Last Blog of 2005

So one of my friends on yahoo posted a re-cap of his year and shouted out folks important to him or people who had a direct influence on his year the way it started or ended.  That I will not do here but I do want to reflect on the year 2005 what it was and was not….

2005 I was supposed to be married. . .I’m not

2005 I was supposed to have purchased my first home. . . I still live in an apartment.

2005 I was supposed to be tithing fully 10%. . . I still only give 5% or less – I can’t believe I can’t give 10 cents…DANG!!!

2005 I was supposed to be more organized. . . .I’m not as organized as I like to be but I’m getting there..

What was good about 05? My ex and I broke up and I’ve written enough poems between February and August that I can do another book if I want to. I’ve made some REAL good connects, met some WONDEFUL and intelligent people, I’ve seen what real friends are made up of, I’ve finally realized what Pastor meant when he said that the closer you get to God that farther away from worldly people you become, I LOVE MYSELF EVEN MORE (is that possible?), I am a HATER (so at least I can admit it), I can truly be a trifling @$$ b*tch at times, I’ve learned so much about myself and how I relate to other people, you can find love after a BIG heartache, TRUST – empowers you to be the best you you can be in a relationship, the INTERNET is NOT the place go to and make friends (tho’ I already knew this I’ve seen some people get their feelings hurt real quick from ‘net’ friends, I don’t play well in the sandbox, I influence more people than I every imagined…..and lastly…..

I forgive those who have ever hurt me in the past and I am moving on in 2006 wiser, older, and more motivated for self-preservation!!!


~Shai, undoubtedly the flyest sista you’ll EVER meet and I mean fly on SO many levels!

*muah* Happy New Year!!

E'rythang ain't meant for E'rrybody

have you ever noticed that when somethings become "in" style e'ryone and they grandma wanna do it....well GUESS WHAT? E'rythang ain't meant for E'rrybody!!! Everyone can't be a photojournalist - cuz you gotta a digital camera and photoshop, e'ryone can't be a music producer because you got music software on your computer and a casio, e'rryone can't be a rapper cuz they make words rhyme - Dr. Suess could make words rhyme and he ended up being a novelist(lol I said Dr. Suess is a novelist), e'rryone can't be a model cuz they Mama think they pretty and they show mo'skins than sunday night football, e'rryone can't be a hairstylist cuz they can throw in a pony tail - that's why they got school for ish like that, e'ryone can't be a make up artist cuz they can buy sinful cosmetics from the local Asian beauty supply store and try to make it look like MAC "booo it ain't MAC and you look like HOMEY the clown", and LASTLY for my rant this evening.....

EVERYONE CANNOT BE A POET JUST BECAUSE THEY THINK THAT THEY ARE ON ANOTHER LEVEL – OR THAT THEY CAN MAKE WORDS RHYME – OR USE THE SAME TIRED METAPHORS – OR THINK THEY ARE ON A SOME REVOLUTIONARY TIP BECAUSE THEY STOPPED GETTING RELAXERS DRINK GREEN TEA AND SMOKE BIDI’S

i will not profess to be the best
i will confess that i take what i do seriously
i've been writing poetry since 1987 and i know i'm gifted
not to sound conceited or full of it - i know this this is one of my GIVEN talents...so it just offends me when regular folk try to call themselves "poets" and actually expect people to take them seriously....

sidenote: in a previous blog on yahoo I mentioned having a motto for 2006. Well I already have TWO that I'm considering...but I truly believe I'm goin to have to have a new motto each quarter because some folks *smh* need to learn...

i will say this for 2006

"I WILL NO LONGER BITE MY TONGUE, THAT SH!T HURTS"

Shai

Happy Holidays

Tho' I'm not much for the holidays, I went over my best friends house over the weekend and he snapped this photo - hope everyone have a safe Christmas, Hannakauh, Kwanzaa and a prosperous New Year!!!

baby powder

I embrace the unfamiliar like community liquor
shared over abandoned fire dwellings in creaky wooden shacks overlooking the James
left reality at the bottom on cognac bottles
fed my depression spirits that
kept my body warm on cold winter nights
this
is where I found you
meandering amidst the unknowns
casually as if you belonged
everyone there was Neil Armstrong’d in some form or another

visibly inebriated my soul recognized you instantly
no matter what the voices in my head told me
i followed you
down hallways
through the dining room
to the desolate presence of what could have been a living room
but nothing
was living
here
where lost souls convene for survival
here
where the stench of hopelessness grew thick as the hours pass
here
where the reality of our last days are more apparent
than anything Nostradamus ever predicted
here
at the resurrection of the great city known as Babylon

we all have drank from her cup
lost touch with the outside world
grasp at lies to make ourselves feel whole
without acknowledging life
embrace the unfamiliar
like community liquor
making it easier to swallow being a vagrant wandering
easier to deal with the sting of the alcohol than the overwhelming truth
that we
are ALL phucked up
yet
you found me
staring  with eyes like your father
twinkling with life I see my smile on your face
feel the tears that clean my dirt-strewn skin

i know you
are a apart of my hallucinate visions
but I need to see you
feel your touch
smell your hair
hear you speak my name in hushed tone voice

“Mama. . .”

i muffle my emotions when you tell me your brother
sends his love
he
would have been three
no matter how high I am medically
nothing is more sobering that dealing with the reality that
i chose to become executioner to the life that grew inside me
violated my body with pills, powder, liquor and smoke
choked the very blessing
i prayed for daily
never realizing it was through you i would be forgiven
it was through you my transgressions made clean
through you
my second chance to live would be reborn
instead i chose death
conveniently packaged for the living
a mindless escape
hoping
to find
eternity.

