .ahaha!! Needless to say the pool of eligible women, are either gay, dead, or in jail (lol - I shouldn't be laughing at this but ummm Lamar Hill has a poem that says this very same statement, yall should peep him) NE who - so it seems that the Men in the year of 2005 are doing a lil role changing and they are having a hard time finding a good woman..... hey we are not missing, we are just NOT readily available. (am I venting and rambling? prolly but its my blog!!!)

my suggestion to these men who are drinking this marriage inspired water...

1) strengthen your spiritual relationship
2) strengthen your mental
3) practice patience
4) bring more to the table than your good looks, good d!ck, and bad @$$ kids!
5) don't think you are the BEST she can do, know that you are blessed to have possibly found your "rib"(
6) build a friendship first (I can't say this enough)

So to those fellas who have come at me with the "marriage" game spewing out of their pie holds: although marriage is one of the destinations I plan to go to in life, my boarding pass right now is for loving me, cherishing me, and learning me!!
Yall may wanna get some Figi bottled water since its what Diddy drinks and he's not married yet.

I don't have all the answers, but I'm working on it!

~Shai

TAB.....

That is what they call me!

Conversations about

Yesterday a friend of mine I used to date was talking to me about the Tyra Banks show and how she dressed up as a 350 lbs woman and went on two blind dates.  To show how people treat overweight/large/obese folks. I didn’t see this episode, tho’ I tried to look it up online (I didn’t try that hard I was half sleep when I got off work)

He then commenced to ask me did I ever feel uncomfortable because of my size or if he had ever made me feel uncomfortable about it. Yanno that was the FIRST time we ever talked about it. Although I’ve been obvious a big girl for quite sometime; we never really talked about it…it sparked some thoughts tho. Just about my life growing up and my confidence. I started rambling on and on about how I dealt with being bigger as a teenager and young adult.

I really had sumfin I wanted to say about this topic – but I am so phreakin’ sleepy damn damn damn my part-time job…but yea’ when I get my check – I’ll be dancing like James Brown I got 15 hours already and its not even a week yet….

Back to my rant about being full-figured; I know it’s something that used to bother me greatly as a teenager. My Mom could always tell when I had a new crush – I’d be up extra early working out with, what is that ladies name? She’s always smiling and ish with blonde hair – dang it I am mad I can’t remember anyways…My Dad had some discouraging names he would call me – yanno back then folks thought they teased you enough you’d change….that works for some ppl and for others it doesn’t I guess. Being full-figured is just one aspect of who I am…through it all I am still loved and I am still blessed. Goal One is just to be healthy.  (DENISE AUSTIN!! That’s her name!!) I mean if we all were the same weight, height, shape – we’d be really BORING.  While we are on this topic – Saturday I was admiring myself in the mirror – I LOVE ME – I feel like I am getting more fabulous with age. I can’t explain it – its like I’m growing into my beauty (I am sure I’ve said this before it feels familiar) but that’s how I’ve been feeling… oh yea’ its interesting how the entire time we’ve been talking 8 years to date, we’ve never really talked about that – and it actually makes me smile to think that my radiant personality and beautiful smile kept that from being a topic – I mean it was so unimportant compared to the rest of me…*hehehe* oh yea I have another topic I need to hit this week too. . . but maybe I’ll put that on my yahoo blog…



Wasn’t it Eleanor Roosevelt who said, ”No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

So I haven’t been giving any consent out in the past and don’t plan on giving any out in the future – LOVE ME DAMMIT!!!

~Shai

Reason Season Lifetime

Reason, Season, Lifetime

I haven’t been ignoring my blog on purpose
I’ve been working hard and really haven’t had anything of “substance” or “interest” atleast to me to say. Lately tho’ I have been thinking about the whole people in your life for a reason thang…thinking about the people who have a daily affect on me. In some ways I have been waiting on God to remove some folks from my life. I guess he’s waitin on me to act like I want them removed…who knows…I am in the shut down mode (as usual for the cold months) where I limited my local social activities. It’s my cyclical season I suppose.  I just get this way from time to time….

I guess I’ll have more to write later…

love shai – the recluse

several personalities but only ONE woman

I am TIRED and yes I can't believe I am awake either.
Just wanted to post this pic from the Masquerade Housewarming I attended as well as helped set up.

