52 Pick Up

how easily
I fall to the fallacy
of words imagery
creating picturesque possibilities
that pleases my
third-eye
blinded
by the joker’s juggling
I seem to be smitten by the Lie King
whose empty wagon promises
become noisier
with each bump in the road
uncomfortable in this journey I
batten down the hatches
hold firmly
to the proclamations of said King
yet
they slide through my fingers
like the sands of time
wasted
in the shadows of nothingness
my nakedness
renders me
powerless
yet cloaked in my right mind
I seek refuge
in places he’d never think
to find
me
dancing in sun showers
with commoners whose riches out weigh
any oasis he could promise
living simply
on truth
find myself so drunken in such integrity
forget to cut soul ties
that bind me
easily
he calls me
home
Queen
to the King that lies

-- loveshai

Integrity

music: Neo-Soul playlist from Imeem


location: in HIGHland Springs baby!


mood: sugar high






so today one of my coworkers were released of their duties. I will not go into all of the specifics but it makes me think and wonder about our world and our integrity.

There has been times where I have done things I had NO business doing. Things that may have gotten me in jail or worse. But I was younger then, and I've grown and learned so much. As you become an adult and you move on to have a CAREER, not a job but a career where your reputation and character comes into play. That's when you step back and become more accountable for the things you do. We are no longer in high school, we don't just get "the tap" and then move on. Serious things happen, your whole life and livelihood are now at steak.

I am truly at a loss for words but I know that the ALMIGHTY has reason and purpose for everything. I am thankful that I still have a place I can call work and I look forward to whatever blessings the Creator has in store for myself and my Co-workers who are still there to hold the fort down. We are made of some good stock and I know that we will be able to do what needs to be done.

Keeping my integrity in check!

~Shai

Daily Inspirational Quote

“Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

The power of your intention, your intent, your word, is immense. We
might ascribe this effect to the power of prayer, to natural forces, or to our
will to create our desired outcome. In any case, use this power. Believe in what
you do as well as doing it.

“What we think, we become. All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make the world” Buddha

So I recently subscribed to this Daily Inspirational Quote email. The first quote is the daily quote; it then follows with some description and/or thought to follow it up. Then after that they present other quotes to support it. My very first email from this site www.dreamthisday.com blew me away. It really set my mood and my feeling for the day.

Your love is more powerful than your words or your actions.
- Jonathan
Lockwood Huie
We all tend to measure our worth by what we DO - the actions we
take. We also highly value what we SAY. However, the greatest impact we have on
our family, our friends, and our world is our kindness and love. A bowl of soup
served with love is a greater gift than a steak dinner served brusquely.

I am working on trying to clear my mind and allow anything but positive energy flow through. In previous years I was aspiring to keep it real and deal and focus only on the reality of things. I think now in living that way I seemed to center my thoughts on negativity. So with that being said here I am re-inventing myself in hopes that my actions become a trickle effect and that pushes out positivity in order to receive it in return.
As today’s daily inspiration noted, once you make a decision the universe conspires for it to happen. Well here it is, decision made, line in the sand! Time to live up to the HYPE!

Let’s Get It!

~Shai - “I am somewhat of a BIG deal”

its been a long time

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. - Friedrich Nietzsche

my husband sent this to me in a letter one time.
At the time I was really on this quotes thing and stuff that people have said in life. I had sent him a serious Bob Marley quote trying to help him make it through the day.

I haven't blogged like for real like I used to in quite some time. A part of that is being busy another part is being lazy. I haven't done a lot of things that I used to do.

In the last two years I have made some decisions that I truly regret. This is odd coming from someone such as myself. I have always been the type of person who makes a decision and stick to it and have been FULLY CONFIDENT in my decision. These last really as I think about it THREE years have been full of second guessing myself. It's funny it seems strangers know more about me and who I am than I do.

But I digress...
truth be told, I am tired. Tired of EVERYTHING but oh so THANKFUL for GOD who has kept me ALL this time.

prayerfully, instead of getting back to the Real Chic I knew back in they day prior to 01/05 ~ I pray that I EVOLVE into the Grown Woman GOD intended me to be. I am forever thankful for my life expierences and know that this is ONLY THE BEGINNING.

blessings

~Shai

Pushing the RESET button

As I drove into work this morning several things went through my head. I thought about how I am going to be off of work for the next 9 days and exactly what that meant to me. Then I thought about the all important “HIBERNATION OF SHAI” the time during the year where I just roll “solo for dolo” I haven’t really been able to do that since the fall of 2006. It seems like my life has been a runaway roller coaster filled with really high highs and really low lows.