GOOD Chi

If you have ever read any books about Feng Shui then you would know that the ancient order of placement is all about good chi.
I’m so for GOOOD CHI, oooh chile I ain’t had no good chi in a long time. You know Big Momma, kept some good chi….

But let’s be real for a moment, I believe in the order of placement. I think that how things are situated around you have a lot to do with your mood or chi.  I think the same about the placement of people around you.  Think about you it when you go to a Drs. office and there are several patience already in the waiting area, how do you decide where you will sit. You decide what chair would be most comfortable, are you close to the magazines you will be flipping through while you wait, and who would you rather sit near. Proper placement. Being comfortable is important in life to most folks…but as I think about it. Being uncomfortable is probably the best motivator there is as we constantly seek comfort; in various people/things.

When I am at my part-time job (I work for a banking institution at night, encoding checks and deposit slips and such) I have a lot of time to think. Last night I was thinking about a myriad of things, more specifically about my life the things I have done and haven’t. I was thinking, I am dayum near 30, I do not own a home I should have paid for my car twice by now, just different things like that. There are so many things that I have a talent/skill/nack for but I am not using any of things for the betterment of my life.  

So with all those things said, I am organizing my thoughts and through proper placement of all the important nouns (people, places, & things) I will be doing the things I need to do to get what I want.

In those efforts, I anticipate gaining some strong powerful chi, that will not the block off some of yall sour puss folk that be sulking around me – skat back now – shooo, good and hot chi coming through….

~Shai “the chi-licious one”

in the darkness of the night

the moon lays peacefully on the cusp of the morning

basking in its glow

rest doesn’t come easy

I think about you

Imagining my hands being your hands

Exploring localities deemed as taboo

Seeking treasures buried

Waiting to be uncovered

I take myself there

Wishing that it was you

Drifting to sleep slowly hoping to catch you in the honey pot

So I can taste each drop on your fingertips

I find brief moments of satisfaction

only leading to a stronger desire for passion sought

but at least for now

I can sleep

Guarding buried treasure

Until you can come

Discover

me

Is there something in the water?

as you see this beautiful picture of black love, set in what I think is the Harlem Renny time, you think - what's in the water. (sidenote: I have been slackin on my journals because I've been working like a slave) I have several thoughts for my various blogs but have yet to expound on them. So I will start with this one...

is it JUST ME or is there something in the water? Seem like since my x-finance (spelled it that way on purpose) and I broke up it seems like every MAN I meet almost immediately begins to talk about marriage and a future. Although this is exactly what I want, it is spooky that these men are so easily and readily discussing the facts. I entertain them slightly but give most of them no real thought. I figure this is "game" as I approach the age of 30, the tatics of men change. So I must arm myself accordingly. *Wonder Woman bangles - ching - ching *

I learn so much more about myself as each year passes.
I wonder tho' when will WE (every living person) learn who they are be happy with that and thrive? *sigh* back to the topic at hand...

Most of these men look at me cross-eyed when I don't gush over their suggesting marriage to me. I know I'm marriage material I don't need them telling me that, they should have SEEN that years ago (can we say 2002? 2003?) SO no I will not JUMP at their suggestion even if it is complete with enough bling to blind me. I don't like the thought that I am a grudge holder, but SERVES 'EM RIGHT!! They have lived thier life the way they want - spent thier 20's chasing skirts, bearing children with various women, and breakin' hearts - and NOW wanna settle down. . .ahaha!! Needless to say the pool of eligible women, are either gay, dead, or in jail (lol - I shouldn't be laughing at this but ummm Lamar Hill has a poem that says this very same statement, yall should peep him) NE who - so it seems that the Men in the year of 2005 are doing a lil role changing and they are having a hard time finding a good woman..... hey we are not missing, we are just NOT readily available. (am I venting and rambling? prolly but its my blog!!!)

my suggestion to these men who are drinking this marriage inspired water...

1) strengthen your spiritual relationship
2) strengthen your mental
3) practice patience
4) bring more to the table than your good looks, good d!ck, and bad @$$ kids!
5) don't think you are the BEST she can do, know that you are blessed to have possibly found your "rib"(
6) build a friendship first (I can't say this enough)

So to those fellas who have come at me with the "marriage" game spewing out of their pie holds: although marriage is one of the destinations I plan to go to in life, my boarding pass right now is for loving me, cherishing me, and learning me!!
Yall may wanna get some Figi bottled water since its what Diddy drinks and he's not married yet.

I don't have all the answers, but I'm working on it!

~Shai

TAB.....

That is what they call me!

Conversations about

Yesterday a friend of mine I used to date was talking to me about the Tyra Banks show and how she dressed up as a 350 lbs woman and went on two blind dates.  To show how people treat overweight/large/obese folks. I didn’t see this episode, tho’ I tried to look it up online (I didn’t try that hard I was half sleep when I got off work)

He then commenced to ask me did I ever feel uncomfortable because of my size or if he had ever made me feel uncomfortable about it. Yanno that was the FIRST time we ever talked about it. Although I’ve been obvious a big girl for quite sometime; we never really talked about it…it sparked some thoughts tho. Just about my life growing up and my confidence. I started rambling on and on about how I dealt with being bigger as a teenager and young adult.

I really had sumfin I wanted to say about this topic – but I am so phreakin’ sleepy damn damn damn my part-time job…but yea’ when I get my check – I’ll be dancing like James Brown I got 15 hours already and its not even a week yet….

