several personalities but only ONE woman

I am TIRED and yes I can't believe I am awake either.
Just wanted to post this pic from the Masquerade Housewarming I attended as well as helped set up.

I was fun playing the role of celebrity...

but now its back to the grind!!!

"Bouncy" aka Shai

Sushi

Today I’m feeling raw with emotions
So sensitive that it’s sickening
Often times I ask myself why did God make me a woman?
My emotions rule my body
I hate it
Moods dictate the day’s productivity and I act as though the sun rises and sets on my behind at times.

Today.

Today I’m feeling raw
Emotions, thoughts, ideas are busting at the seams of my heart/mind/soul and I don’t know what to make of it. I just know that God is moving daily even when I don’t acknowledge Big G like I should he keeps looking out for me…Thank You!

ASHE!

Listening to this Dwele CD I got from Blasian last night….its so on time. I mean I’m still feeling raw and yes I’m on some “phuck da world don’t ask me for ish” type stuff (oh yea and I can talk about Big G and cuss in the same paragraph and/or thought cuz we go back like dat, don’t be mad you can’t) But its like I don’t know, I’m a complex individual who wants to be heard over the chaos of the world. . .like a kid pouting for some cookies while his Mama trying to pay a bill or go through the check out line at Safeway. . . sidenote: how do Mama’s learn to tune they kids out anyways…..

I just want to start today over, because today is just *ugh*
Hopefully tomorrow will be much better on a semi-lighter note. I have been writing more not completing anything but at least starting the thought process….until later I am

RAW

Raw like Eddie Murphy in tight purple pants
Raw like Samantha Raheem who is human w/o excuses
Raw like Sushi……

Konichiwa!

This is how I be feeling sometimes.....but I then remind myself
I be like:

SELF - your name is LOVE so do YOU suck??

~love shai~

When two becomes one...

….this weekend would have been my wedding weekend

So it’s raining here and I’m thinking to myself…wow this would have been the night of the rehearsal dinner. They calling for rain tomorrow, wow – rain on my wedding day I would have been crying for days. GOOD THING – we broke up! As far as the relationship goes I feel real indifferent about it. I mean I’m happy to be single to be able to do whatever I want without having to take into consideration someone else’s feelings. At the same time tho’ I’m bothered that I thought that this was it, that WE would be able to work things out. Because aside from the issues we both had e’rything was lovely. We’d laugh and have fun together….he was insecure and possessive. I was tired of looking at the same four walls e’ryday I wanted to be social. We are from different social classes but I figure that shouldn’t make a difference. In the truth of it all – it does make a difference.  Even tho’ I can run in any circle and find a level of comfort, he couldn’t. So my bourgeois friends/co-workers would often times make him feel uncomfortable….


during happier times, even tho - those times weren't really THAT happy



When we first broke up I was SO anti-love. Especially around valentine’s I bahum bugged e’rything. Then I started dating someone else with the strict stipulation that I wasn’t looking to be in a “relationship”; then ENDED up in one. Allowed things to go haywire – ended that – and just fell into another situation, that I put the brakes on real quick. I’m looking at this snowball effect of it all….and right now I’m feeling like ITS WHATEVA. Just doing me and having fun and if that means breaking a few hearts or hurting some feelings then - OH well; now I know that doesn’t sound positive at all….but what else do I do?  Sulk in the house eating cookie and cream ice cream like my mind gone bad? Or enjoy this life while I’m here?

I CHOOSE LIFE.

Some people seem to think I’m too picky, but when I get married it’s for keeps. I don’t believe in divorce. I believe in DEATH do us part, yes DEATH. (Take that how you want to) Both sets of my grandparents are still married. I want to have that long time love….I want or need someone who’s willing to work as hard as I do or harder. Ya feel me? Compliment me on all levels and I do the same. Open lines of communications and able to let me be me – I’m a complicated woman. Probably more complicated than most its going to take a special person to be able to adapt to me…I was told yesterday I was a FREE SPIRIT doesn’t that sound like free alcohol? *giggle*

I have had my moment of reflecting and I’ve mourn what could have been…now its time for FUN!!

Where the party at?

