Woman of Purpose

it is your determination
in a world of lack
you bring back more than a harvest
you bring back freedom for the generations to come
because
you
have purpose
dying daily in the flesh
no one sees
the past hurt because you work through the pain
never missing a beat
rising before the morning star
you prepare us for tomorrows coming
with out complaint
or expected reward
you toil during the day
sharing the gifts that God has given you
sharing the GOD in you
humbly placing yourself last
how can we
ever begin to say thank you?
the simple utterance of those words should offend you
because thank you in simple is
only being polite
truthfully
manners are only used in mindless banter
and it is with my whole mind that I recognize
WHO YOU ARE
woman of purpose
draped in valor
fear knows not your name
because it is with the FULL ARMOR
that you walk this earth
bind up every curse
and loose every blessing
you are
a living
testimony.

the power of the tongue

If lips could kill
Mine would be laced with so much venom
That our first kiss would
seal your demise instantly
I’d swallow your spirit
Watching you grasp for that very last piece of life
It would be my pleasure
To it steal from you
How easily you thought I’d be
Added to your list of mighty conquests
Never thinking that
This
Would be your last
Kiss
Just so you know that I carry no hard feelings
I’d blow a smidge of life back to you
enough that you would regret ever meeting me
Or perhaps ever trying to play me
Or better still your deepest regret would be
All the time you wasted before me
Because you
Like pain, drama, bs, foolishness
Wallow in it like pigs do their own feces
Never realizing how much
you stink
try to wash away the obvious
its hard to do when its permanent
as the days pass you’ll try to find memories to hold on to
look for photos from long before
relishing the moments when
you were in control
now your life has been checked at the front door
because you gave the keys away
allowed too many children in
bastards conceived in your harem mentality
thinking that you were king
all the while my queendom was just one moment away from
stopping your reign
inked a deal with the one who shall not be named
just so I could have the last laugh
silly rabbit
you didn’t know?
My lips
can
kill

Open Letter

you ever had something to say to someone but know that there was no real use in saying anything?

that's how I'm feeling about now....

so instead of sending a letter, email, or wasting my minutes with a phone call...I will just get it all our right here...

Dear You,

I will not say I hate you. But I am actually quite glad that you have let go fully and leaving no safety net for me. Despite how you feel - I know my intentions. I hope you enjoy your life. Since you have officially settled for the consolation prize. I always knew that you didn't have the fight in you. I would say the same for myself, but I am confident in my decisions no matter how irrational to the "world" they may seem to be.


Dear You - yes you!

I can't believe how you reacted to me telling you the truth. I would expect that you would understand. But I have to remember everyone isn't me. Not saying I am perfect - I know I am far from that but at the same time. It just seems like your disdain came so quickly as if your love never truly exsisted.


Dear You - yep YOU TOO

WOW is all I have to say about the things that I heard. I can't believe I've allowed it to get under my skin as it has. But I have. Its funny growing up we vowed now to be those people, you know the ones who are fraud, the ones who shine up their sh!t to make it appear to be better than it is, the ones who tear down someone else to build themselves up - or perhaps I was the only one who felt that way. Even though you and I have had our ups and downs - I thought we were past CCHS, popularity contest, and BS. Alas, I've come to see I was right the WHOLE time about you and all those you associate with (except a chosen few), you are plastic and void of real emotion, thought, and feeling...wow

***********************

that's enough letters for today maybe I'll write more later

Public Service Announcement!!

I don't know WHO but someone has been either hacking into my email OR creating a new email address and POSING as me!

I had a friend said this person IM'd him cussing him out using an OLD YAHOO ACCOUNT

and someone else saying that I was emailing them pictures of my fiance' BOTH things I did not do

SO to clear the record I am posting all my OLD screen names and letting e'ryone who knows me know what CURRENT ways they can get in touch with me

Previous Yahoo Screen IDS

lavonicalayne

daprecus1

sweetcreamscile

strawberributtah (oh yahoo and aol)

strawberriwetkisses

loveshai

loveshai1976

sistacharity

the most current user name and the ONLY one I use (I have deleted all previous accounts) is BLUEZATTITUDE

also for hotmail(both accounts are active) its:

sacrificeone (my poetry email)

t_a_cotman (my business email)

since this person must know more about me than they should I have CHANGED my passwords on ALL my accounts including MYSPACE, FACEBOOK, CHOCOLATEBRIDES and most recently MULTIPLY. I will be changing my password e'ry week to keep potential trouble makers from f*cking wit me with HIGHSCHOOL BULL SPIT!