Back to my rant about being full-figured; I know it’s something that used to bother me greatly as a teenager. My Mom could always tell when I had a new crush – I’d be up extra early working out with, what is that ladies name? She’s always smiling and ish with blonde hair – dang it I am mad I can’t remember anyways…My Dad had some discouraging names he would call me – yanno back then folks thought they teased you enough you’d change….that works for some ppl and for others it doesn’t I guess. Being full-figured is just one aspect of who I am…through it all I am still loved and I am still blessed. Goal One is just to be healthy.  (DENISE AUSTIN!! That’s her name!!) I mean if we all were the same weight, height, shape – we’d be really BORING.  While we are on this topic – Saturday I was admiring myself in the mirror – I LOVE ME – I feel like I am getting more fabulous with age. I can’t explain it – its like I’m growing into my beauty (I am sure I’ve said this before it feels familiar) but that’s how I’ve been feeling… oh yea’ its interesting how the entire time we’ve been talking 8 years to date, we’ve never really talked about that – and it actually makes me smile to think that my radiant personality and beautiful smile kept that from being a topic – I mean it was so unimportant compared to the rest of me…*hehehe* oh yea I have another topic I need to hit this week too. . . but maybe I’ll put that on my yahoo blog…



Wasn’t it Eleanor Roosevelt who said, ”No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

So I haven’t been giving any consent out in the past and don’t plan on giving any out in the future – LOVE ME DAMMIT!!!

~Shai

Reason Season Lifetime

Reason, Season, Lifetime

I haven’t been ignoring my blog on purpose
I’ve been working hard and really haven’t had anything of “substance” or “interest” atleast to me to say. Lately tho’ I have been thinking about the whole people in your life for a reason thang…thinking about the people who have a daily affect on me. In some ways I have been waiting on God to remove some folks from my life. I guess he’s waitin on me to act like I want them removed…who knows…I am in the shut down mode (as usual for the cold months) where I limited my local social activities. It’s my cyclical season I suppose.  I just get this way from time to time….

I guess I’ll have more to write later…

love shai – the recluse

several personalities but only ONE woman

I am TIRED and yes I can't believe I am awake either.
Just wanted to post this pic from the Masquerade Housewarming I attended as well as helped set up.

I was fun playing the role of celebrity...

but now its back to the grind!!!

"Bouncy" aka Shai

Sushi

Today I’m feeling raw with emotions
So sensitive that it’s sickening
Often times I ask myself why did God make me a woman?
My emotions rule my body
I hate it
Moods dictate the day’s productivity and I act as though the sun rises and sets on my behind at times.

Today.

Today I’m feeling raw
Emotions, thoughts, ideas are busting at the seams of my heart/mind/soul and I don’t know what to make of it. I just know that God is moving daily even when I don’t acknowledge Big G like I should he keeps looking out for me…Thank You!

ASHE!

Listening to this Dwele CD I got from Blasian last night….its so on time. I mean I’m still feeling raw and yes I’m on some “phuck da world don’t ask me for ish” type stuff (oh yea and I can talk about Big G and cuss in the same paragraph and/or thought cuz we go back like dat, don’t be mad you can’t) But its like I don’t know, I’m a complex individual who wants to be heard over the chaos of the world. . .like a kid pouting for some cookies while his Mama trying to pay a bill or go through the check out line at Safeway. . . sidenote: how do Mama’s learn to tune they kids out anyways…..

I just want to start today over, because today is just *ugh*
Hopefully tomorrow will be much better on a semi-lighter note. I have been writing more not completing anything but at least starting the thought process….until later I am

RAW

Raw like Eddie Murphy in tight purple pants
Raw like Samantha Raheem who is human w/o excuses
Raw like Sushi……

Konichiwa!

This is how I be feeling sometimes.....but I then remind myself
I be like:

SELF - your name is LOVE so do YOU suck??

~love shai~

When two becomes one...

….this weekend would have been my wedding weekend

So it’s raining here and I’m thinking to myself…wow this would have been the night of the rehearsal dinner. They calling for rain tomorrow, wow – rain on my wedding day I would have been crying for days. GOOD THING – we broke up! As far as the relationship goes I feel real indifferent about it. I mean I’m happy to be single to be able to do whatever I want without having to take into consideration someone else’s feelings. At the same time tho’ I’m bothered that I thought that this was it, that WE would be able to work things out. Because aside from the issues we both had e’rything was lovely. We’d laugh and have fun together….he was insecure and possessive. I was tired of looking at the same four walls e’ryday I wanted to be social. We are from different social classes but I figure that shouldn’t make a difference. In the truth of it all – it does make a difference.  Even tho’ I can run in any circle and find a level of comfort, he couldn’t. So my bourgeois friends/co-workers would often times make him feel uncomfortable….


during happier times, even tho - those times weren't really THAT happy



When we first broke up I was SO anti-love. Especially around valentine’s I bahum bugged e’rything. Then I started dating someone else with the strict stipulation that I wasn’t looking to be in a “relationship”; then ENDED up in one. Allowed things to go haywire – ended that – and just fell into another situation, that I put the brakes on real quick. I’m looking at this snowball effect of it all….and right now I’m feeling like ITS WHATEVA. Just doing me and having fun and if that means breaking a few hearts or hurting some feelings then - OH well; now I know that doesn’t sound positive at all….but what else do I do?  Sulk in the house eating cookie and cream ice cream like my mind gone bad? Or enjoy this life while I’m here?