Sweet Lie

swallowed the lie
when you told me you loved me
and I allowed it to fester in my body
grow slowly
thought
I had digested it
but it only grew
swore that I swallowed it
passed it with the rest of the sh*t
you told me
but obviously
I didn’t
held on to it as if the slightest
bit of truth that was dwelling with in
and it would keep me from
the reality
that you don’t love me
and this...
...was just a fleeting moment

Blurred vision

I guess I got a theme going on with this Cloudy Water and Blurred Vision I guess next will be Stuffy Nose, Scratchy Throat, and Itchy Butt? *giggle* at any rate, today’s topic has to do with people misrepresenting themselves.  In recent events, someone I had been going out with seriously misrepresented himself. Making me believe that he was hard-working, God-fearing, and a concrete person; I know that no one is perfect. I am Miss-Imperfect living in an imperfect world seeking perfection in my walk…. However, I TRY (notice I said try, because I’m sure I may have faltered in some situations) to always put the REAL me on front street, in dealing with relationships. You know we have to wear masks in the workplace – but that’s for another blog entry.  I let folks know from the gate – or at least I try to – depending on the situation and their purpose; know who I am what I am about and my background. I am just …. Disappointed that he felt the need to mislead me, and I don’t understand what I do to make men want to be someone they aren’t. I mean do I really come off as the type of person who doesn’t respect other folk’s thoughts, ideas, and lifestyle choices? I mean really – I’m a poet – I am supposed to be open minded.

With this said….
Have you ever found yourself hiding your true self from people?
Why? Do you think that you would not be able to do the things you do or get away with whatever you get away with being yourself? Do you think there’s a fine line between being real and being rude?

Like I said before I try to be me at all times.
But I know I’ve found myself in situations over these last 29 years of my life, where I can’t be myself. Not saying that being me would change things. Just that some other persona takes over. I can’t explain it. But I just hope that I will be able to hinder her poppin’ up in the future and just BE me. .. .smart, funny, intelligent, beautiful, and genuine.

“Mike Jones”
“WHO?”
“Mikes JONES!”

~Shai~

Cloudy Waters

Cloudy Waters….     

Things cloud my mind often and sometimes my judgment. But I press on. Sometimes, I sit back well lots of times I sit back and I think….if things were different where would I be. I cannot go back and do things over, so I have to work with what I have.  But anyways….

It bothers me that folks can look at your life and try to tell you where you need to go or what you need to do.  Now mind you a lil nudging advice is cool. But for people to downright JUDGE your situation and circumstance as if they are in a place to do so is down right WRONG. I try; really I do try, to keep my own opinions to myself. Because I am not innocent of the judging at all, however as I have become older and have had life experiences I have learned that when you are someone’s friend – it doesn’t give you the permission to be rude (as Nadine would say).  You can say things in love without tearing someone else down. Or at least, be humble enough to say “I too have found myself in this situation however, blah blah blah” this would lead the person to believe that you are not “judging” them but you are empathizing with their situation.

I say these things to say, that I ask God daily to help me hold my tongue.  The tongue is the most powerful weapon we have and I try to use it for good not evil. But it’s SO hard when my temper flares like bull nostrils at a bull fight.  I get this anger from my Dad’s people, I can admit that.  But I get my silence from my Mom’s folks and yanno sometimes the silence is unhealthy, because it can lead you to POP at any minute. Now after saying that I ask you…

Have you ever found yourself in a place where you were unjustly judged? Have you judged someone without thinking that it’s more of a hindrance more than help? What have you done to release good karma?

~Shai

If you crying what the baby gone do?

If you crying, what the baby gone do?

Listening to: Touch the Sky Mix CD (cop dat cop dat, mixed by URs truly)
Location: at the J-OB be eazzzzeeeee
Mood: sweeter than the first kiss on a nice Friday evening in amidst of our Indian Summer


Today is Wet Wednesday, it’s rainy and gloomy. So why do you ask am I cheery and happy. I’m here in the land of the living God what other reason would I be to be happy. I have another day to do what I’m here for.  But enough of that . . . let’s get to the meat of this blog today.