As an update I got married on 01/03/09, my Great Aunt Mary died that following month, followed by my Grandmother Eunice in March, and the next month my Great Aunt Lou. After that I’ve been battling silent depression and trying to push forward with my life in general. It’s hard especially when two of those women had a significant impact on my life as a child growing into my womanhood. Women who wanted to see me married with children and build a prosperous life for myself. *sigh*

I was laid off Oct 2007 and finally secured a full time gig in the Health & Human Services sector March 2009. Finally I am happy with my work life. I enjoy what I do and look forward to learning new things daily. Marriage is definitely different from being boyfriend/girlfriend.

Lastly and most importantly my health, I’ve been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes since 2005 I want to say, the whole time I’ve been in denial about it. Because I’ve been borderline diabetic for quite some time and after taking a particular blood pressure medicine that actually made my sugar spike I was diagnosed with this diabetes. Because of all the stress that I’ve endured over the last year coming from ALL corners of my life here I am back with extremely high sugar levels and stroke numbers for my blood pressure. Really it is time to hit the RESET button.
So that is what I plan to do over my vacation. Create a goal list, start a vision board, and press the RESET button prayerfully this time things will truly START OVER a new.

8.18.2008 "here lies the remains of LOVE"

During the haunting of the bewitching hours
the sky was draped with a thick sapphire curtain
diamond pieces strewn against its backdrop
a beautiful night
where the sounds of the evening lulled her to sleep
she
had a peace painted on her face that anyone could see
this is where an angel lays
but for him, insomnia played with his brain
scattered was his thoughts as
he
held her tight
afraid that the dusk may take her away
with the night
in the bed that they shared
visions of possible infidelities pulled at his heart strings
could it be?
he
held her
close
because her misgivings were true
and they both knew
that with time
she
could be Swayze like Casper
but by then there would be nothing he could do
so now
he just held her
praying God would see fit to make her stay
praying that he could find forgiveness in her eyes
when he tried to explain away the why’s
with alibis
they both knew were empty of the truth
and he wondered would it be for naught
if she had already
done the very dreaded thing
that he had done to her
on so many different occasions
when his immaturity stole his ability to care
and his arrogance made it so
in his mind
she would always be there
so he laid
trying to calm the worry in his heart
with thoughts of the forever he promised her
hoping that she remembered
where
his
true
love
remained

untitled 02.24.09

my whole heart hinges on the frame set
promises, me
accepted, you
gifts are spiritual
intangible yes but easily held on to
daily is the battle
between
trust
and
truth
best kept
are secret weapons held rosary close
padded between red written script
unshakable
the faith stream
flows stronger with each new moon
guided we
by ancestry
clinging to
old good news
easily
sought
the devilish plot
harder still
the heaven in you
blinders
stay focused on the path ahead
see no
speak no
sear no
yet all the world knows
we
be
true like
accidental coincidence
instant replay
unnecessary
the heed
no need
we see beyond the seen
around the world and back again
promises, me
accepted, you
the frame set
onto
my whole heart
hinges

Untitled...02/18/09

writing from another POV

Can I French kiss your sexiness,
Only If
it pleased you miss?
I’ll be your pleasure slave
Act up
because you’ll make me behave
Relish the punishment like a gift
Every lick
Every kiss
Would magically heal all wounds
Oh Queen
How I beseech thee
Let me be
The only who can sup from your cup of humility
Respect given
wholeheartedly
But behind closed windows and doors
Bellow moans never heard before
drips the honey from the hive of desire
spreads the sweetness
that sets my soul on fire
unscathed in the blaze
remove all my past indiscretions
your love
is my lesson
no guessing
it’s with no question
that I want to feed the need the burns within me
only
if it pleases you miss
I would love to kiss
Your sexiness

