a place, I never like to visit

A place called, Jealous

Here, in the land of the living
her spirit seeks weakness as prey
unsuspecting love affairs
break easily as she
feeds on uncertainties
cell phone rings with no responses
daylight hours turn into midnight moments
of emptiness
this
is her stage
the place in time where she
makes it her business to torture me with
possibilities of infidelities and other sickening imagery
that could easily drive me crazy
I try to ignore her soft fallacies reverberating in my subconscious
like echoes,
constantly bouncing off the partitions set in place to protect my heart
I focus on
promises kept
replay the days before and relive happiness
until she slides in
cueing the screen for selective emotions and thoughts
memories that I knew to be
ancient history
mockingly she begins to twist my confidence tight like bread bag ties
sealing in insecurities so they can remain
fresh
like the scars left from my previous relation
she picks at the scabs
so that the pain can feel new
so that the sting can feel new
so that the memories appear to be new
digging her nails into the lesion that had just started to heal
she bays at the moon in celebration
as I sit
inebriated
off of house-shaped assumptions with no floors
held up by a string
she dangles it freely in my face
leading me down familiar roads and pathways
where we chase stories of where you’ve been
who you’re with and why not me
I loose my step and find myself
here
again
Jealous.

Ressurect Me

scrolling through pieces of pieces and other lil things I never finished with my writing I happened upon this lil blurb...and what better way to ressurect me than dig in the burial grounds of old written word and find something HONEST to share.....

"mentally I wanna believe that you can love me the way I need to be
but emotionally I can feel the holes left in between the promises of "I got you"
so spiritually I tread lightly around the idea in hopes that one day
I don't have to pray to be loved the way I deserve to be
I will just be
loved
because I deserve to be"

I LOVE ME!!

This past Friday my roommate and I went to see Goapele and Dwele at Friday's at Sunset (see me with my summer look goin on) I love taking photos when I'm going out. It helps to mark the day in history for me and I also like to just see how I look via the camera's lense.

I tell ya I have grown up. My look that is I can see a maturity in it...

Most folks say I haven't changed a bit, as far as I look - and perhaps I haven't in their eyes. But I can see my level of happiness in my pictures - I can tell when my smile is forced or genuine...I love this picture of me...

what can I say about my life right now? I'm in love. I got promoted in February - and am actually enjoying what I do and see potential for it to be more...I am actually happier now than I have been in a while. Now life is far from perfect, but I'm happy with who I am and happy with how far God has brought me and am patient to see what's around the next corner. I wonder if people even READ this blog anymore... if anyone does....thanks - I know I barely keep up with it...if not well its my BLOG so! Its for me anyways...

<---the deep thinker

Shai

Good Friday

just decided to write sumfin for GP
I have nothing to say really
I'm happy its friday - 5 more days until my 30th!

I'm semi-excited
Happy to be turning 30, noticing how much I've matured of the last year alone is incredible. How well I know myself - its almost mind boggling. Sometimes we have our own ideas of who we are and what we project to people - and most of the time those ideas are WRONG WRONG WRONG and sometimes we have to step back and really look in the mirror - even at the things we'd rather not see - - I love it. 30 is going to be a good year for me....

My cousin and my two sistas (from MBC) will be lunching with me on that day at a chinese restaraunt that I chose - hope they like it, the weekend me and my Man (i hate that phrase my Man, I don't like the term "friend" either because it sounds like demotion, and boyfriend is hate - - but what do I call him?!? perhaps within the next year there will be a title that will STICK) anyways we are suppose to be doing something my birthday weekend - not sure what yet prayerfully it will not be some extreme sport - bungee cording or sumfin crazy like that...

I post this picture of Jill Scott because 1) she's an Arian like myself 2) she's a poetess like myself and 3) to be she is the epitome of grace and beauty a true woman. I aspire to exemplify those attributes to young women.

Yes my 30's will be the year of selfless giving. . .

Shai

for the time being this is untitled....

I apologized
Profusely
Still you refused to believe me
So
truth be told
I lied
I did mean what I said
Every individual word as I replayed them in my head
I re-read that last email
Where I spoke from my heart
No fluffy sugar coated antidotes to make you feel
More comfortable
I spoke
Seriously without thinking of you
Only focusing on me
But still
I apologized
Because truth be told
I didn’t say those things to hurt you
didn’t write those things to break you down
or make you feel less than a man
I spoke freely to free me of any deception
That could possibly hinder our relation
still
You took each verb personally leaving me to apologize
For the truth
To swish around each sentence
To make sure there was no bitterness
Or after taste
After each hoop I jumped through
Seemed like nothing could soothe you
Like promiscuous lovers
Waiting on the test results
I counted each day
Searched your disposition for some sort of
Inkling some way to let me know
What the day will bring
Still
Nothing
So I say fuck it
I’ll just ask you
Will TOday be the day
That the truth
sets me free?