Yanno I have been riding the relationship roller coasted for the past I’ll say 3 years now. Up and down around and back. Mind you I HATE ROLLER COASTERS literally; I have a fear of ‘em. But it doesn’t stop me from jumping from one ship to the next. I call it “the meantime” ride.  But most of the time I fall right back where I hadn’t intended, committed to someone who either isn’t really ready for it or just don’t do it for me in all the ways I need it. I need TP, no not toilet paper, the TOTAL PACKAGE. Now some may say – hey you better take what you can get because e’ryone doesn’t have a body like TO and a face like Boris and a mind like Cornell and bank like Jordan you just not gonna find that.  Hey, now those things are nice but they don’t make up my check list (checklist coming if ya interested) of what I want and need in a helpmate; either way, NOW it’s not my focus. Even if temptation comes along they are just going to have to be able to wait, because I got SOMETHINGS I need to do for me, ya feel me?

I say that to say this (yea’ I took your phrase and what?) First things first, that’s where we’ve been getting it all wrong. We aren’t putting first things first.  Yanno I have a few nice things and my life is pretty nice in comparison to some folk. I have a place to call home, food in the fridge, car with gas in it, clothes in my closet, family who loves me, and friends who adore me no matter how scatter-brained I can be.  These things some people may envy.  But don’t allow my shine to make you go blind! I feel like because if your (and I’m speaking in generalities but really about sweetn’lo) ish isn’t together don’t put your lack of initiative on me. Don’t pout and whine and complain that you need someone to help you do this that and the third. Now mind you there are plently of things that we need help with. Most of the stuff that I have acquired didn’t come from just me alone, BIG G had lots to do with it along with those people he sent me on the way.  I say that to say this (I did it again – hehehe) FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD, peep the book of James its all there.  How long will you sit on your duff, with your head under the sand, pouting because you were dealt a bad hand? As the title says; “waa waa waa” if you crying what the baby gone do…

Here’s a tissue for your issues…
Wipe them eyes and let’s crack them knuckles and get to work…

~Shai

“I gotta testify, come up in the spot looking extra fly – fo da day I die Imma touch the sky!” – Kanye West

Salt of the Earth

Its been over a week since my last blog entry. I just haven’t had the energy for it. Sunday I was at the computer and had time to write something but I wasn’t really sure what to write or what really was important enough to address in a blog (like something has to have a level of importance to write about it?!?)

I went to Church on Sunday, trying to strengthen and straighten my walk in Christ. It was truly a blessed service. We read Genesis 39 – and discussed Favor. It was soooooooo good. I felt blessed from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. As usual the service spoke to me; I have yet to attend service and couldn’t get anything from it. I LOVE IT!

It’s so hard for me sometimes to let go of my strength and show my vulnerable side, if that makes sense. It’s obvious to me that I’m not strong, but I front like I am.  I can’t let anyone know how emotional I really am, and it seems the harder I try to hide it the more it shows.  I’m trying hard to lean on Big G, because that’s what we are supposed to do – I think this Independent Woman thing (Question! Tell me whatcha feel about….okay quick DC moment) like I was saying this whole I am a Woman and I can take care of myself I don’t need your help – is more of a hindrance than anything.  I don’t want to play the role of Damsel in Distress it’s like where is the GRAY area!!!! But here’s my problem I HAVE NO GRAY AREAS!!!! *arrggh* I am either handling business on my own – or I’m leaning. I hate depending on other people for things. I want to do it all on my own. I will too, do it all on my own one day. Just me and Big G – rolling hard like two kids skippin school to go to the mall….

The older I get the more I realize how spoiled I really am and even tho’ I’ve learned to “make do” with what I have, I always want and desire more.  Even still it amazes me how Daniel has so much to do with the woman I’ve become. I wonder, who I would be if I had never met him or at least never given him my number; what year was that, 1992 – wow – a million years ago. Growing up a young, vibrant teen-ager, I was flirt, I smiled a lot, lived care-free, I was rough around the edges, not girly AT ALL, okay maybe slightly but not really. I can’t believe at the age of 16 I let him “mold” me – ewwww he was a PIMP. Dang it!!!

Here’s a Question

How do you shed 13 years of molding? How do you find yourself under all the pain and hurt that altered your behavior, your way of thinking, your life? (okay how did I get here, I thought I was going to talk about being the salt of the earth?)Even tho’ quite a bit of who I am has changed in the years, I am eagerly seeking the woman I was before. The sassy independent chica who took no ish; where did she go?

