Monday, September 2nd - First day Journaling Scripture

Thursday: Playing Catch up

1:50pm

listening to: Tamela Mann Pandora Radio

Monday : 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, 18 while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.

-------------------

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

New International Version (NIV)

¹⁶ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷ For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸ So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

-------------------
So I looked up various versions of this scripture to get a better understanding. I pulled the NIV version from www.biblegateway.com  So from this I get that although things look far from wonderful right now, the spirit world is steadily working and striving for our benefit. Even though we cannot see it - what we can see is only for right now it will not be this way forever. I should have read this scripture ON MONDAY because I have been struggling with a few things the last couple of months. Unhappy in my home life, unhappy with my family and those I chose to surround myself with all because thing aren't going how I thought they would or how I feel they should. But instead of "falling on my own sword" and succumbing to the despair and "muck" of it all I look to the hills of which cometh my help. I continue to pray and encourage my son to pray and thank God for all that we have and do not have. Pray for strongholds to be broken, to loose peace, prosperity, and love in all that we do and for all those people who touch our lives albeit in a big or small way.  This whole earthly life is temporal and THAT'S what we should remember. Our ultimate charge is to treat one another with respect and dignity and give of ourselves in this world as Jesus gave of himself. Its hard sometimes to remember that our Father has written our story already and that HE will get the glory in the end when we have our victory. It often times will not happen right now, or next week, or even in this year as we have to grow in Christ and learn to trust HIS word. #dontpraynworry #diedailyintheflesh

30 day Journal Challenge

So I've been invited to do a 30 day journal challenge and decided what better place to post my journal entries than here. I am about 3 days behind but I am going to jump on in!

Here's the rules from my friend:

1) Read the scripture attached and write what you think it means to you.

2) Ask yourself questions if you get stuck in writing such as, does this pertain to my life or someone else's, how can I apply this to my life.

3) If you still become stuck and want to go further, look up a few scriptures before and after, you may even have to Google it, or look up Hebrew or Greek Words for clarity.

4) You can write in the morning or evening, some may have to read it in the morning and meditate on it through the day before writing about it.

5) There is no length to this, you write as the Lord leads you

6) If nothing applies or you don't get anything out of that scripture, write that down but take time and review it in a week.

7) You do not have to share your writing with anyone unless you want to, I am always available if you want to discuss it.

8) There is not necessarily a wrong or right answer to this writing it is to help give you something to write about, if you don't want to write on the scripture that is fine, just make sure you write about something every day. You can even pick a word out of scripture to focus on. 

9) You can do an online journal like google docs if you want to save paper or write it out physically in a notebook or pad. This not a glamorous thing, just a real thing.

10) Have fun with it!!!! do not make this tedious, this is a learning experience to not only challenge yourself but to increase your awareness about self.

Let's see where this goes!

Love,

Shai

Skywalker

So busy walking on the cloud you set me on

I haven’t seen the ugly truth beyond the fantasy we’ve conjured up

how silly of me to think

That reality could be this easy

That I could give you passion and you give me …

                                                                                                        excuses I’ve come to accept without question

so busy

floating on euphoric epiphanies that I completely

overlooked it

swallowed by fantasies possibilities

Truth has become the toy no one wants to play with

                               I want to know

Where did it go

the passion

          can we find it

                         can we seek refuge in one another

                                         without the complications of life making things closer than they appear

 

only for this moment

can we live in this moment

can we survive only for these hours, minutes, seconds . . .

or as easily as we conjured this alternate reality will the universe come crashing on us

leaving you questioning

erasing memories

with me

walking away

Poetry FB message

So I belong to this Locs n' Dreads group on Facebook. Last week they had Locs and Tatt's day, so I posted a picture.

 

I also shared this picture on my FB page and received the following message from a fellow poet


i blame god for making you beautiful
for picking the perfect hue for your lips
so your words
sound like heaven when you speak
he hid your eyes
amongst an exact replica of the constellations 
so i find myself stargazing 
just to see into your soul
naturally beautiful
beautifully natural
twisted locks lay traps 
so your thoughts can only escape when you are ready 
to release them into the world
it is gods fault that you are perfect
at least perfect to me
because you are perfectly you


Its nice to be aesthically appreciated.....#thatisall #carryon

Writing again...hopefully this is one of many to come

He held out his hand

And looked me in my eyes

Sincerity blossomed like dew-kissed dandelions

Bold and new

Fear swallowed my heart and blurred my vision

I saw nothing

Because I didn’t want to see

Felt nothing

Because I didn’t want to feel

And still

He held out his hand

And said

Trust me.