Bull Sh!T

I'm just typing
because I haven't been blogging here lately and I just wanted to put something here...

I have been thinking about my writing
or lack there of
I've tried to start working on new stuff.. . . but inspiration is fleeting...

at any rate

I LOVE ME!

do you love you?

~Shai

Celebrating 3 decades of Fabu'ness

Original Power Nap

this was one of those days
that I craved to hear your voice over the phone
whispering
"what are you wearing"
mimicking your soft tone
I’d answer
with details that no one else would ever know
like
the
silk that
covered my rose petal’d lips silencing their obvious ferment
the
lace that
hugged my nipples so gently
I’d include things that I knew
would peak your interest
creating a image that begged for 4-D sensory
reality, touch
taste,
smell,
sounds like promises made in vain
weekend rendezvous
yes
but not for the obvious
together we’d fit
easy like
puzzle pieces
each curve would bend perfectly
the heat would
lull our bodies to sleep while
you hum
unconsciously

"if you are worried bout where"

"I’d been or who I saw or…"

"baby don’t worry you know that"

"…..you got me”

with deep sighed response, I’d agree
as if on cue
our bodies move
change positions until comfort sets in
we’d meld extremities until our
heartbeats would synchronize
like decoder watches at the bottom of cereal boxes
so excited to finally be able to hold the prize
sustenance would take a back seat
just so we
could
marinate in holding intangibles

"I love us"

we muse our hearts together like quilting techniques
handed down from generations of "what could have been"
only to remain distant lovers
living in depressed states seeking the justifiable
escape
knowing that the time allotted for us
will expire soon
we
plaster smiles on our faces
mimic joy in our voices
traveling in separate directions
back home; back to chained fools
in love with confused hearts reminiscing on power naps
clinging to
an intimacy untouched
never acknowledging
the depth that was left
sleeping
on queen sized sheets
in master bedrooms
filled with
vanilla
scented
candle perfumes

to be honest...

I really didn't like my last post. I think for a moment I stepped out of my normal realm of writing for the sake of pleasing someone else or perhaps it was I was being pushed to do "better" than my normal. For that, I apologize. There were some aspects of the last piece that I liked perhaps I'll revise it and make it more me....not sure just yet what I will do with it. The ENTIRE premise was based on the beauty of a nap betweenst lovers, friends, lovers & friends - whatever title you prefer. Perhaps I was thinking too much.....none of that matters now. I revert to my bedroom with my three closest and dearest friends (Mike Jones, BobiAnne, & John D'Baptiste) okay so many they aren't' my closest and dearest friends but at least I can rant and rave and they not talk back....that's what I need NO BACK TALK (giggle)


Shai "the artist who really is a recluse disguising as a socialite"

power nap

preface: it is in our sleep we are our most vulnerable. it is in the same space in time we feel our most safe.

The Visit

I see him
clear as the day is new
for a moment I allow my eyes to drink his visage
seems almost unquenchable
this thirst
then it begins
the tickle in my heart followed by the fluttering of
a million humming birds all wanting to perch on my
emoted soul
the core of my being is lost in this world
beseeching his rescue
and once the flutter in my heart has passed
I become able to regain some part of my humanity
against the backdrop of what seems unbelievable
we
are
here
what seemed like an eternity of silence is broken
as we exchange pleasantries

“what took you so long?”

“there was traffic”

It is in that moment I become
lost
seemingly enchanted with fear
his eyes see my detriment
take note
of my confidence’s absence
he steps into my world for a moment
our embrace sighs in relief

“damn I’ve missed you”

“how do we pick up from here?”

“i
don’t
know”

we speak without words
time plays out like a movie
all lights
all cameras
all actions
void of depth; the surface is too hot to touch
we fear scars left
pain is easy it can be worked through but scars are forever
constant reminders of promises un-kept
so
dare not
touch

Saturday beckons our lethargy
safety is found
resting in the arms of my beloved
it plays on repeat
my favorite ballad, the slow rhythmic sounds of his breathing
soothes all worries
never leave
shall
he?
I close my eyes confidently
as we sleep. . .