As much as I say that I’m so much like my Mother, I see my Father in me as well. I get in the moods where I just don’t want to be bothered with people. I just wanna close myself up in the house and just BE. I miss that. I missed the times when folks weren’t thinking about me, wanting me to go to parties with them or the next big event in town. When I used to come home from work, watch Law and Order, eat Chinese, get to know myself, and go to bed.  Those were the times. WHEN WILL I GET MY OWN HOUSE???????

This is why I’m working part-time – to get my ISH together….

Okay – so I did ramble today – SO it’s my blog….
*poking tongue out*

I WANT FAVOR – I WANT TO BE THE SALT OF THE EARTH, give the world FLAVA!

~Shai

Shaky foundation

Listening to: Tonex (gospel station on yahoo launchcast)
Location: at work
Mood: reflecting….

Everything in life has some sort of foundation. At least everything stable has a foundation. Houses, Cars, Computers, Make-Up…..RELATIONSHIPS! If the foundation is weak the rest of it will be faulty also. I say this to say that I’ve found that my previous relationships (not just romantic, but friendships as well) have all stood up to that policy. When you have a friendship/relationship with a STRONG foundation it weathers ALL storms. I got only a handful of friends who I can say stood the test of time – my cousin Ebony probably being the one who stands out amongst them all. We’ve been friends since I was in 3rd grade. Believe that we have had our “outs” and we’ve had growing pains. As adults although both of our lives have deviated from the paths we took together, we can always come back to what we once had. I have realized in the 29th year of my birth, that friendships are SO important. Its one thing to know they are important it’s another to KNOW they are important and to cherish what you have, show appreciation and do what you can. Make sacrifices for people who would without quorum make those same sacrifices. It’s not to say do things for people and expect anything in return. We do what we want to do. But we also do things to show appreciation. Does that make sense? Normally Imma love me or leave me alone type of person.  I love with my whole heart but in the same breath I have/had a tendency to see how this situation will benefit me and treat it accordingly. I’ll walk away from a relationship with the quickness. I think I’ve taken a few of my friends/relationships for granted with this attitude. TODAY IS A NEW DAY. I started it by telling my cousin I love her. I do. I appreciate her heart – it loves unconditionally. That’s a true friend.

this is ebony below


  

This brings me to the abrupt end of my dating my friend from Baltimore. Things fall apart. What more can I say. It seems as tho’ he says one thing (I won’t beg you to be with me) but then says another (but I don’t see why we can’t work this out). I wasted 12 years of my life putting faith in someone who I thought was on the same page with me. Someone who I thought shared the same convictions the same beliefs someone who I thought was built for me.  In thinking about it now, our foundation was faulty….and such things do, fall apart.

I implore you, if you cherish a relationship, a friendship, something that you have taken for granted make sure that you show your appreciation. It doesn’t mean shower someone with gifts just let them know how important they are. Send them an e-greeting or a hallmark card, make them gifts from hand if you want, write them a poem, or sing them a song. DO SOMETHING!! Look at your relationships – do they have a strong foundation? If not – they will soon fall….sometimes things must be destroyed in order to rebuild them…..with that said look at yourself (as I have been taking inventory myself) destroy the things of you that are not positive, uplift, not Christ-like, and rebuild a stronger foundation….its never too late…

With that I say

ASHE

Be blessed.

Shai


Feed me the breadth of knowledge of the WORD
And I shall grow full, never to hunger for or need anything more

"You do You and I'll do Me" - Sunshine Anderson

I've been MIA....took a part time job at nights so its like where's the time
listening to: the new music I got from my cousin Ebony
location: at work
mood: chill

I don't have much to say today - I'm doing me
single sexy and free - AGAIN - but its all good
Went out wit my best friend Tony on Friday....we had a decent evening
see pic below



its Monday - what more can we say?
Hopefully I'll be able to post now once a week on either Saturday or Sunday...
what's really good with folks - if ya reading this drop me an email or post a comment. . ....