I CHOOSE LIFE.

Some people seem to think I’m too picky, but when I get married it’s for keeps. I don’t believe in divorce. I believe in DEATH do us part, yes DEATH. (Take that how you want to) Both sets of my grandparents are still married. I want to have that long time love….I want or need someone who’s willing to work as hard as I do or harder. Ya feel me? Compliment me on all levels and I do the same. Open lines of communications and able to let me be me – I’m a complicated woman. Probably more complicated than most its going to take a special person to be able to adapt to me…I was told yesterday I was a FREE SPIRIT doesn’t that sound like free alcohol? *giggle*

I have had my moment of reflecting and I’ve mourn what could have been…now its time for FUN!!

Where the party at?

Sweet Lie

swallowed the lie
when you told me you loved me
and I allowed it to fester in my body
grow slowly
thought
I had digested it
but it only grew
swore that I swallowed it
passed it with the rest of the sh*t
you told me
but obviously
I didn’t
held on to it as if the slightest
bit of truth that was dwelling with in
and it would keep me from
the reality
that you don’t love me
and this...
...was just a fleeting moment

Blurred vision

I guess I got a theme going on with this Cloudy Water and Blurred Vision I guess next will be Stuffy Nose, Scratchy Throat, and Itchy Butt? *giggle* at any rate, today’s topic has to do with people misrepresenting themselves.  In recent events, someone I had been going out with seriously misrepresented himself. Making me believe that he was hard-working, God-fearing, and a concrete person; I know that no one is perfect. I am Miss-Imperfect living in an imperfect world seeking perfection in my walk…. However, I TRY (notice I said try, because I’m sure I may have faltered in some situations) to always put the REAL me on front street, in dealing with relationships. You know we have to wear masks in the workplace – but that’s for another blog entry.  I let folks know from the gate – or at least I try to – depending on the situation and their purpose; know who I am what I am about and my background. I am just …. Disappointed that he felt the need to mislead me, and I don’t understand what I do to make men want to be someone they aren’t. I mean do I really come off as the type of person who doesn’t respect other folk’s thoughts, ideas, and lifestyle choices? I mean really – I’m a poet – I am supposed to be open minded.

With this said….
Have you ever found yourself hiding your true self from people?
Why? Do you think that you would not be able to do the things you do or get away with whatever you get away with being yourself? Do you think there’s a fine line between being real and being rude?

Like I said before I try to be me at all times.
But I know I’ve found myself in situations over these last 29 years of my life, where I can’t be myself. Not saying that being me would change things. Just that some other persona takes over. I can’t explain it. But I just hope that I will be able to hinder her poppin’ up in the future and just BE me. .. .smart, funny, intelligent, beautiful, and genuine.

“Mike Jones”
“WHO?”
“Mikes JONES!”

~Shai~

Cloudy Waters

Cloudy Waters….     

Things cloud my mind often and sometimes my judgment. But I press on. Sometimes, I sit back well lots of times I sit back and I think….if things were different where would I be. I cannot go back and do things over, so I have to work with what I have.  But anyways….

It bothers me that folks can look at your life and try to tell you where you need to go or what you need to do.  Now mind you a lil nudging advice is cool. But for people to downright JUDGE your situation and circumstance as if they are in a place to do so is down right WRONG. I try; really I do try, to keep my own opinions to myself. Because I am not innocent of the judging at all, however as I have become older and have had life experiences I have learned that when you are someone’s friend – it doesn’t give you the permission to be rude (as Nadine would say).  You can say things in love without tearing someone else down. Or at least, be humble enough to say “I too have found myself in this situation however, blah blah blah” this would lead the person to believe that you are not “judging” them but you are empathizing with their situation.

I say these things to say, that I ask God daily to help me hold my tongue.  The tongue is the most powerful weapon we have and I try to use it for good not evil. But it’s SO hard when my temper flares like bull nostrils at a bull fight.  I get this anger from my Dad’s people, I can admit that.  But I get my silence from my Mom’s folks and yanno sometimes the silence is unhealthy, because it can lead you to POP at any minute. Now after saying that I ask you…

Have you ever found yourself in a place where you were unjustly judged? Have you judged someone without thinking that it’s more of a hindrance more than help? What have you done to release good karma?

~Shai

If you crying what the baby gone do?

If you crying, what the baby gone do?

Listening to: Touch the Sky Mix CD (cop dat cop dat, mixed by URs truly)
Location: at the J-OB be eazzzzeeeee
Mood: sweeter than the first kiss on a nice Friday evening in amidst of our Indian Summer


Today is Wet Wednesday, it’s rainy and gloomy. So why do you ask am I cheery and happy. I’m here in the land of the living God what other reason would I be to be happy. I have another day to do what I’m here for.  But enough of that . . . let’s get to the meat of this blog today.

Yanno I have been riding the relationship roller coasted for the past I’ll say 3 years now. Up and down around and back. Mind you I HATE ROLLER COASTERS literally; I have a fear of ‘em. But it doesn’t stop me from jumping from one ship to the next. I call it “the meantime” ride.  But most of the time I fall right back where I hadn’t intended, committed to someone who either isn’t really ready for it or just don’t do it for me in all the ways I need it. I need TP, no not toilet paper, the TOTAL PACKAGE. Now some may say – hey you better take what you can get because e’ryone doesn’t have a body like TO and a face like Boris and a mind like Cornell and bank like Jordan you just not gonna find that.  Hey, now those things are nice but they don’t make up my check list (checklist coming if ya interested) of what I want and need in a helpmate; either way, NOW it’s not my focus. Even if temptation comes along they are just going to have to be able to wait, because I got SOMETHINGS I need to do for me, ya feel me?