Inspiration came tippin in at 2:40am
Whispering in husk voice

“wake up”

nudging me gently

“wake up”

I must ignore him
He who steals my slumber for words
That do nothing but lay in atrophy across Ms Office document pages
Words that may never be read or spoken
Words that will probably die with me
Ignore him
I must

“wake up”

I feel him all over me
Even in my sleep my body responds
Naturally
We tussle with languages and melodies
Dare each other to disagree
We wrestle with taboo topics
What’s considered PC
We
phuck for fun
and
write for life

This
is our nightly ritual

“wake up”

but I have to work tomorrow

“wake up”

I have a headache?

“wake up”

well maybe just for ten minutes but then I have to…

“wake up – its time to write”

inspiration came tippin’ in at 2:40am
glad that I
finally
gave him the key

Last Blog of 2005

So one of my friends on yahoo posted a re-cap of his year and shouted out folks important to him or people who had a direct influence on his year the way it started or ended.  That I will not do here but I do want to reflect on the year 2005 what it was and was not….

2005 I was supposed to be married. . .I’m not

2005 I was supposed to have purchased my first home. . . I still live in an apartment.

2005 I was supposed to be tithing fully 10%. . . I still only give 5% or less – I can’t believe I can’t give 10 cents…DANG!!!

2005 I was supposed to be more organized. . . .I’m not as organized as I like to be but I’m getting there..

What was good about 05? My ex and I broke up and I’ve written enough poems between February and August that I can do another book if I want to. I’ve made some REAL good connects, met some WONDEFUL and intelligent people, I’ve seen what real friends are made up of, I’ve finally realized what Pastor meant when he said that the closer you get to God that farther away from worldly people you become, I LOVE MYSELF EVEN MORE (is that possible?), I am a HATER (so at least I can admit it), I can truly be a trifling @$$ b*tch at times, I’ve learned so much about myself and how I relate to other people, you can find love after a BIG heartache, TRUST – empowers you to be the best you you can be in a relationship, the INTERNET is NOT the place go to and make friends (tho’ I already knew this I’ve seen some people get their feelings hurt real quick from ‘net’ friends, I don’t play well in the sandbox, I influence more people than I every imagined…..and lastly…..

I forgive those who have ever hurt me in the past and I am moving on in 2006 wiser, older, and more motivated for self-preservation!!!


~Shai, undoubtedly the flyest sista you’ll EVER meet and I mean fly on SO many levels!

*muah* Happy New Year!!

E'rythang ain't meant for E'rrybody

have you ever noticed that when somethings become "in" style e'ryone and they grandma wanna do it....well GUESS WHAT? E'rythang ain't meant for E'rrybody!!! Everyone can't be a photojournalist - cuz you gotta a digital camera and photoshop, e'ryone can't be a music producer because you got music software on your computer and a casio, e'rryone can't be a rapper cuz they make words rhyme - Dr. Suess could make words rhyme and he ended up being a novelist(lol I said Dr. Suess is a novelist), e'rryone can't be a model cuz they Mama think they pretty and they show mo'skins than sunday night football, e'rryone can't be a hairstylist cuz they can throw in a pony tail - that's why they got school for ish like that, e'ryone can't be a make up artist cuz they can buy sinful cosmetics from the local Asian beauty supply store and try to make it look like MAC "booo it ain't MAC and you look like HOMEY the clown", and LASTLY for my rant this evening.....

EVERYONE CANNOT BE A POET JUST BECAUSE THEY THINK THAT THEY ARE ON ANOTHER LEVEL – OR THAT THEY CAN MAKE WORDS RHYME – OR USE THE SAME TIRED METAPHORS – OR THINK THEY ARE ON A SOME REVOLUTIONARY TIP BECAUSE THEY STOPPED GETTING RELAXERS DRINK GREEN TEA AND SMOKE BIDI’S

i will not profess to be the best
i will confess that i take what i do seriously
i've been writing poetry since 1987 and i know i'm gifted
not to sound conceited or full of it - i know this this is one of my GIVEN talents...so it just offends me when regular folk try to call themselves "poets" and actually expect people to take them seriously....

sidenote: in a previous blog on yahoo I mentioned having a motto for 2006. Well I already have TWO that I'm considering...but I truly believe I'm goin to have to have a new motto each quarter because some folks *smh* need to learn...

i will say this for 2006

"I WILL NO LONGER BITE MY TONGUE, THAT SH!T HURTS"