Distractions distract from the Actions you lack to move on with. . .

listening to: Taralyn Ramsey Fan Station on Yahoo Launchcast
location: at work (shhh don't tell ne one)
mood: content

as I have become older I have noticed a lot of different things about my personality. Its interesting as I "get to know myself" that I am able to share my lil "quirks" with other people.  I feel like I’m growing into my beauty . . . does that sound funny? Hopefully I’ll take some pictures soon to share…

any who so I’ve been in constant search the past 3 weeks or so for a distraction. My current situation has gone from good to bad, and so I needed something to get my mind off that. Needless to say I had a distraction call me up on Thursday! Yea!! In retrospect, although this distractions is helping me keep my mind off the craziness of my pseudo-relationship, its also keeping me from handling that situation and being done with it.. .

anyways… off to the weekend

We are not meant to be alone

I think that sometimes we create ideas, theories, and hypothesis to make ourselves feel better about our situation. I had a thought bubble last night on my way home from work. In speaking with a few of my girlfriends from college, high school, co-workers and such most of us Women have the same desire; to find the “one” to marry, to have children, etc.  Many of us say that these things are not what define us and we do not need them to be whole. But as I was thinking about it, I beg to differ. We do need companionship to be whole.  I often rationalize the male/female ratio to why everyone doesn’t marry or have a significant other. (Again a theory as to the why’s) I have decided today – to stop questioning that. I know my value and my worth – it is not in my time when I will marry and have children (is that another theory I hear?).  At any rate, my theory is that we, women were created from the rib of man, as such Men are missing something important within themselves…women. I think when a man finds a woman who completes him on all levels he has then found his rib. We are puzzle pieces that alone are obscure but together create a picture worth staring at.  With all that said, I believe that we (humankind) are not meant to be alone. I cannot fathom that our Creator would create us in him image and then expect us to live a life of a recluse.  I do not think or at least I do not theorize that means everyone will marry, but I do not think everyone is meant to live their lives without a companion of some sort. Okay – I think I’m rambling or sumfin perhaps I should have written this yesterday when I had this wonderous thought bubble. . .

~shai~

My Mother In the Mirror

Saturday my sista roller set my hair. I should have taken some pictures because of course I slept on it and squished one side so its not as CUTE as it was Saturday. At anyrate, I looked in the mirror and I saw my Mother. Now normally I'd be sicken at that thought. Its not that I don't love my Mother. I love her dearly. If it hadn't be for her and GOD and yeah my dad I wouldn't be here. But when I looked in the mirror I remember when I was seven years old. I remember my Mother wearing her hair similar to this. I remember the shine in her eyes and her bright warm smile. My Mother and I have had a strained relationship for years. I don't think I can remember a time after I got my first menstrual cycle that we ever got along. When my parents divorced its got worse. I think constantly I fought with my Mother mentally because of my parents split. I, the self-proclaimed "Daddy's Girl" blamed her for everything. Once the split was permanent I looked at the way she handled her relationships there after, I swore to myself I would NEVER be like my Mother. NEVER, ever. What's the phrase, "never say never"? Well that couldn't be further from the truth. Because I have embodied so many of my Mother's characteristics and behaviors I am almost ashamed to admit them. Its weird how we can acknowledge the cycle and the desire to break it, yet we roll on anyway. So These thoughts and/or revelations that I have been having not only about my Mother but about my Mother's side of the family in general, have given me a new appreciation for them. The women on my Mother's side of the family - all single - all previously married are strong. A strength I probably never really noticed as child or a teenager. We place so much emphasis on having men in our lives (we as women) that I think we lose our own strength in that. My Mother and her sisters, although I'm sure they all want Cinderella happiness and glory they; Dawn, Colleen, and Evelyn, are beautiful, smart, and strong w/o it. So I pledge to carry on the strength of the Charity women along with the Charisma of the Cotman family(my father's ppl) with hopes that the cycle that's been created - these single strong women w/o men to head the homes to be broken with myself, Lisa, Lenora, Melissa, and Arese. I love my Mother and my Aunties very much. I hope that I can be just as half as strong as they are and when I do have children that I can teach them to be just as strong as me. I know the importance of family, the importance of the trinity in the home God, Husband & Wife. My parents raised me well, mind you I didn't have a story book life by far - but there's no need to complain for had it not been for the struggles that lead me here, God where would I be? I thank God for the struggles, the pain, the heartbreak, the times when we were on gov't assistance, the times when I had no mode of transportation, the times when my love and trust were taken for granted, the times when I had no friends to support me, I thank him for all those things and those I didn't mention because as I said before they shaped and molded me into who I am now. Daughter, Sister, Niece, Aunt, Cousin, & Friend. Thank God for my Mother because I am her and she is me....