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Tabatha A Cotman - the one and ONLY!

Untitled

somewhere in the shadows of insecurity her love lingers

floating on storm clouds

hiding the warmth of bliss

vaguely she remembers yesterdays

where no care was too big to swallow her happiness

but today she brings her umbrella

trusting the impending cloud burst

curse the wretched weathering

sullen

she sulks in her actions

wondering their origin

while she waits for him

never before has she felt this manic

it must be love

or is it the obsession of things hope for

drown herself

in the fantastic future realties

that may never be

she lives for tomorrows coming as if the present didn’t matter

because tomorrow will always be better

yet today

today is the resting place

for torn hearts of disappointment

where emptiness resides

the home of despondent desires constantly seeking refuge

in acceptance

she gazes upon the vision staring back from the looking glass

her reasons for being, dim like old light bulbs

as she forgets why

reaching back for yesterdays happiness she falls flat

on the face of today’s misgivings

constantly blaming herself

for

following her heart

for

running on emotion

for

plain not thinking

for anything and everything

until she

can no longer bear the face staring back at her

tosses out the umbrella

walks into the storm ready for its unforgiving pressure

knowing that her sanity

rests in how she handles its weathering

knowing that her life

hangs in the balance

swinging from the noose of regret

knowing that tomorrow’s happiness is based solely

on how she handles today

and now is not the time for crying

now is not the time for tears

now is time to

man the F*CK up

Mama didn’t raise no chumps

Dust the bullsh!t off

And

Walk

A

Way

Never to look back.

Fantasies

You provoke my imagination

take me to the limit

I smile at my fantasy’s possible impossibilities

wondering

when will we

push the limits

to see how far we could really get

look past the obvious obstacles

make the impossible

possible

I can keep a secret

just as long as you whisper

right

where

“she” can hear it

spell out what it is you need from me

while you

gratify my insatiable

that is

if you have the stamina to

go there

willing am I to take the chance

just so I can experience

my imagination’s

impossible possibilities

fantasies made real

even if

its only for the moment

I’ll savor it

like it was my last breath

and when my lips curl to speak your name

the sweet taste of yesterdays

will forever stain my memories

if

only

we

take the chance

on fulfilling our fantasies.

T'Day

Loves Company

I heard him
Call me out my name
Like a number in a bingo hall
Within that very moment
Time
Stood sill
My heartbeat
Became the soundtrack of my life
Its melody was heavy and thick
I stewed over his coldness
Like New Orleans jambalaya
As the silence between us grew
I began to get pissed
Livid that I even had to deal with this shit
Even if it was my mess to fix
So I
Retraced my steps
Tried to find where I might have slipped cuz I know I’m smooth at this
Ya see
The way my lips move
Would defy the prowess of Gail Denver, Flo Jo, and Marion Jones
I knew I was wrong
But did I deserve this?
Blatant as my disrespect of his business
Was he of my name sake
Raped me his home invasion
I was judged and sentenced
In less than 10 minutes without commercial intervention
Why lie
Truth is
I’m that
Snitch b*tch you’d never tell a secret to
That silent assassin
You never see coming
That private dick
tryin to catch ya slip so I can bring home the bad news
I heard him
Call me out my name like
A number in a bingo hall
And I refuse to apologize
Make you my company
Call me
Misery

Luv Syck

Luv Syck

deep within the abyss of eternity
resides unconditional
sickened by cupid’s arrow sting
I sit
dazed & blind
while commuters drive by
screaming obscenities
so oblivious am I
to the world around me
yet before me
I see a blurred mass of distraction
draped in black
holding my life source
I think
SCREAM
NOW
but instead I cry
solid whole tears that shatter concrete and shake trees
unsatisfied is the hunger that pulls at my heart strings
so I try to fill the emptiness with substitutes
who swallow my energy
just so they can remain half whole
convince myself that THIS will do
until I feel the echoes inside
reminding me that I’m sick
hopeless
incurable
disgustingly so far gone
that if I wanted to turn back now
I wouldn’t know the way
even if I did
my illness would render me immobile
like today
where I sit
in rush hour traffic
wondering
why
you
don’t
love
me