Shai

Happy Holidays

Tho' I'm not much for the holidays, I went over my best friends house over the weekend and he snapped this photo - hope everyone have a safe Christmas, Hannakauh, Kwanzaa and a prosperous New Year!!!

baby powder

I embrace the unfamiliar like community liquor
shared over abandoned fire dwellings in creaky wooden shacks overlooking the James
left reality at the bottom on cognac bottles
fed my depression spirits that
kept my body warm on cold winter nights
this
is where I found you
meandering amidst the unknowns
casually as if you belonged
everyone there was Neil Armstrong’d in some form or another

visibly inebriated my soul recognized you instantly
no matter what the voices in my head told me
i followed you
down hallways
through the dining room
to the desolate presence of what could have been a living room
but nothing
was living
here
where lost souls convene for survival
here
where the stench of hopelessness grew thick as the hours pass
here
where the reality of our last days are more apparent
than anything Nostradamus ever predicted
here
at the resurrection of the great city known as Babylon

we all have drank from her cup
lost touch with the outside world
grasp at lies to make ourselves feel whole
without acknowledging life
embrace the unfamiliar
like community liquor
making it easier to swallow being a vagrant wandering
easier to deal with the sting of the alcohol than the overwhelming truth
that we
are ALL phucked up
yet
you found me
staring  with eyes like your father
twinkling with life I see my smile on your face
feel the tears that clean my dirt-strewn skin

i know you
are a apart of my hallucinate visions
but I need to see you
feel your touch
smell your hair
hear you speak my name in hushed tone voice

“Mama. . .”

i muffle my emotions when you tell me your brother
sends his love
he
would have been three
no matter how high I am medically
nothing is more sobering that dealing with the reality that
i chose to become executioner to the life that grew inside me
violated my body with pills, powder, liquor and smoke
choked the very blessing
i prayed for daily
never realizing it was through you i would be forgiven
it was through you my transgressions made clean
through you
my second chance to live would be reborn
instead i chose death
conveniently packaged for the living
a mindless escape
hoping
to find
eternity.

GOOD Chi

If you have ever read any books about Feng Shui then you would know that the ancient order of placement is all about good chi.
I’m so for GOOOD CHI, oooh chile I ain’t had no good chi in a long time. You know Big Momma, kept some good chi….

But let’s be real for a moment, I believe in the order of placement. I think that how things are situated around you have a lot to do with your mood or chi.  I think the same about the placement of people around you.  Think about you it when you go to a Drs. office and there are several patience already in the waiting area, how do you decide where you will sit. You decide what chair would be most comfortable, are you close to the magazines you will be flipping through while you wait, and who would you rather sit near. Proper placement. Being comfortable is important in life to most folks…but as I think about it. Being uncomfortable is probably the best motivator there is as we constantly seek comfort; in various people/things.

When I am at my part-time job (I work for a banking institution at night, encoding checks and deposit slips and such) I have a lot of time to think. Last night I was thinking about a myriad of things, more specifically about my life the things I have done and haven’t. I was thinking, I am dayum near 30, I do not own a home I should have paid for my car twice by now, just different things like that. There are so many things that I have a talent/skill/nack for but I am not using any of things for the betterment of my life.  

So with all those things said, I am organizing my thoughts and through proper placement of all the important nouns (people, places, & things) I will be doing the things I need to do to get what I want.

In those efforts, I anticipate gaining some strong powerful chi, that will not the block off some of yall sour puss folk that be sulking around me – skat back now – shooo, good and hot chi coming through….

~Shai “the chi-licious one”

in the darkness of the night

the moon lays peacefully on the cusp of the morning

basking in its glow

rest doesn’t come easy

I think about you

Imagining my hands being your hands

Exploring localities deemed as taboo

Seeking treasures buried

Waiting to be uncovered

I take myself there

Wishing that it was you

Drifting to sleep slowly hoping to catch you in the honey pot

So I can taste each drop on your fingertips

I find brief moments of satisfaction

only leading to a stronger desire for passion sought

but at least for now

I can sleep

Guarding buried treasure

Until you can come

Discover

me

Is there something in the water?

as you see this beautiful picture of black love, set in what I think is the Harlem Renny time, you think - what's in the water. (sidenote: I have been slackin on my journals because I've been working like a slave) I have several thoughts for my various blogs but have yet to expound on them. So I will start with this one...

is it JUST ME or is there something in the water? Seem like since my x-finance (spelled it that way on purpose) and I broke up it seems like every MAN I meet almost immediately begins to talk about marriage and a future. Although this is exactly what I want, it is spooky that these men are so easily and readily discussing the facts. I entertain them slightly but give most of them no real thought. I figure this is "game" as I approach the age of 30, the tatics of men change. So I must arm myself accordingly. *Wonder Woman bangles - ching - ching *

I learn so much more about myself as each year passes.
I wonder tho' when will WE (every living person) learn who they are be happy with that and thrive? *sigh* back to the topic at hand...