Trust didn’t come easy

Pain too fresh

Past truth

Too new

And his hand

Questionable

So I searched for complications in simplicity

Made the easy

difficult

Because chaos and confusion were familiar to me

Rejected the notion

That anyone

Could ever

Truly

Love me

Completely

Love me with my attitude and bad moods

Love me with my spoiled bossy ways

Love me when there’s absolutely

No

Reason

To

Yet there he stood

Naked in his own truth

Regretting nothing

Accepting everything

Bartering

A piece of him

For a piece of me

But pieces were all I had

To give them freely

Would be

crazy

yet insanity

made perfect sense

reasoning

made it easier to hurt

created room for doubt

in a space that was already too  small

to begin with

you see this

this was the test

everything else was just practice

either

take this friendship to its

highest height

or sit back reminiscing

wondering

questioning

if this was love

or loneliness beckoning

for something tangible

in a world full of barbies

and thugs

where monogamy has been replaced

with fake polyamourous relations

trust is a four letter word

whispered on deaf hearts

But I

can hear

Clearly

Sincerity

Looked into my eyes

Boldly

Grabbed my hand

And said

TRUST ME.

Untitled 10.09.12

Moonlight spills into my bedroom

glistening over my nakedness

I imagine it’s your kiss

cleansing away

the day’s worries

 whispering

 “relax”

 “I got this”

tender

 your hands caress

rose petal softness

breathe life into my body

awakening the beast within me

insatiable

doubt that I could ever get my fill of you

greedily

create scenes

that make the walls scream

passion

unrealized

only envisioning

possibilities

drown out the world’s suffering

your baritone

moan

sings an encouraging melody

as we tip toe on the edge of ecstasy

flirting with danger

I drag your volcanic eruption

inside a tsunamic wave of bliss

euphoric

the moonlight’s kiss

upon my nakedness

I imagine

its

you

simply

wishing

it could be

possibly

drifting

off

to

sleep….

seabiscuit

wallowing in her own pity
she hosts soirees
for anyone who will listen
“whoa is me”
cyclical decisions
power foot paths of infamy  
not the brightest bulb
fence riding into the night
she who hosts
pity soirees
seeking empathy
from the planter’s gallery
yet
the jury stays out
no one is willing
to lead the whorse
because she’ll never drink

Habakkuk 2:2 “Then the Lord replied: Write the VISION and make it PLAIN upon tables”

listening to: It’s all GOD – the soul seekers featuring Marvin Winans
mood: Happy and Caffeinated!

Happy New Year! I haven’t written consistently in a long time. In developing my goals for 2011 one of them was to write more, via blog, journal, poetry, whatever medium the spirit leads. Here we are in the 2nd month of the New Year with 11 more months to do what I set out to; my mind carries me all over thinking about all of the things that excite and sadden me. As I watch it all unfold in front of me I know that anything I set out to do can be done only if I MOVE. Because “faith without works is dead” (James 2:17), I say all of this to say that I find myself in the most interesting position right now in my life. I will not go into specific details about EVERYTHING as it all ties but I find it as I said before most interesting. Although I am saved and have a church home, I am not an active member however God sees fit to put people in my path that lead me closer to HIM. Today I got a phone call requesting prayer. Prayer? Who am I to lead someone in prayer? Who am I to even come to God and ask for anything? I am so undeserving and yet it is because of HIS Grace and Mercy I am still here and able to do exceeding abundantly – through Christ who strengthens me. So why not? Why not come to the throne humbly? Why not pray for others through request or as the spirit leads? That I did. During my walk into work this morning I prayed and prayed and I thought about my flesh and the things that I do because of it. So I try to die daily so that the God in me can shine through. I don’t know I just felt the need to write today and thought why not start here? I am sure that more things will come soon hopefully I can blog daily/weekly. At any rate, to whoever reads this blog and those who don’t – BE BLESSED.
~loveSHAI