I was fun playing the role of celebrity...

but now its back to the grind!!!

"Bouncy" aka Shai

Sushi

Today I’m feeling raw with emotions
So sensitive that it’s sickening
Often times I ask myself why did God make me a woman?
My emotions rule my body
I hate it
Moods dictate the day’s productivity and I act as though the sun rises and sets on my behind at times.

Today.

Today I’m feeling raw
Emotions, thoughts, ideas are busting at the seams of my heart/mind/soul and I don’t know what to make of it. I just know that God is moving daily even when I don’t acknowledge Big G like I should he keeps looking out for me…Thank You!

ASHE!

Listening to this Dwele CD I got from Blasian last night….its so on time. I mean I’m still feeling raw and yes I’m on some “phuck da world don’t ask me for ish” type stuff (oh yea and I can talk about Big G and cuss in the same paragraph and/or thought cuz we go back like dat, don’t be mad you can’t) But its like I don’t know, I’m a complex individual who wants to be heard over the chaos of the world. . .like a kid pouting for some cookies while his Mama trying to pay a bill or go through the check out line at Safeway. . . sidenote: how do Mama’s learn to tune they kids out anyways…..

I just want to start today over, because today is just *ugh*
Hopefully tomorrow will be much better on a semi-lighter note. I have been writing more not completing anything but at least starting the thought process….until later I am

RAW

Raw like Eddie Murphy in tight purple pants
Raw like Samantha Raheem who is human w/o excuses
Raw like Sushi……

Konichiwa!

This is how I be feeling sometimes.....but I then remind myself
I be like:

SELF - your name is LOVE so do YOU suck??

~love shai~

When two becomes one...

….this weekend would have been my wedding weekend

So it’s raining here and I’m thinking to myself…wow this would have been the night of the rehearsal dinner. They calling for rain tomorrow, wow – rain on my wedding day I would have been crying for days. GOOD THING – we broke up! As far as the relationship goes I feel real indifferent about it. I mean I’m happy to be single to be able to do whatever I want without having to take into consideration someone else’s feelings. At the same time tho’ I’m bothered that I thought that this was it, that WE would be able to work things out. Because aside from the issues we both had e’rything was lovely. We’d laugh and have fun together….he was insecure and possessive. I was tired of looking at the same four walls e’ryday I wanted to be social. We are from different social classes but I figure that shouldn’t make a difference. In the truth of it all – it does make a difference.  Even tho’ I can run in any circle and find a level of comfort, he couldn’t. So my bourgeois friends/co-workers would often times make him feel uncomfortable….


during happier times, even tho - those times weren't really THAT happy



When we first broke up I was SO anti-love. Especially around valentine’s I bahum bugged e’rything. Then I started dating someone else with the strict stipulation that I wasn’t looking to be in a “relationship”; then ENDED up in one. Allowed things to go haywire – ended that – and just fell into another situation, that I put the brakes on real quick. I’m looking at this snowball effect of it all….and right now I’m feeling like ITS WHATEVA. Just doing me and having fun and if that means breaking a few hearts or hurting some feelings then - OH well; now I know that doesn’t sound positive at all….but what else do I do?  Sulk in the house eating cookie and cream ice cream like my mind gone bad? Or enjoy this life while I’m here?

I CHOOSE LIFE.

Some people seem to think I’m too picky, but when I get married it’s for keeps. I don’t believe in divorce. I believe in DEATH do us part, yes DEATH. (Take that how you want to) Both sets of my grandparents are still married. I want to have that long time love….I want or need someone who’s willing to work as hard as I do or harder. Ya feel me? Compliment me on all levels and I do the same. Open lines of communications and able to let me be me – I’m a complicated woman. Probably more complicated than most its going to take a special person to be able to adapt to me…I was told yesterday I was a FREE SPIRIT doesn’t that sound like free alcohol? *giggle*

I have had my moment of reflecting and I’ve mourn what could have been…now its time for FUN!!

Where the party at?