Most of these men look at me cross-eyed when I don't gush over their suggesting marriage to me. I know I'm marriage material I don't need them telling me that, they should have SEEN that years ago (can we say 2002? 2003?) SO no I will not JUMP at their suggestion even if it is complete with enough bling to blind me. I don't like the thought that I am a grudge holder, but SERVES 'EM RIGHT!! They have lived thier life the way they want - spent thier 20's chasing skirts, bearing children with various women, and breakin' hearts - and NOW wanna settle down. . .ahaha!! Needless to say the pool of eligible women, are either gay, dead, or in jail (lol - I shouldn't be laughing at this but ummm Lamar Hill has a poem that says this very same statement, yall should peep him) NE who - so it seems that the Men in the year of 2005 are doing a lil role changing and they are having a hard time finding a good woman..... hey we are not missing, we are just NOT readily available. (am I venting and rambling? prolly but its my blog!!!)

my suggestion to these men who are drinking this marriage inspired water...

1) strengthen your spiritual relationship
2) strengthen your mental
3) practice patience
4) bring more to the table than your good looks, good d!ck, and bad @$$ kids!
5) don't think you are the BEST she can do, know that you are blessed to have possibly found your "rib"(
6) build a friendship first (I can't say this enough)

So to those fellas who have come at me with the "marriage" game spewing out of their pie holds: although marriage is one of the destinations I plan to go to in life, my boarding pass right now is for loving me, cherishing me, and learning me!!
Yall may wanna get some Figi bottled water since its what Diddy drinks and he's not married yet.

I don't have all the answers, but I'm working on it!

~Shai

TAB.....

That is what they call me!

Conversations about

Yesterday a friend of mine I used to date was talking to me about the Tyra Banks show and how she dressed up as a 350 lbs woman and went on two blind dates.  To show how people treat overweight/large/obese folks. I didn’t see this episode, tho’ I tried to look it up online (I didn’t try that hard I was half sleep when I got off work)

He then commenced to ask me did I ever feel uncomfortable because of my size or if he had ever made me feel uncomfortable about it. Yanno that was the FIRST time we ever talked about it. Although I’ve been obvious a big girl for quite sometime; we never really talked about it…it sparked some thoughts tho. Just about my life growing up and my confidence. I started rambling on and on about how I dealt with being bigger as a teenager and young adult.

I really had sumfin I wanted to say about this topic – but I am so phreakin’ sleepy damn damn damn my part-time job…but yea’ when I get my check – I’ll be dancing like James Brown I got 15 hours already and its not even a week yet….

Back to my rant about being full-figured; I know it’s something that used to bother me greatly as a teenager. My Mom could always tell when I had a new crush – I’d be up extra early working out with, what is that ladies name? She’s always smiling and ish with blonde hair – dang it I am mad I can’t remember anyways…My Dad had some discouraging names he would call me – yanno back then folks thought they teased you enough you’d change….that works for some ppl and for others it doesn’t I guess. Being full-figured is just one aspect of who I am…through it all I am still loved and I am still blessed. Goal One is just to be healthy.  (DENISE AUSTIN!! That’s her name!!) I mean if we all were the same weight, height, shape – we’d be really BORING.  While we are on this topic – Saturday I was admiring myself in the mirror – I LOVE ME – I feel like I am getting more fabulous with age. I can’t explain it – its like I’m growing into my beauty (I am sure I’ve said this before it feels familiar) but that’s how I’ve been feeling… oh yea’ its interesting how the entire time we’ve been talking 8 years to date, we’ve never really talked about that – and it actually makes me smile to think that my radiant personality and beautiful smile kept that from being a topic – I mean it was so unimportant compared to the rest of me…*hehehe* oh yea I have another topic I need to hit this week too. . . but maybe I’ll put that on my yahoo blog…



Wasn’t it Eleanor Roosevelt who said, ”No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

So I haven’t been giving any consent out in the past and don’t plan on giving any out in the future – LOVE ME DAMMIT!!!

~Shai