Woman of Purpose

it is your determination
in a world of lack
you bring back more than a harvest
you bring back freedom for the generations to come
because
you
have purpose
dying daily in the flesh
no one sees
the past hurt because you work through the pain
never missing a beat
rising before the morning star
you prepare us for tomorrows coming
with out complaint
or expected reward
you toil during the day
sharing the gifts that God has given you
sharing the GOD in you
humbly placing yourself last
how can we
ever begin to say thank you?
the simple utterance of those words should offend you
because thank you in simple is
only being polite
truthfully
manners are only used in mindless banter
and it is with my whole mind that I recognize
WHO YOU ARE
woman of purpose
draped in valor
fear knows not your name
because it is with the FULL ARMOR
that you walk this earth
bind up every curse
and loose every blessing
you are
a living
testimony.

the power of the tongue

If lips could kill
Mine would be laced with so much venom
That our first kiss would
seal your demise instantly
I’d swallow your spirit
Watching you grasp for that very last piece of life
It would be my pleasure
To it steal from you
How easily you thought I’d be
Added to your list of mighty conquests
Never thinking that
This
Would be your last
Kiss
Just so you know that I carry no hard feelings
I’d blow a smidge of life back to you
enough that you would regret ever meeting me
Or perhaps ever trying to play me
Or better still your deepest regret would be
All the time you wasted before me
Because you
Like pain, drama, bs, foolishness
Wallow in it like pigs do their own feces
Never realizing how much
you stink
try to wash away the obvious
its hard to do when its permanent
as the days pass you’ll try to find memories to hold on to
look for photos from long before
relishing the moments when
you were in control
now your life has been checked at the front door
because you gave the keys away
allowed too many children in
bastards conceived in your harem mentality
thinking that you were king
all the while my queendom was just one moment away from
stopping your reign
inked a deal with the one who shall not be named
just so I could have the last laugh
silly rabbit
you didn’t know?
My lips
can
kill

Open Letter

you ever had something to say to someone but know that there was no real use in saying anything?

that's how I'm feeling about now....

so instead of sending a letter, email, or wasting my minutes with a phone call...I will just get it all our right here...

Dear You,

I will not say I hate you. But I am actually quite glad that you have let go fully and leaving no safety net for me. Despite how you feel - I know my intentions. I hope you enjoy your life. Since you have officially settled for the consolation prize. I always knew that you didn't have the fight in you. I would say the same for myself, but I am confident in my decisions no matter how irrational to the "world" they may seem to be.


Dear You - yes you!

I can't believe how you reacted to me telling you the truth. I would expect that you would understand. But I have to remember everyone isn't me. Not saying I am perfect - I know I am far from that but at the same time. It just seems like your disdain came so quickly as if your love never truly exsisted.


Dear You - yep YOU TOO

WOW is all I have to say about the things that I heard. I can't believe I've allowed it to get under my skin as it has. But I have. Its funny growing up we vowed now to be those people, you know the ones who are fraud, the ones who shine up their sh!t to make it appear to be better than it is, the ones who tear down someone else to build themselves up - or perhaps I was the only one who felt that way. Even though you and I have had our ups and downs - I thought we were past CCHS, popularity contest, and BS. Alas, I've come to see I was right the WHOLE time about you and all those you associate with (except a chosen few), you are plastic and void of real emotion, thought, and feeling...wow

***********************

that's enough letters for today maybe I'll write more later

Public Service Announcement!!

I don't know WHO but someone has been either hacking into my email OR creating a new email address and POSING as me!

I had a friend said this person IM'd him cussing him out using an OLD YAHOO ACCOUNT

and someone else saying that I was emailing them pictures of my fiance' BOTH things I did not do

SO to clear the record I am posting all my OLD screen names and letting e'ryone who knows me know what CURRENT ways they can get in touch with me

Previous Yahoo Screen IDS

lavonicalayne

daprecus1

sweetcreamscile

strawberributtah (oh yahoo and aol)

strawberriwetkisses

loveshai

loveshai1976

sistacharity

the most current user name and the ONLY one I use (I have deleted all previous accounts) is BLUEZATTITUDE

also for hotmail(both accounts are active) its:

sacrificeone (my poetry email)

t_a_cotman (my business email)

since this person must know more about me than they should I have CHANGED my passwords on ALL my accounts including MYSPACE, FACEBOOK, CHOCOLATEBRIDES and most recently MULTIPLY. I will be changing my password e'ry week to keep potential trouble makers from f*cking wit me with HIGHSCHOOL BULL SPIT!