I say that to say this (yea’ I took your phrase and what?) First things first, that’s where we’ve been getting it all wrong. We aren’t putting first things first.  Yanno I have a few nice things and my life is pretty nice in comparison to some folk. I have a place to call home, food in the fridge, car with gas in it, clothes in my closet, family who loves me, and friends who adore me no matter how scatter-brained I can be.  These things some people may envy.  But don’t allow my shine to make you go blind! I feel like because if your (and I’m speaking in generalities but really about sweetn’lo) ish isn’t together don’t put your lack of initiative on me. Don’t pout and whine and complain that you need someone to help you do this that and the third. Now mind you there are plently of things that we need help with. Most of the stuff that I have acquired didn’t come from just me alone, BIG G had lots to do with it along with those people he sent me on the way.  I say that to say this (I did it again – hehehe) FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS DEAD, peep the book of James its all there.  How long will you sit on your duff, with your head under the sand, pouting because you were dealt a bad hand? As the title says; “waa waa waa” if you crying what the baby gone do…

Here’s a tissue for your issues…
Wipe them eyes and let’s crack them knuckles and get to work…

~Shai

“I gotta testify, come up in the spot looking extra fly – fo da day I die Imma touch the sky!” – Kanye West

Salt of the Earth

Its been over a week since my last blog entry. I just haven’t had the energy for it. Sunday I was at the computer and had time to write something but I wasn’t really sure what to write or what really was important enough to address in a blog (like something has to have a level of importance to write about it?!?)

I went to Church on Sunday, trying to strengthen and straighten my walk in Christ. It was truly a blessed service. We read Genesis 39 – and discussed Favor. It was soooooooo good. I felt blessed from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. As usual the service spoke to me; I have yet to attend service and couldn’t get anything from it. I LOVE IT!

It’s so hard for me sometimes to let go of my strength and show my vulnerable side, if that makes sense. It’s obvious to me that I’m not strong, but I front like I am.  I can’t let anyone know how emotional I really am, and it seems the harder I try to hide it the more it shows.  I’m trying hard to lean on Big G, because that’s what we are supposed to do – I think this Independent Woman thing (Question! Tell me whatcha feel about….okay quick DC moment) like I was saying this whole I am a Woman and I can take care of myself I don’t need your help – is more of a hindrance than anything.  I don’t want to play the role of Damsel in Distress it’s like where is the GRAY area!!!! But here’s my problem I HAVE NO GRAY AREAS!!!! *arrggh* I am either handling business on my own – or I’m leaning. I hate depending on other people for things. I want to do it all on my own. I will too, do it all on my own one day. Just me and Big G – rolling hard like two kids skippin school to go to the mall….

The older I get the more I realize how spoiled I really am and even tho’ I’ve learned to “make do” with what I have, I always want and desire more.  Even still it amazes me how Daniel has so much to do with the woman I’ve become. I wonder, who I would be if I had never met him or at least never given him my number; what year was that, 1992 – wow – a million years ago. Growing up a young, vibrant teen-ager, I was flirt, I smiled a lot, lived care-free, I was rough around the edges, not girly AT ALL, okay maybe slightly but not really. I can’t believe at the age of 16 I let him “mold” me – ewwww he was a PIMP. Dang it!!!

Here’s a Question

How do you shed 13 years of molding? How do you find yourself under all the pain and hurt that altered your behavior, your way of thinking, your life? (okay how did I get here, I thought I was going to talk about being the salt of the earth?)Even tho’ quite a bit of who I am has changed in the years, I am eagerly seeking the woman I was before. The sassy independent chica who took no ish; where did she go?

As much as I say that I’m so much like my Mother, I see my Father in me as well. I get in the moods where I just don’t want to be bothered with people. I just wanna close myself up in the house and just BE. I miss that. I missed the times when folks weren’t thinking about me, wanting me to go to parties with them or the next big event in town. When I used to come home from work, watch Law and Order, eat Chinese, get to know myself, and go to bed.  Those were the times. WHEN WILL I GET MY OWN HOUSE???????

This is why I’m working part-time – to get my ISH together….

Okay – so I did ramble today – SO it’s my blog….
*poking tongue out*

I WANT FAVOR – I WANT TO BE THE SALT OF THE EARTH, give the world FLAVA!

~Shai

Shaky foundation

Listening to: Tonex (gospel station on yahoo launchcast)
Location: at work
Mood: reflecting….

Everything in life has some sort of foundation. At least everything stable has a foundation. Houses, Cars, Computers, Make-Up…..RELATIONSHIPS! If the foundation is weak the rest of it will be faulty also. I say this to say that I’ve found that my previous relationships (not just romantic, but friendships as well) have all stood up to that policy. When you have a friendship/relationship with a STRONG foundation it weathers ALL storms. I got only a handful of friends who I can say stood the test of time – my cousin Ebony probably being the one who stands out amongst them all. We’ve been friends since I was in 3rd grade. Believe that we have had our “outs” and we’ve had growing pains. As adults although both of our lives have deviated from the paths we took together, we can always come back to what we once had. I have realized in the 29th year of my birth, that friendships are SO important. Its one thing to know they are important it’s another to KNOW they are important and to cherish what you have, show appreciation and do what you can. Make sacrifices for people who would without quorum make those same sacrifices. It’s not to say do things for people and expect anything in return. We do what we want to do. But we also do things to show appreciation. Does that make sense? Normally Imma love me or leave me alone type of person.  I love with my whole heart but in the same breath I have/had a tendency to see how this situation will benefit me and treat it accordingly. I’ll walk away from a relationship with the quickness. I think I’ve taken a few of my friends/relationships for granted with this attitude. TODAY IS A NEW DAY. I started it by telling my cousin I love her. I do. I appreciate her heart – it loves unconditionally. That’s a true friend.