~shai~

Up Against All Odds

listening to: he can't love you - Jagged Edge
location: at work (shhhh don't tell anyone)
mood: Happy

So I am listening to yahoo launchcast and up against all odds by Tarralyn Ramsey come on. I LOVE THAT SONG! It makes me look back on my life and think about the decisions I have made that led me here. I dont regret ANYTHING. At least that is the revelation that has hit me today. (sidenote: I spoke to u know who online today but didnt have it in me to say much more) Im sure if you asked me anytime before now and Id probably regret many things. But no sense in rehashing the past, what will that do for my future? Knowing my past and learning from that is one thing but to live there would be a waste of time and energy. With all that bunch of nothing said, I say this Thank God I have my memory and a few pictures to help me treasure my happy times and my not so happy times. This is the only life I have as Tabatha Ann CXXXXX, in my next life I may be a monkey flinging poo at the Bronx Zoo. So Im just going to live.

Lets talk about these people in NaLeans. WOW. Its sad to see all this going on. I wish I could do something other than give money. I want to help clean up and rebuild and restore. See this is the time when hitting the lottery would come in handy for me. Then I wouldnt have to work and I could be a philanthropist. The price of gas is ridiculous too, but who doesnt already know that?! I just sit back and look in amazement. Ive looked for alternative ways to work and havent found any so far outside of biking or walking. But I live cross de riva. . . I cant see myself biking or walking over a bridge seems a bit frightful. I know that doesnt make sense because I drive my car over it. But Im clumsy I may trip over my feel and fall over the rail or lose control over the bike and get hit by on coming motorist. Ive applied for a night job at a local banking institution so hopefully Ill be getting that job and making some extra peanuts to put towards my petrol.

Oooh Emotional by Carl Thomas just came on. BOY O BOY. They are JAMMIN on launchcast today I SWEAR.

I really dont have too much more to write today. Things in my world are beautiful. Im not saying my life is in no way shape or form perfect. But something changed or happened to me in June which just made me a different person. Mind you Im still moody and spoiled but I dont complain as much, I dont worry as much, its just this unfailing light thats growing inside me lately I like it. . . its kinda warm and fuzzy and tastes like a mimosa from the Sheraton Sunday brunch. *giggle*

Hopefully Ill have time tomorrow to write in the blog at the normal blog time. If not this extra blogging fill the criteria as my three times a week critieria.

up against all odds, we were going up against all odds, trusting and believing in the miracle of love - Tarralyn Ramsey

~shai~

small sacrifices for the greater good

listening: Be Happy - Mary J Blige (our fave)
location: I think I should just not include this anymore I'm always home
mood: peace, surprisingly


"...even though I wasn’t there to hold your hand
or take your love from her
still
I remained an issue
Constantly served on the same plate along with previous females
who shared intimate moments with you..." - excerpt from Shai's Quietness

so its Wednesday since its 12 sumfin in the morning. I just finished writing something real real personal. So I'm trying to decide if that's what my blog should be about today or not. But I guess I already made that decision by quoting the poem and the title. So how should I put this. . . I don't know. Once upon a time a girl met a boy - she fell in love wit him and he her. Eventually they realized that although their love was strong it wasn't strong enough to extend over the distance they were apart as they both NEEDED physical affection along with mental/emotional. Other changes came into play. She(meaning I) tried to hate him but it didn't work. She put on a real good front for everyone - even for him at times. But it was constantly knocked down by the fact that their bond was spiritual. SO NOW - he has a "friend" whom isn't too keen no our friendship because of our past history. I understand how she feels - hell if I was her I'd feel the same way. So he and I are on hiatus as far as our friendship is concerned. That troubles me because I have finally been able to come to grips with our friendship and the lines and boundaries that should be placed there. Finally I am able to be HIS FRIEND and not get my feelings hurt at the mere thought of him going on with his life. FINALLY. Let's EXHALE for me please - - ahhhhhh. But now, now he had to make the decision - keep our friendship intact or work on building with a woman who could very well share his last name in the future. . . alas I feel like the white dude at the 68 Olympics - there in the picture but completely oblivious to the history being made. . . I digress. So now as I read over this and think. . . I thank GOD for the strides I've made with that. I never thought I'd be able to be his friend his true friend...not someone harboring feelings and living each day with ulterior motives (did I spell that right?) THANK YOU JESUS for setting me FREE!!