Board Games

Have you hung ya mind out today or
Is it still wet with the nonsense
Implanted during your conditioning
U run the race
Trapped in the maze
Society placed you in
Constantly trying to push pennies
Thinking you’d soon fold dollars
Because there’s real truth in the adage
It takes money
To make money
But 5 cent ideas will never give you 5 mil returns
yet you hold firm to the scheme
re-up
to double up
and you’ll come up
so much that it becomes your anthem
re-up
to double up
and you’ll come up
pockets full of investment
trying to make the best of this
life you live
never realizing the limits you’ve placed
got in your own way
yet you continue to blame
the cards you were dealt
refusing to become
a sell out
to the system
that made you
its painstakingly obvious
you’ve let them win
drinking your pain
pissing away your prosperity
remaining stagnant
pulling down everyone else in the process
enough with the propaganda bull shit
lets get real with it
LIFE AIN’T EASY
And if you think for one second that it ever will be
Then
You
are beyond help
might as well kill yourself
because you’ve already become a statistic walking
its simply sickening
I can’t wrap my brain around your thinking
so I say this without the coat of sugar
it would normally take
for the easiest pill to be swallowed
WAKE THE F*CK UP
This is life
Either play by the rules
Or let the rules play you

Crossing Over

I’ve been seeking my virginity
have you seen her?
she’s been
hiding from me
during my search
I reminisce about her and those times before
when I didn’t know what I know
when the flesh
couldn’t test my weakness
those days before
mini skirts and no panties
before
midnight episodes in the back
Of his Cutlass Supreme
before
french kisses
between classes
hidden monkey bites behind turtleneck sweaters
I’ve been looking
for my innocence yet
I lost she
at the pivotal age of 17
on full mattress and box spring
he bed me
King
wed me
teenaged bride
I cried
"no"
I cried
"stop"
but
he didn’t hear me
just continued to push into my soul
until it ripped and gave in
tore into my world until it let go and gave in
I
gave
in
and gave
way
un
willingly
tiptoed slow
alone
into womanhood
newfound feelings, desires, clouded my mind
and stature
no longer a child who dreamed big
I became a woman who loved hard
but only with the tangible
because
touch equals charity
and
all we truly ever want
is a little charity
unconditionally
given with
with no strings attached
I reminisce

I
didn’t fight back

I
should have fought back

I’m
looking for my virginity

have you seen her?

MY west side story

she
hates
me
there’s no way that I can blame her
when photos of my very self-have been found
intermingled in emails to you
surprises wrapped in nakedness with a bow that read
"for YOUR
eyes,
only"
my voice
lacing your answering service
thick and melodious
as if you
had just
left
no
I don’t blame her for hating me
for tearing each picture sent
every card or love letter written
for cursing my name everytime
804 mysteriously
appeared on your caller id
you don’t have to confirm it for me
I know
She hates me
and to be honest? I agree.
How apparent it is that I hate myself
for continuing to play concubine
second wife
in this poly-faux relationship
when I know what I deserve is
unconditional commitment
but I continue chase rainbows with Lucky
trying find gold at the other end
as you profess your love for me
daily
between hushed voiced phone calls
three word emails
and emergency grocery store trips for
butta pecan ice cream
how painful it must be
for her to continue to compare herself to me
yet never being able to tally up the whys
when she and I
are like night and day
and yes
it hurts
constantly falsifying my need to be
apart of your daily living
blowing hot air up my own skirt
as if I can complete you fully
when in truth
I am only the "good time gal"
because she
Is who you go home to
she is who you share a bed with
she is who your family knows
and I
I am fantasy
phone calls and emails
photo streams and
tags
messages that linger over digital connections
that
lasted over years that remain uncounted
this
digital ghost that is me
is who taps into her insecurities
because she will never be able to understand
why she
is not enough
and between the two of us
truth is
our love combined can never be enough for you
so I won’t waste my time hating her
nor will I pity her life as wife to you
I will just continue
to seek sustenance in
green clovers
blue diamonds
orange stars
pink hearts
and purple horseshoes

I Am Changing. . . .

I can't wait to get the soundtrack to this album. I saw this play at Coppin State this past June and it really hyped me up for the movie. . .I truly can't wait!!

a place, I never like to visit

A place called, Jealous

Here, in the land of the living
her spirit seeks weakness as prey
unsuspecting love affairs
break easily as she
feeds on uncertainties
cell phone rings with no responses
daylight hours turn into midnight moments
of emptiness
this
is her stage
the place in time where she
makes it her business to torture me with
possibilities of infidelities and other sickening imagery
that could easily drive me crazy
I try to ignore her soft fallacies reverberating in my subconscious
like echoes,
constantly bouncing off the partitions set in place to protect my heart
I focus on
promises kept
replay the days before and relive happiness
until she slides in
cueing the screen for selective emotions and thoughts
memories that I knew to be
ancient history
mockingly she begins to twist my confidence tight like bread bag ties
sealing in insecurities so they can remain
fresh
like the scars left from my previous relation
she picks at the scabs
so that the pain can feel new
so that the sting can feel new
so that the memories appear to be new
digging her nails into the lesion that had just started to heal
she bays at the moon in celebration
as I sit
inebriated
off of house-shaped assumptions with no floors
held up by a string
she dangles it freely in my face
leading me down familiar roads and pathways
where we chase stories of where you’ve been
who you’re with and why not me
I loose my step and find myself
here
again
Jealous.