this is ebony below


  

This brings me to the abrupt end of my dating my friend from Baltimore. Things fall apart. What more can I say. It seems as tho’ he says one thing (I won’t beg you to be with me) but then says another (but I don’t see why we can’t work this out). I wasted 12 years of my life putting faith in someone who I thought was on the same page with me. Someone who I thought shared the same convictions the same beliefs someone who I thought was built for me.  In thinking about it now, our foundation was faulty….and such things do, fall apart.

I implore you, if you cherish a relationship, a friendship, something that you have taken for granted make sure that you show your appreciation. It doesn’t mean shower someone with gifts just let them know how important they are. Send them an e-greeting or a hallmark card, make them gifts from hand if you want, write them a poem, or sing them a song. DO SOMETHING!! Look at your relationships – do they have a strong foundation? If not – they will soon fall….sometimes things must be destroyed in order to rebuild them…..with that said look at yourself (as I have been taking inventory myself) destroy the things of you that are not positive, uplift, not Christ-like, and rebuild a stronger foundation….its never too late…

With that I say

ASHE

Be blessed.

Shai


Feed me the breadth of knowledge of the WORD
And I shall grow full, never to hunger for or need anything more

"You do You and I'll do Me" - Sunshine Anderson

I've been MIA....took a part time job at nights so its like where's the time
listening to: the new music I got from my cousin Ebony
location: at work
mood: chill

I don't have much to say today - I'm doing me
single sexy and free - AGAIN - but its all good
Went out wit my best friend Tony on Friday....we had a decent evening
see pic below



its Monday - what more can we say?
Hopefully I'll be able to post now once a week on either Saturday or Sunday...
what's really good with folks - if ya reading this drop me an email or post a comment. . ....

Distractions distract from the Actions you lack to move on with. . .

listening to: Taralyn Ramsey Fan Station on Yahoo Launchcast
location: at work (shhh don't tell ne one)
mood: content

as I have become older I have noticed a lot of different things about my personality. Its interesting as I "get to know myself" that I am able to share my lil "quirks" with other people.  I feel like I’m growing into my beauty . . . does that sound funny? Hopefully I’ll take some pictures soon to share…

any who so I’ve been in constant search the past 3 weeks or so for a distraction. My current situation has gone from good to bad, and so I needed something to get my mind off that. Needless to say I had a distraction call me up on Thursday! Yea!! In retrospect, although this distractions is helping me keep my mind off the craziness of my pseudo-relationship, its also keeping me from handling that situation and being done with it.. .

anyways… off to the weekend

We are not meant to be alone

I think that sometimes we create ideas, theories, and hypothesis to make ourselves feel better about our situation. I had a thought bubble last night on my way home from work. In speaking with a few of my girlfriends from college, high school, co-workers and such most of us Women have the same desire; to find the “one” to marry, to have children, etc.  Many of us say that these things are not what define us and we do not need them to be whole. But as I was thinking about it, I beg to differ. We do need companionship to be whole.  I often rationalize the male/female ratio to why everyone doesn’t marry or have a significant other. (Again a theory as to the why’s) I have decided today – to stop questioning that. I know my value and my worth – it is not in my time when I will marry and have children (is that another theory I hear?).  At any rate, my theory is that we, women were created from the rib of man, as such Men are missing something important within themselves…women. I think when a man finds a woman who completes him on all levels he has then found his rib. We are puzzle pieces that alone are obscure but together create a picture worth staring at.  With all that said, I believe that we (humankind) are not meant to be alone. I cannot fathom that our Creator would create us in him image and then expect us to live a life of a recluse.  I do not think or at least I do not theorize that means everyone will marry, but I do not think everyone is meant to live their lives without a companion of some sort. Okay – I think I’m rambling or sumfin perhaps I should have written this yesterday when I had this wonderous thought bubble. . .