Sweet Lie

swallowed the lie
when you told me you loved me
and I allowed it to fester in my body
grow slowly
thought
I had digested it
but it only grew
swore that I swallowed it
passed it with the rest of the sh*t
you told me
but obviously
I didn’t
held on to it as if the slightest
bit of truth that was dwelling with in
and it would keep me from
the reality
that you don’t love me
and this...
...was just a fleeting moment

Blurred vision

I guess I got a theme going on with this Cloudy Water and Blurred Vision I guess next will be Stuffy Nose, Scratchy Throat, and Itchy Butt? *giggle* at any rate, today’s topic has to do with people misrepresenting themselves.  In recent events, someone I had been going out with seriously misrepresented himself. Making me believe that he was hard-working, God-fearing, and a concrete person; I know that no one is perfect. I am Miss-Imperfect living in an imperfect world seeking perfection in my walk…. However, I TRY (notice I said try, because I’m sure I may have faltered in some situations) to always put the REAL me on front street, in dealing with relationships. You know we have to wear masks in the workplace – but that’s for another blog entry.  I let folks know from the gate – or at least I try to – depending on the situation and their purpose; know who I am what I am about and my background. I am just …. Disappointed that he felt the need to mislead me, and I don’t understand what I do to make men want to be someone they aren’t. I mean do I really come off as the type of person who doesn’t respect other folk’s thoughts, ideas, and lifestyle choices? I mean really – I’m a poet – I am supposed to be open minded.

With this said….
Have you ever found yourself hiding your true self from people?
Why? Do you think that you would not be able to do the things you do or get away with whatever you get away with being yourself? Do you think there’s a fine line between being real and being rude?

Like I said before I try to be me at all times.
But I know I’ve found myself in situations over these last 29 years of my life, where I can’t be myself. Not saying that being me would change things. Just that some other persona takes over. I can’t explain it. But I just hope that I will be able to hinder her poppin’ up in the future and just BE me. .. .smart, funny, intelligent, beautiful, and genuine.

“Mike Jones”
“WHO?”
“Mikes JONES!”

~Shai~

Cloudy Waters

Cloudy Waters….     

Things cloud my mind often and sometimes my judgment. But I press on. Sometimes, I sit back well lots of times I sit back and I think….if things were different where would I be. I cannot go back and do things over, so I have to work with what I have.  But anyways….

It bothers me that folks can look at your life and try to tell you where you need to go or what you need to do.  Now mind you a lil nudging advice is cool. But for people to downright JUDGE your situation and circumstance as if they are in a place to do so is down right WRONG. I try; really I do try, to keep my own opinions to myself. Because I am not innocent of the judging at all, however as I have become older and have had life experiences I have learned that when you are someone’s friend – it doesn’t give you the permission to be rude (as Nadine would say).  You can say things in love without tearing someone else down. Or at least, be humble enough to say “I too have found myself in this situation however, blah blah blah” this would lead the person to believe that you are not “judging” them but you are empathizing with their situation.

I say these things to say, that I ask God daily to help me hold my tongue.  The tongue is the most powerful weapon we have and I try to use it for good not evil. But it’s SO hard when my temper flares like bull nostrils at a bull fight.  I get this anger from my Dad’s people, I can admit that.  But I get my silence from my Mom’s folks and yanno sometimes the silence is unhealthy, because it can lead you to POP at any minute. Now after saying that I ask you…

Have you ever found yourself in a place where you were unjustly judged? Have you judged someone without thinking that it’s more of a hindrance more than help? What have you done to release good karma?

~Shai

If you crying what the baby gone do?

If you crying, what the baby gone do?

Listening to: Touch the Sky Mix CD (cop dat cop dat, mixed by URs truly)
Location: at the J-OB be eazzzzeeeee
Mood: sweeter than the first kiss on a nice Friday evening in amidst of our Indian Summer


Today is Wet Wednesday, it’s rainy and gloomy. So why do you ask am I cheery and happy. I’m here in the land of the living God what other reason would I be to be happy. I have another day to do what I’m here for.  But enough of that . . . let’s get to the meat of this blog today.

Yanno I have been riding the relationship roller coasted for the past I’ll say 3 years now. Up and down around and back. Mind you I HATE ROLLER COASTERS literally; I have a fear of ‘em. But it doesn’t stop me from jumping from one ship to the next. I call it “the meantime” ride.  But most of the time I fall right back where I hadn’t intended, committed to someone who either isn’t really ready for it or just don’t do it for me in all the ways I need it. I need TP, no not toilet paper, the TOTAL PACKAGE. Now some may say – hey you better take what you can get because e’ryone doesn’t have a body like TO and a face like Boris and a mind like Cornell and bank like Jordan you just not gonna find that.  Hey, now those things are nice but they don’t make up my check list (checklist coming if ya interested) of what I want and need in a helpmate; either way, NOW it’s not my focus. Even if temptation comes along they are just going to have to be able to wait, because I got SOMETHINGS I need to do for me, ya feel me?