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Tabatha A Cotman - the one and ONLY!

Untitled

somewhere in the shadows of insecurity her love lingers

floating on storm clouds

hiding the warmth of bliss

vaguely she remembers yesterdays

where no care was too big to swallow her happiness

but today she brings her umbrella

trusting the impending cloud burst

curse the wretched weathering

sullen

she sulks in her actions

wondering their origin

while she waits for him

never before has she felt this manic

it must be love

or is it the obsession of things hope for

drown herself

in the fantastic future realties

that may never be

she lives for tomorrows coming as if the present didn’t matter

because tomorrow will always be better

yet today

today is the resting place

for torn hearts of disappointment

where emptiness resides

the home of despondent desires constantly seeking refuge

in acceptance

she gazes upon the vision staring back from the looking glass

her reasons for being, dim like old light bulbs

as she forgets why

reaching back for yesterdays happiness she falls flat

on the face of today’s misgivings

constantly blaming herself

for

following her heart

for

running on emotion

for

plain not thinking

for anything and everything

until she

can no longer bear the face staring back at her

tosses out the umbrella

walks into the storm ready for its unforgiving pressure

knowing that her sanity

rests in how she handles its weathering

knowing that her life

hangs in the balance

swinging from the noose of regret

knowing that tomorrow’s happiness is based solely

on how she handles today

and now is not the time for crying

now is not the time for tears

now is time to

man the F*CK up

Mama didn’t raise no chumps

Dust the bullsh!t off

And

Walk

A

Way

Never to look back.

Fantasies

You provoke my imagination

take me to the limit

I smile at my fantasy’s possible impossibilities

wondering

when will we

push the limits

to see how far we could really get

look past the obvious obstacles

make the impossible

possible

I can keep a secret

just as long as you whisper

right

where

“she” can hear it

spell out what it is you need from me

while you

gratify my insatiable

that is

if you have the stamina to

go there

willing am I to take the chance

just so I can experience

my imagination’s

impossible possibilities

fantasies made real

even if

its only for the moment

I’ll savor it

like it was my last breath

and when my lips curl to speak your name

the sweet taste of yesterdays

will forever stain my memories

if

only

we

take the chance

on fulfilling our fantasies.

T'Day

Loves Company

I heard him
Call me out my name
Like a number in a bingo hall
Within that very moment
Time
Stood sill
My heartbeat
Became the soundtrack of my life
Its melody was heavy and thick
I stewed over his coldness
Like New Orleans jambalaya
As the silence between us grew
I began to get pissed
Livid that I even had to deal with this shit
Even if it was my mess to fix
So I
Retraced my steps
Tried to find where I might have slipped cuz I know I’m smooth at this
Ya see
The way my lips move
Would defy the prowess of Gail Denver, Flo Jo, and Marion Jones
I knew I was wrong
But did I deserve this?
Blatant as my disrespect of his business
Was he of my name sake
Raped me his home invasion
I was judged and sentenced
In less than 10 minutes without commercial intervention
Why lie
Truth is
I’m that
Snitch b*tch you’d never tell a secret to
That silent assassin
You never see coming
That private dick
tryin to catch ya slip so I can bring home the bad news
I heard him
Call me out my name like
A number in a bingo hall
And I refuse to apologize
Make you my company
Call me
Misery

Luv Syck

Luv Syck

deep within the abyss of eternity
resides unconditional
sickened by cupid’s arrow sting
I sit
dazed & blind
while commuters drive by
screaming obscenities
so oblivious am I
to the world around me
yet before me
I see a blurred mass of distraction
draped in black
holding my life source
I think
SCREAM
NOW
but instead I cry
solid whole tears that shatter concrete and shake trees
unsatisfied is the hunger that pulls at my heart strings
so I try to fill the emptiness with substitutes
who swallow my energy
just so they can remain half whole
convince myself that THIS will do
until I feel the echoes inside
reminding me that I’m sick
hopeless
incurable
disgustingly so far gone
that if I wanted to turn back now
I wouldn’t know the way
even if I did
my illness would render me immobile
like today
where I sit
in rush hour traffic
wondering
why
you
don’t
love
me