~shai~

My Mother In the Mirror

Saturday my sista roller set my hair. I should have taken some pictures because of course I slept on it and squished one side so its not as CUTE as it was Saturday. At anyrate, I looked in the mirror and I saw my Mother. Now normally I'd be sicken at that thought. Its not that I don't love my Mother. I love her dearly. If it hadn't be for her and GOD and yeah my dad I wouldn't be here. But when I looked in the mirror I remember when I was seven years old. I remember my Mother wearing her hair similar to this. I remember the shine in her eyes and her bright warm smile. My Mother and I have had a strained relationship for years. I don't think I can remember a time after I got my first menstrual cycle that we ever got along. When my parents divorced its got worse. I think constantly I fought with my Mother mentally because of my parents split. I, the self-proclaimed "Daddy's Girl" blamed her for everything. Once the split was permanent I looked at the way she handled her relationships there after, I swore to myself I would NEVER be like my Mother. NEVER, ever. What's the phrase, "never say never"? Well that couldn't be further from the truth. Because I have embodied so many of my Mother's characteristics and behaviors I am almost ashamed to admit them. Its weird how we can acknowledge the cycle and the desire to break it, yet we roll on anyway. So These thoughts and/or revelations that I have been having not only about my Mother but about my Mother's side of the family in general, have given me a new appreciation for them. The women on my Mother's side of the family - all single - all previously married are strong. A strength I probably never really noticed as child or a teenager. We place so much emphasis on having men in our lives (we as women) that I think we lose our own strength in that. My Mother and her sisters, although I'm sure they all want Cinderella happiness and glory they; Dawn, Colleen, and Evelyn, are beautiful, smart, and strong w/o it. So I pledge to carry on the strength of the Charity women along with the Charisma of the Cotman family(my father's ppl) with hopes that the cycle that's been created - these single strong women w/o men to head the homes to be broken with myself, Lisa, Lenora, Melissa, and Arese. I love my Mother and my Aunties very much. I hope that I can be just as half as strong as they are and when I do have children that I can teach them to be just as strong as me. I know the importance of family, the importance of the trinity in the home God, Husband & Wife. My parents raised me well, mind you I didn't have a story book life by far - but there's no need to complain for had it not been for the struggles that lead me here, God where would I be? I thank God for the struggles, the pain, the heartbreak, the times when we were on gov't assistance, the times when I had no mode of transportation, the times when my love and trust were taken for granted, the times when I had no friends to support me, I thank him for all those things and those I didn't mention because as I said before they shaped and molded me into who I am now. Daughter, Sister, Niece, Aunt, Cousin, & Friend. Thank God for my Mother because I am her and she is me....

~shai~

Up Against All Odds

listening to: he can't love you - Jagged Edge
location: at work (shhhh don't tell anyone)
mood: Happy

So I am listening to yahoo launchcast and up against all odds by Tarralyn Ramsey come on. I LOVE THAT SONG! It makes me look back on my life and think about the decisions I have made that led me here. I dont regret ANYTHING. At least that is the revelation that has hit me today. (sidenote: I spoke to u know who online today but didnt have it in me to say much more) Im sure if you asked me anytime before now and Id probably regret many things. But no sense in rehashing the past, what will that do for my future? Knowing my past and learning from that is one thing but to live there would be a waste of time and energy. With all that bunch of nothing said, I say this Thank God I have my memory and a few pictures to help me treasure my happy times and my not so happy times. This is the only life I have as Tabatha Ann CXXXXX, in my next life I may be a monkey flinging poo at the Bronx Zoo. So Im just going to live.

Lets talk about these people in NaLeans. WOW. Its sad to see all this going on. I wish I could do something other than give money. I want to help clean up and rebuild and restore. See this is the time when hitting the lottery would come in handy for me. Then I wouldnt have to work and I could be a philanthropist. The price of gas is ridiculous too, but who doesnt already know that?! I just sit back and look in amazement. Ive looked for alternative ways to work and havent found any so far outside of biking or walking. But I live cross de riva. . . I cant see myself biking or walking over a bridge seems a bit frightful. I know that doesnt make sense because I drive my car over it. But Im clumsy I may trip over my feel and fall over the rail or lose control over the bike and get hit by on coming motorist. Ive applied for a night job at a local banking institution so hopefully Ill be getting that job and making some extra peanuts to put towards my petrol.

Oooh Emotional by Carl Thomas just came on. BOY O BOY. They are JAMMIN on launchcast today I SWEAR.

I really dont have too much more to write today. Things in my world are beautiful. Im not saying my life is in no way shape or form perfect. But something changed or happened to me in June which just made me a different person. Mind you Im still moody and spoiled but I dont complain as much, I dont worry as much, its just this unfailing light thats growing inside me lately I like it. . . its kinda warm and fuzzy and tastes like a mimosa from the Sheraton Sunday brunch. *giggle*

Hopefully Ill have time tomorrow to write in the blog at the normal blog time. If not this extra blogging fill the criteria as my three times a week critieria.

up against all odds, we were going up against all odds, trusting and believing in the miracle of love - Tarralyn Ramsey

~shai~

small sacrifices for the greater good

listening: Be Happy - Mary J Blige (our fave)
location: I think I should just not include this anymore I'm always home
mood: peace, surprisingly


"...even though I wasn’t there to hold your hand
or take your love from her
still
I remained an issue
Constantly served on the same plate along with previous females
who shared intimate moments with you..." - excerpt from Shai's Quietness

so its Wednesday since its 12 sumfin in the morning. I just finished writing something real real personal. So I'm trying to decide if that's what my blog should be about today or not. But I guess I already made that decision by quoting the poem and the title. So how should I put this. . . I don't know. Once upon a time a girl met a boy - she fell in love wit him and he her. Eventually they realized that although their love was strong it wasn't strong enough to extend over the distance they were apart as they both NEEDED physical affection along with mental/emotional. Other changes came into play. She(meaning I) tried to hate him but it didn't work. She put on a real good front for everyone - even for him at times. But it was constantly knocked down by the fact that their bond was spiritual. SO NOW - he has a "friend" whom isn't too keen no our friendship because of our past history. I understand how she feels - hell if I was her I'd feel the same way. So he and I are on hiatus as far as our friendship is concerned. That troubles me because I have finally been able to come to grips with our friendship and the lines and boundaries that should be placed there. Finally I am able to be HIS FRIEND and not get my feelings hurt at the mere thought of him going on with his life. FINALLY. Let's EXHALE for me please - - ahhhhhh. But now, now he had to make the decision - keep our friendship intact or work on building with a woman who could very well share his last name in the future. . . alas I feel like the white dude at the 68 Olympics - there in the picture but completely oblivious to the history being made. . . I digress. So now as I read over this and think. . . I thank GOD for the strides I've made with that. I never thought I'd be able to be his friend his true friend...not someone harboring feelings and living each day with ulterior motives (did I spell that right?) THANK YOU JESUS for setting me FREE!!