I say that to say this (yea’ I took your phrase and what?) First things first, that’s where we’ve been getting it all wrong. We aren’t putting first things first.  Yanno I have a few nice things and my life is pretty nice in comparison to some folk. I have a place to call home, food in the fridge, car with gas in it, clothes in my closet, family who loves me, and friends who adore me no matter how scatter-brained I can be.  These things some people may envy.  But don’t allow my shine to make you go blind! I feel like because if your (and I’m speaking in generalities but really about sweetn’lo) ish isn’t together don’t put your lack of initiative on me. Don’t pout and whine and complain that you need someone to help you do this that and the third. Now mind you there are plently of things that we need help with. Most of the stuff that I have acquired didn’t come from just me alone, BIG G had lots to do with it along with those people he sent me on the way.  I say that to say this (I did it again – hehehe) FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD, peep the book of James its all there.  How long will you sit on your duff, with your head under the sand, pouting because you were dealt a bad hand? As the title says; “waa waa waa” if you crying what the baby gone do…

Here’s a tissue for your issues…
Wipe them eyes and let’s crack them knuckles and get to work…

~Shai

“I gotta testify, come up in the spot looking extra fly – fo da day I die Imma touch the sky!” – Kanye West

Salt of the Earth

Its been over a week since my last blog entry. I just haven’t had the energy for it. Sunday I was at the computer and had time to write something but I wasn’t really sure what to write or what really was important enough to address in a blog (like something has to have a level of importance to write about it?!?)

I went to Church on Sunday, trying to strengthen and straighten my walk in Christ. It was truly a blessed service. We read Genesis 39 – and discussed Favor. It was soooooooo good. I felt blessed from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. As usual the service spoke to me; I have yet to attend service and couldn’t get anything from it. I LOVE IT!

It’s so hard for me sometimes to let go of my strength and show my vulnerable side, if that makes sense. It’s obvious to me that I’m not strong, but I front like I am.  I can’t let anyone know how emotional I really am, and it seems the harder I try to hide it the more it shows.  I’m trying hard to lean on Big G, because that’s what we are supposed to do – I think this Independent Woman thing (Question! Tell me whatcha feel about….okay quick DC moment) like I was saying this whole I am a Woman and I can take care of myself I don’t need your help – is more of a hindrance than anything.  I don’t want to play the role of Damsel in Distress it’s like where is the GRAY area!!!! But here’s my problem I HAVE NO GRAY AREAS!!!! *arrggh* I am either handling business on my own – or I’m leaning. I hate depending on other people for things. I want to do it all on my own. I will too, do it all on my own one day. Just me and Big G – rolling hard like two kids skippin school to go to the mall….

The older I get the more I realize how spoiled I really am and even tho’ I’ve learned to “make do” with what I have, I always want and desire more.  Even still it amazes me how Daniel has so much to do with the woman I’ve become. I wonder, who I would be if I had never met him or at least never given him my number; what year was that, 1992 – wow – a million years ago. Growing up a young, vibrant teen-ager, I was flirt, I smiled a lot, lived care-free, I was rough around the edges, not girly AT ALL, okay maybe slightly but not really. I can’t believe at the age of 16 I let him “mold” me – ewwww he was a PIMP. Dang it!!!

Here’s a Question

How do you shed 13 years of molding? How do you find yourself under all the pain and hurt that altered your behavior, your way of thinking, your life? (okay how did I get here, I thought I was going to talk about being the salt of the earth?)Even tho’ quite a bit of who I am has changed in the years, I am eagerly seeking the woman I was before. The sassy independent chica who took no ish; where did she go?

As much as I say that I’m so much like my Mother, I see my Father in me as well. I get in the moods where I just don’t want to be bothered with people. I just wanna close myself up in the house and just BE. I miss that. I missed the times when folks weren’t thinking about me, wanting me to go to parties with them or the next big event in town. When I used to come home from work, watch Law and Order, eat Chinese, get to know myself, and go to bed.  Those were the times. WHEN WILL I GET MY OWN HOUSE???????