Board Games

Have you hung ya mind out today or
Is it still wet with the nonsense
Implanted during your conditioning
U run the race
Trapped in the maze
Society placed you in
Constantly trying to push pennies
Thinking you’d soon fold dollars
Because there’s real truth in the adage
It takes money
To make money
But 5 cent ideas will never give you 5 mil returns
yet you hold firm to the scheme
re-up
to double up
and you’ll come up
so much that it becomes your anthem
re-up
to double up
and you’ll come up
pockets full of investment
trying to make the best of this
life you live
never realizing the limits you’ve placed
got in your own way
yet you continue to blame
the cards you were dealt
refusing to become
a sell out
to the system
that made you
its painstakingly obvious
you’ve let them win
drinking your pain
pissing away your prosperity
remaining stagnant
pulling down everyone else in the process
enough with the propaganda bull shit
lets get real with it
LIFE AIN’T EASY
And if you think for one second that it ever will be
Then
You
are beyond help
might as well kill yourself
because you’ve already become a statistic walking
its simply sickening
I can’t wrap my brain around your thinking
so I say this without the coat of sugar
it would normally take
for the easiest pill to be swallowed
WAKE THE F*CK UP
This is life
Either play by the rules
Or let the rules play you

Crossing Over

I’ve been seeking my virginity
have you seen her?
she’s been
hiding from me
during my search
I reminisce about her and those times before
when I didn’t know what I know
when the flesh
couldn’t test my weakness
those days before
mini skirts and no panties
before
midnight episodes in the back
Of his Cutlass Supreme
before
french kisses
between classes
hidden monkey bites behind turtleneck sweaters
I’ve been looking
for my innocence yet
I lost she
at the pivotal age of 17
on full mattress and box spring
he bed me
King
wed me
teenaged bride
I cried
"no"
I cried
"stop"
but
he didn’t hear me
just continued to push into my soul
until it ripped and gave in
tore into my world until it let go and gave in
I
gave
in
and gave
way
un
willingly
tiptoed slow
alone
into womanhood
newfound feelings, desires, clouded my mind
and stature
no longer a child who dreamed big
I became a woman who loved hard
but only with the tangible
because
touch equals charity
and
all we truly ever want
is a little charity
unconditionally
given with
with no strings attached
I reminisce

I
didn’t fight back

I
should have fought back

I’m
looking for my virginity

have you seen her?

MY west side story

she
hates
me
there’s no way that I can blame her
when photos of my very self-have been found
intermingled in emails to you
surprises wrapped in nakedness with a bow that read
"for YOUR
eyes,
only"
my voice
lacing your answering service
thick and melodious
as if you
had just
left
no
I don’t blame her for hating me
for tearing each picture sent
every card or love letter written
for cursing my name everytime
804 mysteriously
appeared on your caller id
you don’t have to confirm it for me
I know
She hates me
and to be honest? I agree.
How apparent it is that I hate myself
for continuing to play concubine
second wife
in this poly-faux relationship
when I know what I deserve is
unconditional commitment
but I continue chase rainbows with Lucky
trying find gold at the other end
as you profess your love for me
daily
between hushed voiced phone calls
three word emails
and emergency grocery store trips for
butta pecan ice cream
how painful it must be
for her to continue to compare herself to me
yet never being able to tally up the whys
when she and I
are like night and day
and yes
it hurts
constantly falsifying my need to be
apart of your daily living
blowing hot air up my own skirt
as if I can complete you fully
when in truth
I am only the "good time gal"
because she
Is who you go home to
she is who you share a bed with
she is who your family knows
and I
I am fantasy
phone calls and emails
photo streams and
tags
messages that linger over digital connections
that
lasted over years that remain uncounted
this
digital ghost that is me
is who taps into her insecurities
because she will never be able to understand
why she
is not enough
and between the two of us
truth is
our love combined can never be enough for you
so I won’t waste my time hating her
nor will I pity her life as wife to you
I will just continue
to seek sustenance in
green clovers
blue diamonds
orange stars
pink hearts
and purple horseshoes