if anyone wants to see or hear the entire poem - hit me up with an email and I'll bless you wit that...

always learning and growing
the muse formerly known as Shai

learn to keep your mouth shut...

listening: a/c unit blasting
location: home, where else I'm broke?
mood: indifferent

I told myself I was going to write on this blog 3 times a week, MWF. That way I don't ignore it or myself. As writing has always been therapuetic for me. Today's thought bubble is learning when to be quiet or SHUT YO' DAMN MOUTH! I will only speak for myself. I am like a light switch. Either I'm on or I'm off. I am NEVER EVER in the middle. Anytimes you may catch me dimming is when I'm trying to stay neutral. But know that I am always one way or the other. Left or right, hot or cold, black or white, pork or beans, spic or span. Never both. So today I implore you to search yourselves and ask yourself, has there EVER been a time when I said "self, SHUT UP!"? Then say - "Did I indeed shut up?". I say all these things to say this, a very good friend of mine said that sometimes we as women analyze too much we question too much instead of just going with the flow. . .and far be it for me to argue. I always analyze it helps when making decisions - and I can tell you this I AM TIRED OF DATING!!!! I hate abiding by rules, I hate wondering what the other person is thinking or feeling, I hate guessing. I'd rather say hey this is how I feel DEAL WITH IT. . . .okay so the spoiled side of me is out today....perhaps I'll be back later to write more...loving me maybe a lil too much

~Shai

Back then they didn't want me. . . .

music: I ain't got nothing (On the Grind) - David Banner
location: H to the izz O (mi casa)
mood: doing the back stroke in thought waters

So I'm chillin like a villian in my b-boy stance, clockin' all the honeys as they pass. . .. yea' I'm trippin' At anyrate - I was watching the Bakwoodz video "You're gonna love me" and the dude was talking about back in the day the women used to treat him like Urkel the Nerd but now they flock when they see his Lebrons(?) on the curb. This made me think of the ingenious Mike Jones "Back Then" song and as my mind started to add links to the chain "clink clink" I was thinking why is it that some women determine a man's worth by his bank? Why is it that some women would only date men who either have a real good job or work the street corners well. "clink clink" Back then they didn't want me now I'm hot they all on me MIKE JONES "clink clink" Back then women were domesticated. We didn't work outside of the home, we had children and kept the home clean and depended financially solely on the man to provide. I think that these deeper rooted issues that some women have with not being totally independent may seep back to those times. Helllll let's go even further back "clink clink" to days of men living in caves as many scientist/anthropologist or whatever other ist claim to have happened. Men selected their mates by their abilities to have children, where did the term "child bearing hips" come from? Also their beauty played a role as they would want beautiful children. Same with women, we selected men by how they can provide for the home, is he strong? how much antelope did he kill this week? does he keep nice furs(lol) "clink clink". I believe that these ways of choosing a mate transcended into our culture now - however as times change and roles change not always do our mind set. As we add in the changes Women's Rights, equal pay for equal work, affirmative action and the like I believe that we as women play a role into what men deem as important and how to attract and keep a woman."clink clink" Its funny I think this topic is deep and there's NO WAY I can convey ALL that I think and feel about it in one journal entry. However, I will say this. . . there are too many MEN who do not work, who do not take care of their children, who do not take care of themselves and I think that this is in part where some women have coddled them. As we now can go out of the home and often times have made more money and have made ourselves so independent that men are insecure. This is not an excuse by far. I believe that EVERYTHING starts at home if we as children have proper role models and a good foundation - we will learn that if you don't work ya don't eat (as my Daddy used to tell us). I feel like I'm rambling on and away from the topic. Unfortunately some women have taken advantage of some men's good fortune and have made them rather pimp women who have their own baggage and insecurities. This leads to "pimpin" being a Pop Culture phrase of acceptance "clink clink" so who am I blaming for men wanting all these flashy things and women with no good home training succumbing to illicit behaviors so that they too can "bling bling". . . .no one really - I'm just thinking HOW can we FIX IT? There's nothing we can do with these adults, sad to say but its true. The only thing we can do is instill good habits and practices in our children. Teach them what's right and what's wrong and pray to God that these things will stick with them through out life. "clink clink" Me, Myself? It would be nice to have a man who banks 100,000 a year and has a fleet of cars, and houses and can travel the world. . . but I'm a simple woman and I enjoy simple things. I'd rather have a man who I can build wealth with than have a man who's extremely wealthy and expects me to be his play thing. I have no problem being Holly Homemaker and accepting the roles that come with that, but by no means will I become the VIDEO VIXEN. "CLINK CLINK"