52 Pick Up

how easily
I fall to the fallacy
of words imagery
creating picturesque possibilities
that pleases my
third-eye
blinded
by the joker’s juggling
I seem to be smitten by the Lie King
whose empty wagon promises
become noisier
with each bump in the road
uncomfortable in this journey I
batten down the hatches
hold firmly
to the proclamations of said King
yet
they slide through my fingers
like the sands of time
wasted
in the shadows of nothingness
my nakedness
renders me
powerless
yet cloaked in my right mind
I seek refuge
in places he’d never think
to find
me
dancing in sun showers
with commoners whose riches out weigh
any oasis he could promise
living simply
on truth
find myself so drunken in such integrity
forget to cut soul ties
that bind me
easily
he calls me
home
Queen
to the King that lies

-- loveshai

Integrity

music: Neo-Soul playlist from Imeem


location: in HIGHland Springs baby!


mood: sugar high






so today one of my coworkers were released of their duties. I will not go into all of the specifics but it makes me think and wonder about our world and our integrity.

There has been times where I have done things I had NO business doing. Things that may have gotten me in jail or worse. But I was younger then, and I've grown and learned so much. As you become an adult and you move on to have a CAREER, not a job but a career where your reputation and character comes into play. That's when you step back and become more accountable for the things you do. We are no longer in high school, we don't just get "the tap" and then move on. Serious things happen, your whole life and livelihood are now at steak.

I am truly at a loss for words but I know that the ALMIGHTY has reason and purpose for everything. I am thankful that I still have a place I can call work and I look forward to whatever blessings the Creator has in store for myself and my Co-workers who are still there to hold the fort down. We are made of some good stock and I know that we will be able to do what needs to be done.

Keeping my integrity in check!

~Shai

Daily Inspirational Quote

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The power of your intention, your intent, your word, is immense. We
might ascribe this effect to the power of prayer, to natural forces, or to our
will to create our desired outcome. In any case, use this power. Believe in what
you do as well as doing it.

“What we think, we become. All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make the world” Buddha

So I recently subscribed to this Daily Inspirational Quote email. The first quote is the daily quote; it then follows with some description and/or thought to follow it up. Then after that they present other quotes to support it. My very first email from this site www.dreamthisday.com blew me away. It really set my mood and my feeling for the day.

Your love is more powerful than your words or your actions.
- Jonathan
Lockwood Huie
We all tend to measure our worth by what we DO - the actions we
take. We also highly value what we SAY. However, the greatest impact we have on
our family, our friends, and our world is our kindness and love. A bowl of soup
served with love is a greater gift than a steak dinner served brusquely.

I am working on trying to clear my mind and allow anything but positive energy flow through. In previous years I was aspiring to keep it real and deal and focus only on the reality of things. I think now in living that way I seemed to center my thoughts on negativity. So with that being said here I am re-inventing myself in hopes that my actions become a trickle effect and that pushes out positivity in order to receive it in return.
As today’s daily inspiration noted, once you make a decision the universe conspires for it to happen. Well here it is, decision made, line in the sand! Time to live up to the HYPE!

Let’s Get It!

~Shai - “I am somewhat of a BIG deal”

its been a long time

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. - Friedrich Nietzsche

my husband sent this to me in a letter one time.
At the time I was really on this quotes thing and stuff that people have said in life. I had sent him a serious Bob Marley quote trying to help him make it through the day.

I haven't blogged like for real like I used to in quite some time. A part of that is being busy another part is being lazy. I haven't done a lot of things that I used to do.

In the last two years I have made some decisions that I truly regret. This is odd coming from someone such as myself. I have always been the type of person who makes a decision and stick to it and have been FULLY CONFIDENT in my decision. These last really as I think about it THREE years have been full of second guessing myself. It's funny it seems strangers know more about me and who I am than I do.

But I digress...
truth be told, I am tired. Tired of EVERYTHING but oh so THANKFUL for GOD who has kept me ALL this time.

prayerfully, instead of getting back to the Real Chic I knew back in they day prior to 01/05 ~ I pray that I EVOLVE into the Grown Woman GOD intended me to be. I am forever thankful for my life expierences and know that this is ONLY THE BEGINNING.

blessings

~Shai

Pushing the RESET button

As I drove into work this morning several things went through my head. I thought about how I am going to be off of work for the next 9 days and exactly what that meant to me. Then I thought about the all important “HIBERNATION OF SHAI” the time during the year where I just roll “solo for dolo” I haven’t really been able to do that since the fall of 2006. It seems like my life has been a runaway roller coaster filled with really high highs and really low lows.