This is why I’m working part-time – to get my ISH together….

Okay – so I did ramble today – SO it’s my blog….
*poking tongue out*

I WANT FAVOR – I WANT TO BE THE SALT OF THE EARTH, give the world FLAVA!

~Shai

Shaky foundation

Listening to: Tonex (gospel station on yahoo launchcast)
Location: at work
Mood: reflecting….

Everything in life has some sort of foundation. At least everything stable has a foundation. Houses, Cars, Computers, Make-Up…..RELATIONSHIPS! If the foundation is weak the rest of it will be faulty also. I say this to say that I’ve found that my previous relationships (not just romantic, but friendships as well) have all stood up to that policy. When you have a friendship/relationship with a STRONG foundation it weathers ALL storms. I got only a handful of friends who I can say stood the test of time – my cousin Ebony probably being the one who stands out amongst them all. We’ve been friends since I was in 3rd grade. Believe that we have had our “outs” and we’ve had growing pains. As adults although both of our lives have deviated from the paths we took together, we can always come back to what we once had. I have realized in the 29th year of my birth, that friendships are SO important. Its one thing to know they are important it’s another to KNOW they are important and to cherish what you have, show appreciation and do what you can. Make sacrifices for people who would without quorum make those same sacrifices. It’s not to say do things for people and expect anything in return. We do what we want to do. But we also do things to show appreciation. Does that make sense? Normally Imma love me or leave me alone type of person.  I love with my whole heart but in the same breath I have/had a tendency to see how this situation will benefit me and treat it accordingly. I’ll walk away from a relationship with the quickness. I think I’ve taken a few of my friends/relationships for granted with this attitude. TODAY IS A NEW DAY. I started it by telling my cousin I love her. I do. I appreciate her heart – it loves unconditionally. That’s a true friend.

this is ebony below


  

This brings me to the abrupt end of my dating my friend from Baltimore. Things fall apart. What more can I say. It seems as tho’ he says one thing (I won’t beg you to be with me) but then says another (but I don’t see why we can’t work this out). I wasted 12 years of my life putting faith in someone who I thought was on the same page with me. Someone who I thought shared the same convictions the same beliefs someone who I thought was built for me.  In thinking about it now, our foundation was faulty….and such things do, fall apart.

I implore you, if you cherish a relationship, a friendship, something that you have taken for granted make sure that you show your appreciation. It doesn’t mean shower someone with gifts just let them know how important they are. Send them an e-greeting or a hallmark card, make them gifts from hand if you want, write them a poem, or sing them a song. DO SOMETHING!! Look at your relationships – do they have a strong foundation? If not – they will soon fall….sometimes things must be destroyed in order to rebuild them…..with that said look at yourself (as I have been taking inventory myself) destroy the things of you that are not positive, uplift, not Christ-like, and rebuild a stronger foundation….its never too late…

With that I say

ASHE

Be blessed.

Shai


Feed me the breadth of knowledge of the WORD
And I shall grow full, never to hunger for or need anything more

"You do You and I'll do Me" - Sunshine Anderson

I've been MIA....took a part time job at nights so its like where's the time
listening to: the new music I got from my cousin Ebony
location: at work
mood: chill

I don't have much to say today - I'm doing me
single sexy and free - AGAIN - but its all good
Went out wit my best friend Tony on Friday....we had a decent evening
see pic below



its Monday - what more can we say?
Hopefully I'll be able to post now once a week on either Saturday or Sunday...
what's really good with folks - if ya reading this drop me an email or post a comment. . ....

Distractions distract from the Actions you lack to move on with. . .

listening to: Taralyn Ramsey Fan Station on Yahoo Launchcast
location: at work (shhh don't tell ne one)
mood: content

as I have become older I have noticed a lot of different things about my personality. Its interesting as I "get to know myself" that I am able to share my lil "quirks" with other people.  I feel like I’m growing into my beauty . . . does that sound funny? Hopefully I’ll take some pictures soon to share…

any who so I’ve been in constant search the past 3 weeks or so for a distraction. My current situation has gone from good to bad, and so I needed something to get my mind off that. Needless to say I had a distraction call me up on Thursday! Yea!! In retrospect, although this distractions is helping me keep my mind off the craziness of my pseudo-relationship, its also keeping me from handling that situation and being done with it.. .