Content with who I am

music: new Vivian Green CD
location: at the hizzle (at home)
mood: happy

Today was a MONDAY typical in that I got up to go to work and came home. These last past eight months have been - different for the lack of a better word. I've been engaged, single, and spoken for all in the course of these eight months. I've been completely alcohol free to stumbling down the stairs of a local club to fall into the arms of a chocolate teddy bear. I've been homey in sweats with my hair all over the place - I've been glammed up and definitely the one who stood out in a crowd of my peers. My heart has been warm with love like hot apple pie from Grandma's kitchen and colder than ice pops in Alaska only eager to feed my own wants, needs, and desires. Here I find myself back where I started from loving freely, wildly, and openly. I like this side of me. I love giving of myself until there is almost nothing left. Why? I have no clue but its who I am. I'd like to swim in this feeling, secure, safe, confident, knowing. . .questions. Am I perfect? No. Do I have it all together? No. More importantly do I love myself? YES. Do I have goals? YES. Am I focused - well I am a lil hazy but its all goooooood.
My friend Slim and I are doing well - AGAIN back where I wanted us to be from the beginning gushy with love and fresh with thoughts of tomorrow.
I've been reading the Video Vixen book. I swore I would NOT buy this book and add to this woman's wealth - cuz I'M BROKE and her she gets MORE money for telling people how many folk she slept with. Now I am going to be honest - my heart goes out to her for having such a hard life. My life was no where near as HARD as hers. I can't judge her because I've done some things I am not too PROUD of but I dunno I hope this book helps young girls in the same circumstance make better decisions. I'll let ya know what I really think when I am finished reading the book.
I took a mile walk today - only 15 mins and I actually sweated - boooo at me. Although I've always been a big gurl - I've normally been in "shape" for the most part. Meaning I had stamina and was active - in my 'old age' I have just dwiddled down to a couch potatoe!! OH NO! I will be 30 next year and I anticipate being back down to the size I was when I started college. Not that it was a svelte size or anything its much smaller than I am now. I just want to be healthy - I love being lovably big and always sexy even in my goofiness and silliness I've held some type of appeal. I can't explain it. But what I will call it is the Cotman Charm - because I swear its hereditary. My Grandfather, My Father, My Aunts, My Brother, My Cousin, Joi and wow ME!! Anyway I'm rambling now. . . . there's the update - I'm happy today and thankful for what I've been given...

relationships, split personalities, PUT GOD FIRST

music: listening to "the roots - you got me"
location:chillin at home
mood: I love me some me

I rearranged my bedroom because I need a change
plus its apart of my let's get organized mission

Recently I've been dealing with some trust issues in my new relationship. More of my issue than his. However, I've allowed other peoples perception to alter my own. Now in my heart - the trust is still there strong, in my mind is a different story. So I am at the point where I need to refocus and adjust my mental.

most of the times I'm pleasant and giggly. however as of late i've been moody and have my "inspecta gadget" shoes on. I am so ready for just a CHANGE. I am ready for a new career move, something BIG to happen with my writing, I'm just READY!!! oh yeah and a side note: HATING @$$ B*TCHES NEED TO JUST CLEAN THEIR HOUSE BEFORE THEY START RUNNING THEIR WHITE GLOVED FINGERS THROUGH MINE!!! (can you say bi-polar? that's that split personality stuff I've been tellin ya about)

I pray daily. I don't like when I get off my prayer flow. I know that you're asking yourself - wasn't she just cussing up a storm a few lines up? Yes I was. . .and? My relationship with G.O.D is mine - NE wayz like I was saying when my focus was there before this week e'rything was straight. I wasn't stressing about anything my focus was clear...when I pray I have a sense of calm over me. At anyrate I read Psalms 51 today and it clearly spoke to me. So peep that out yall. . .

loving life because I am a child of God. . .

~Shai