As an update I got married on 01/03/09, my Great Aunt Mary died that following month, followed by my Grandmother Eunice in March, and the next month my Great Aunt Lou. After that I’ve been battling silent depression and trying to push forward with my life in general. It’s hard especially when two of those women had a significant impact on my life as a child growing into my womanhood. Women who wanted to see me married with children and build a prosperous life for myself. *sigh*

I was laid off Oct 2007 and finally secured a full time gig in the Health & Human Services sector March 2009. Finally I am happy with my work life. I enjoy what I do and look forward to learning new things daily. Marriage is definitely different from being boyfriend/girlfriend.

Lastly and most importantly my health, I’ve been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes since 2005 I want to say, the whole time I’ve been in denial about it. Because I’ve been borderline diabetic for quite some time and after taking a particular blood pressure medicine that actually made my sugar spike I was diagnosed with this diabetes. Because of all the stress that I’ve endured over the last year coming from ALL corners of my life here I am back with extremely high sugar levels and stroke numbers for my blood pressure. Really it is time to hit the RESET button.
So that is what I plan to do over my vacation. Create a goal list, start a vision board, and press the RESET button prayerfully this time things will truly START OVER a new.

8.18.2008 "here lies the remains of LOVE"

During the haunting of the bewitching hours
the sky was draped with a thick sapphire curtain
diamond pieces strewn against its backdrop
a beautiful night
where the sounds of the evening lulled her to sleep
she
had a peace painted on her face that anyone could see
this is where an angel lays
but for him, insomnia played with his brain
scattered was his thoughts as
he
held her tight
afraid that the dusk may take her away
with the night
in the bed that they shared
visions of possible infidelities pulled at his heart strings
could it be?
he
held her
close
because her misgivings were true
and they both knew
that with time
she
could be Swayze like Casper
but by then there would be nothing he could do
so now
he just held her
praying God would see fit to make her stay
praying that he could find forgiveness in her eyes
when he tried to explain away the why’s
with alibis
they both knew were empty of the truth
and he wondered would it be for naught
if she had already
done the very dreaded thing
that he had done to her
on so many different occasions
when his immaturity stole his ability to care
and his arrogance made it so
in his mind
she would always be there
so he laid
trying to calm the worry in his heart
with thoughts of the forever he promised her
hoping that she remembered
where
his
true
love
remained

untitled 02.24.09

my whole heart hinges on the frame set
promises, me
accepted, you
gifts are spiritual
intangible yes but easily held on to
daily is the battle
between
trust
and
truth
best kept
are secret weapons held rosary close
padded between red written script
unshakable
the faith stream
flows stronger with each new moon
guided we
by ancestry
clinging to
old good news
easily
sought
the devilish plot
harder still
the heaven in you
blinders
stay focused on the path ahead
see no
speak no
sear no
yet all the world knows
we
be
true like
accidental coincidence
instant replay
unnecessary
the heed
no need
we see beyond the seen
around the world and back again
promises, me
accepted, you
the frame set
onto
my whole heart
hinges

Untitled...02/18/09

writing from another POV

Can I French kiss your sexiness,
Only If
it pleased you miss?
I’ll be your pleasure slave
Act up
because you’ll make me behave
Relish the punishment like a gift
Every lick
Every kiss
Would magically heal all wounds
Oh Queen
How I beseech thee
Let me be
The only who can sup from your cup of humility
Respect given
wholeheartedly
But behind closed windows and doors
Bellow moans never heard before
drips the honey from the hive of desire
spreads the sweetness
that sets my soul on fire
unscathed in the blaze
remove all my past indiscretions
your love
is my lesson
no guessing
it’s with no question
that I want to feed the need the burns within me
only
if it pleases you miss
I would love to kiss
Your sexiness