anyways… off to the weekend

We are not meant to be alone

I think that sometimes we create ideas, theories, and hypothesis to make ourselves feel better about our situation. I had a thought bubble last night on my way home from work. In speaking with a few of my girlfriends from college, high school, co-workers and such most of us Women have the same desire; to find the “one” to marry, to have children, etc.  Many of us say that these things are not what define us and we do not need them to be whole. But as I was thinking about it, I beg to differ. We do need companionship to be whole.  I often rationalize the male/female ratio to why everyone doesn’t marry or have a significant other. (Again a theory as to the why’s) I have decided today – to stop questioning that. I know my value and my worth – it is not in my time when I will marry and have children (is that another theory I hear?).  At any rate, my theory is that we, women were created from the rib of man, as such Men are missing something important within themselves…women. I think when a man finds a woman who completes him on all levels he has then found his rib. We are puzzle pieces that alone are obscure but together create a picture worth staring at.  With all that said, I believe that we (humankind) are not meant to be alone. I cannot fathom that our Creator would create us in him image and then expect us to live a life of a recluse.  I do not think or at least I do not theorize that means everyone will marry, but I do not think everyone is meant to live their lives without a companion of some sort. Okay – I think I’m rambling or sumfin perhaps I should have written this yesterday when I had this wonderous thought bubble. . .

~shai~

My Mother In the Mirror

Saturday my sista roller set my hair. I should have taken some pictures because of course I slept on it and squished one side so its not as CUTE as it was Saturday. At anyrate, I looked in the mirror and I saw my Mother. Now normally I'd be sicken at that thought. Its not that I don't love my Mother. I love her dearly. If it hadn't be for her and GOD and yeah my dad I wouldn't be here. But when I looked in the mirror I remember when I was seven years old. I remember my Mother wearing her hair similar to this. I remember the shine in her eyes and her bright warm smile. My Mother and I have had a strained relationship for years. I don't think I can remember a time after I got my first menstrual cycle that we ever got along. When my parents divorced its got worse. I think constantly I fought with my Mother mentally because of my parents split. I, the self-proclaimed "Daddy's Girl" blamed her for everything. Once the split was permanent I looked at the way she handled her relationships there after, I swore to myself I would NEVER be like my Mother. NEVER, ever. What's the phrase, "never say never"? Well that couldn't be further from the truth. Because I have embodied so many of my Mother's characteristics and behaviors I am almost ashamed to admit them. Its weird how we can acknowledge the cycle and the desire to break it, yet we roll on anyway. So These thoughts and/or revelations that I have been having not only about my Mother but about my Mother's side of the family in general, have given me a new appreciation for them. The women on my Mother's side of the family - all single - all previously married are strong. A strength I probably never really noticed as child or a teenager. We place so much emphasis on having men in our lives (we as women) that I think we lose our own strength in that. My Mother and her sisters, although I'm sure they all want Cinderella happiness and glory they; Dawn, Colleen, and Evelyn, are beautiful, smart, and strong w/o it. So I pledge to carry on the strength of the Charity women along with the Charisma of the Cotman family(my father's ppl) with hopes that the cycle that's been created - these single strong women w/o men to head the homes to be broken with myself, Lisa, Lenora, Melissa, and Arese. I love my Mother and my Aunties very much. I hope that I can be just as half as strong as they are and when I do have children that I can teach them to be just as strong as me. I know the importance of family, the importance of the trinity in the home God, Husband & Wife. My parents raised me well, mind you I didn't have a story book life by far - but there's no need to complain for had it not been for the struggles that lead me here, God where would I be? I thank God for the struggles, the pain, the heartbreak, the times when we were on gov't assistance, the times when I had no mode of transportation, the times when my love and trust were taken for granted, the times when I had no friends to support me, I thank him for all those things and those I didn't mention because as I said before they shaped and molded me into who I am now. Daughter, Sister, Niece, Aunt, Cousin, & Friend. Thank God for my Mother because I am her and she is me....