Ressurect Me

scrolling through pieces of pieces and other lil things I never finished with my writing I happened upon this lil blurb...and what better way to ressurect me than dig in the burial grounds of old written word and find something HONEST to share.....

"mentally I wanna believe that you can love me the way I need to be
but emotionally I can feel the holes left in between the promises of "I got you"
so spiritually I tread lightly around the idea in hopes that one day
I don't have to pray to be loved the way I deserve to be
I will just be
loved
because I deserve to be"

I LOVE ME!!

This past Friday my roommate and I went to see Goapele and Dwele at Friday's at Sunset (see me with my summer look goin on) I love taking photos when I'm going out. It helps to mark the day in history for me and I also like to just see how I look via the camera's lense.

I tell ya I have grown up. My look that is I can see a maturity in it...

Most folks say I haven't changed a bit, as far as I look - and perhaps I haven't in their eyes. But I can see my level of happiness in my pictures - I can tell when my smile is forced or genuine...I love this picture of me...

what can I say about my life right now? I'm in love. I got promoted in February - and am actually enjoying what I do and see potential for it to be more...I am actually happier now than I have been in a while. Now life is far from perfect, but I'm happy with who I am and happy with how far God has brought me and am patient to see what's around the next corner. I wonder if people even READ this blog anymore... if anyone does....thanks - I know I barely keep up with it...if not well its my BLOG so! Its for me anyways...

<---the deep thinker

Shai

Good Friday

just decided to write sumfin for GP
I have nothing to say really
I'm happy its friday - 5 more days until my 30th!

I'm semi-excited
Happy to be turning 30, noticing how much I've matured of the last year alone is incredible. How well I know myself - its almost mind boggling. Sometimes we have our own ideas of who we are and what we project to people - and most of the time those ideas are WRONG WRONG WRONG and sometimes we have to step back and really look in the mirror - even at the things we'd rather not see - - I love it. 30 is going to be a good year for me....

My cousin and my two sistas (from MBC) will be lunching with me on that day at a chinese restaraunt that I chose - hope they like it, the weekend me and my Man (i hate that phrase my Man, I don't like the term "friend" either because it sounds like demotion, and boyfriend is hate - - but what do I call him?!? perhaps within the next year there will be a title that will STICK) anyways we are suppose to be doing something my birthday weekend - not sure what yet prayerfully it will not be some extreme sport - bungee cording or sumfin crazy like that...

I post this picture of Jill Scott because 1) she's an Arian like myself 2) she's a poetess like myself and 3) to be she is the epitome of grace and beauty a true woman. I aspire to exemplify those attributes to young women.

Yes my 30's will be the year of selfless giving. . .

Shai

for the time being this is untitled....

I apologized
Profusely
Still you refused to believe me
So
truth be told
I lied
I did mean what I said
Every individual word as I replayed them in my head
I re-read that last email
Where I spoke from my heart
No fluffy sugar coated antidotes to make you feel
More comfortable
I spoke
Seriously without thinking of you
Only focusing on me
But still
I apologized
Because truth be told
I didn’t say those things to hurt you
didn’t write those things to break you down
or make you feel less than a man
I spoke freely to free me of any deception
That could possibly hinder our relation
still
You took each verb personally leaving me to apologize
For the truth
To swish around each sentence
To make sure there was no bitterness
Or after taste
After each hoop I jumped through
Seemed like nothing could soothe you
Like promiscuous lovers
Waiting on the test results
I counted each day
Searched your disposition for some sort of
Inkling some way to let me know
What the day will bring
Still
Nothing
So I say fuck it
I’ll just ask you
Will TOday be the day
That the truth
sets me free?

Bull Sh!T

I'm just typing
because I haven't been blogging here lately and I just wanted to put something here...

I have been thinking about my writing
or lack there of
I've tried to start working on new stuff.. . . but inspiration is fleeting...

at any rate

I LOVE ME!

do you love you?

~Shai

Celebrating 3 decades of Fabu'ness