Woman of Purpose

it is your determination
in a world of lack
you bring back more than a harvest
you bring back freedom for the generations to come
because
you
have purpose
dying daily in the flesh
no one sees
the past hurt because you work through the pain
never missing a beat
rising before the morning star
you prepare us for tomorrows coming
with out complaint
or expected reward
you toil during the day
sharing the gifts that God has given you
sharing the GOD in you
humbly placing yourself last
how can we
ever begin to say thank you?
the simple utterance of those words should offend you
because thank you in simple is
only being polite
truthfully
manners are only used in mindless banter
and it is with my whole mind that I recognize
WHO YOU ARE
woman of purpose
draped in valor
fear knows not your name
because it is with the FULL ARMOR
that you walk this earth
bind up every curse
and loose every blessing
you are
a living
testimony.

the power of the tongue

If lips could kill
Mine would be laced with so much venom
That our first kiss would
seal your demise instantly
I’d swallow your spirit
Watching you grasp for that very last piece of life
It would be my pleasure
To it steal from you
How easily you thought I’d be
Added to your list of mighty conquests
Never thinking that
This
Would be your last
Kiss
Just so you know that I carry no hard feelings
I’d blow a smidge of life back to you
enough that you would regret ever meeting me
Or perhaps ever trying to play me
Or better still your deepest regret would be
All the time you wasted before me
Because you
Like pain, drama, bs, foolishness
Wallow in it like pigs do their own feces
Never realizing how much
you stink
try to wash away the obvious
its hard to do when its permanent
as the days pass you’ll try to find memories to hold on to
look for photos from long before
relishing the moments when
you were in control
now your life has been checked at the front door
because you gave the keys away
allowed too many children in
bastards conceived in your harem mentality
thinking that you were king
all the while my queendom was just one moment away from
stopping your reign
inked a deal with the one who shall not be named
just so I could have the last laugh
silly rabbit
you didn’t know?
My lips
can
kill

Open Letter

you ever had something to say to someone but know that there was no real use in saying anything?

that's how I'm feeling about now....

so instead of sending a letter, email, or wasting my minutes with a phone call...I will just get it all our right here...

Dear You,

I will not say I hate you. But I am actually quite glad that you have let go fully and leaving no safety net for me. Despite how you feel - I know my intentions. I hope you enjoy your life. Since you have officially settled for the consolation prize. I always knew that you didn't have the fight in you. I would say the same for myself, but I am confident in my decisions no matter how irrational to the "world" they may seem to be.


Dear You - yes you!

I can't believe how you reacted to me telling you the truth. I would expect that you would understand. But I have to remember everyone isn't me. Not saying I am perfect - I know I am far from that but at the same time. It just seems like your disdain came so quickly as if your love never truly exsisted.


Dear You - yep YOU TOO

WOW is all I have to say about the things that I heard. I can't believe I've allowed it to get under my skin as it has. But I have. Its funny growing up we vowed now to be those people, you know the ones who are fraud, the ones who shine up their sh!t to make it appear to be better than it is, the ones who tear down someone else to build themselves up - or perhaps I was the only one who felt that way. Even though you and I have had our ups and downs - I thought we were past CCHS, popularity contest, and BS. Alas, I've come to see I was right the WHOLE time about you and all those you associate with (except a chosen few), you are plastic and void of real emotion, thought, and feeling...wow

***********************

that's enough letters for today maybe I'll write more later

Public Service Announcement!!

I don't know WHO but someone has been either hacking into my email OR creating a new email address and POSING as me!

I had a friend said this person IM'd him cussing him out using an OLD YAHOO ACCOUNT

and someone else saying that I was emailing them pictures of my fiance' BOTH things I did not do

SO to clear the record I am posting all my OLD screen names and letting e'ryone who knows me know what CURRENT ways they can get in touch with me

Previous Yahoo Screen IDS

lavonicalayne

daprecus1

sweetcreamscile

strawberributtah (oh yahoo and aol)

strawberriwetkisses

loveshai

loveshai1976

sistacharity

the most current user name and the ONLY one I use (I have deleted all previous accounts) is BLUEZATTITUDE

also for hotmail(both accounts are active) its:

sacrificeone (my poetry email)

t_a_cotman (my business email)

since this person must know more about me than they should I have CHANGED my passwords on ALL my accounts including MYSPACE, FACEBOOK, CHOCOLATEBRIDES and most recently MULTIPLY. I will be changing my password e'ry week to keep potential trouble makers from f*cking wit me with HIGHSCHOOL BULL SPIT!

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Tabatha A Cotman - the one and ONLY!