~shai~

Up Against All Odds

listening to: he can't love you - Jagged Edge
location: at work (shhhh don't tell anyone)
mood: Happy

So I am listening to yahoo launchcast and up against all odds by Tarralyn Ramsey come on. I LOVE THAT SONG! It makes me look back on my life and think about the decisions I have made that led me here. I dont regret ANYTHING. At least that is the revelation that has hit me today. (sidenote: I spoke to u know who online today but didnt have it in me to say much more) Im sure if you asked me anytime before now and Id probably regret many things. But no sense in rehashing the past, what will that do for my future? Knowing my past and learning from that is one thing but to live there would be a waste of time and energy. With all that bunch of nothing said, I say this Thank God I have my memory and a few pictures to help me treasure my happy times and my not so happy times. This is the only life I have as Tabatha Ann CXXXXX, in my next life I may be a monkey flinging poo at the Bronx Zoo. So Im just going to live.

Lets talk about these people in NaLeans. WOW. Its sad to see all this going on. I wish I could do something other than give money. I want to help clean up and rebuild and restore. See this is the time when hitting the lottery would come in handy for me. Then I wouldnt have to work and I could be a philanthropist. The price of gas is ridiculous too, but who doesnt already know that?! I just sit back and look in amazement. Ive looked for alternative ways to work and havent found any so far outside of biking or walking. But I live cross de riva. . . I cant see myself biking or walking over a bridge seems a bit frightful. I know that doesnt make sense because I drive my car over it. But Im clumsy I may trip over my feel and fall over the rail or lose control over the bike and get hit by on coming motorist. Ive applied for a night job at a local banking institution so hopefully Ill be getting that job and making some extra peanuts to put towards my petrol.

Oooh Emotional by Carl Thomas just came on. BOY O BOY. They are JAMMIN on launchcast today I SWEAR.

I really dont have too much more to write today. Things in my world are beautiful. Im not saying my life is in no way shape or form perfect. But something changed or happened to me in June which just made me a different person. Mind you Im still moody and spoiled but I dont complain as much, I dont worry as much, its just this unfailing light thats growing inside me lately I like it. . . its kinda warm and fuzzy and tastes like a mimosa from the Sheraton Sunday brunch. *giggle*

Hopefully Ill have time tomorrow to write in the blog at the normal blog time. If not this extra blogging fill the criteria as my three times a week critieria.

up against all odds, we were going up against all odds, trusting and believing in the miracle of love - Tarralyn Ramsey

~shai~

small sacrifices for the greater good

listening: Be Happy - Mary J Blige (our fave)
location: I think I should just not include this anymore I'm always home
mood: peace, surprisingly


"...even though I wasn’t there to hold your hand
or take your love from her
still
I remained an issue
Constantly served on the same plate along with previous females
who shared intimate moments with you..." - excerpt from Shai's Quietness

so its Wednesday since its 12 sumfin in the morning. I just finished writing something real real personal. So I'm trying to decide if that's what my blog should be about today or not. But I guess I already made that decision by quoting the poem and the title. So how should I put this. . . I don't know. Once upon a time a girl met a boy - she fell in love wit him and he her. Eventually they realized that although their love was strong it wasn't strong enough to extend over the distance they were apart as they both NEEDED physical affection along with mental/emotional. Other changes came into play. She(meaning I) tried to hate him but it didn't work. She put on a real good front for everyone - even for him at times. But it was constantly knocked down by the fact that their bond was spiritual. SO NOW - he has a "friend" whom isn't too keen no our friendship because of our past history. I understand how she feels - hell if I was her I'd feel the same way. So he and I are on hiatus as far as our friendship is concerned. That troubles me because I have finally been able to come to grips with our friendship and the lines and boundaries that should be placed there. Finally I am able to be HIS FRIEND and not get my feelings hurt at the mere thought of him going on with his life. FINALLY. Let's EXHALE for me please - - ahhhhhh. But now, now he had to make the decision - keep our friendship intact or work on building with a woman who could very well share his last name in the future. . . alas I feel like the white dude at the 68 Olympics - there in the picture but completely oblivious to the history being made. . . I digress. So now as I read over this and think. . . I thank GOD for the strides I've made with that. I never thought I'd be able to be his friend his true friend...not someone harboring feelings and living each day with ulterior motives (did I spell that right?) THANK YOU JESUS for setting me FREE!!

if anyone wants to see or hear the entire poem - hit me up with an email and I'll bless you wit that...

always learning and growing
the muse formerly known as Shai