if anyone wants to see or hear the entire poem - hit me up with an email and I'll bless you wit that...

always learning and growing
the muse formerly known as Shai

learn to keep your mouth shut...

listening: a/c unit blasting
location: home, where else I'm broke?
mood: indifferent

I told myself I was going to write on this blog 3 times a week, MWF. That way I don't ignore it or myself. As writing has always been therapuetic for me. Today's thought bubble is learning when to be quiet or SHUT YO' DAMN MOUTH! I will only speak for myself. I am like a light switch. Either I'm on or I'm off. I am NEVER EVER in the middle. Anytimes you may catch me dimming is when I'm trying to stay neutral. But know that I am always one way or the other. Left or right, hot or cold, black or white, pork or beans, spic or span. Never both. So today I implore you to search yourselves and ask yourself, has there EVER been a time when I said "self, SHUT UP!"? Then say - "Did I indeed shut up?". I say all these things to say this, a very good friend of mine said that sometimes we as women analyze too much we question too much instead of just going with the flow. . .and far be it for me to argue. I always analyze it helps when making decisions - and I can tell you this I AM TIRED OF DATING!!!! I hate abiding by rules, I hate wondering what the other person is thinking or feeling, I hate guessing. I'd rather say hey this is how I feel DEAL WITH IT. . . .okay so the spoiled side of me is out today....perhaps I'll be back later to write more...loving me maybe a lil too much

~Shai

Back then they didn't want me. . . .

music: I ain't got nothing (On the Grind) - David Banner
location: H to the izz O (mi casa)
mood: doing the back stroke in thought waters

So I'm chillin like a villian in my b-boy stance, clockin' all the honeys as they pass. . .. yea' I'm trippin' At anyrate - I was watching the Bakwoodz video "You're gonna love me" and the dude was talking about back in the day the women used to treat him like Urkel the Nerd but now they flock when they see his Lebrons(?) on the curb. This made me think of the ingenious Mike Jones "Back Then" song and as my mind started to add links to the chain "clink clink" I was thinking why is it that some women determine a man's worth by his bank? Why is it that some women would only date men who either have a real good job or work the street corners well. "clink clink" Back then they didn't want me now I'm hot they all on me MIKE JONES "clink clink" Back then women were domesticated. We didn't work outside of the home, we had children and kept the home clean and depended financially solely on the man to provide. I think that these deeper rooted issues that some women have with not being totally independent may seep back to those times. Helllll let's go even further back "clink clink" to days of men living in caves as many scientist/anthropologist or whatever other ist claim to have happened. Men selected their mates by their abilities to have children, where did the term "child bearing hips" come from? Also their beauty played a role as they would want beautiful children. Same with women, we selected men by how they can provide for the home, is he strong? how much antelope did he kill this week? does he keep nice furs(lol) "clink clink". I believe that these ways of choosing a mate transcended into our culture now - however as times change and roles change not always do our mind set. As we add in the changes Women's Rights, equal pay for equal work, affirmative action and the like I believe that we as women play a role into what men deem as important and how to attract and keep a woman."clink clink" Its funny I think this topic is deep and there's NO WAY I can convey ALL that I think and feel about it in one journal entry. However, I will say this. . . there are too many MEN who do not work, who do not take care of their children, who do not take care of themselves and I think that this is in part where some women have coddled them. As we now can go out of the home and often times have made more money and have made ourselves so independent that men are insecure. This is not an excuse by far. I believe that EVERYTHING starts at home if we as children have proper role models and a good foundation - we will learn that if you don't work ya don't eat (as my Daddy used to tell us). I feel like I'm rambling on and away from the topic. Unfortunately some women have taken advantage of some men's good fortune and have made them rather pimp women who have their own baggage and insecurities. This leads to "pimpin" being a Pop Culture phrase of acceptance "clink clink" so who am I blaming for men wanting all these flashy things and women with no good home training succumbing to illicit behaviors so that they too can "bling bling". . . .no one really - I'm just thinking HOW can we FIX IT? There's nothing we can do with these adults, sad to say but its true. The only thing we can do is instill good habits and practices in our children. Teach them what's right and what's wrong and pray to God that these things will stick with them through out life. "clink clink" Me, Myself? It would be nice to have a man who banks 100,000 a year and has a fleet of cars, and houses and can travel the world. . . but I'm a simple woman and I enjoy simple things. I'd rather have a man who I can build wealth with than have a man who's extremely wealthy and expects me to be his play thing. I have no problem being Holly Homemaker and accepting the roles that come with that, but by no means will I become the VIDEO VIXEN. "CLINK CLINK"

Content with who I am

music: new Vivian Green CD
location: at the hizzle (at home)
mood: happy

Today was a MONDAY typical in that I got up to go to work and came home. These last past eight months have been - different for the lack of a better word. I've been engaged, single, and spoken for all in the course of these eight months. I've been completely alcohol free to stumbling down the stairs of a local club to fall into the arms of a chocolate teddy bear. I've been homey in sweats with my hair all over the place - I've been glammed up and definitely the one who stood out in a crowd of my peers. My heart has been warm with love like hot apple pie from Grandma's kitchen and colder than ice pops in Alaska only eager to feed my own wants, needs, and desires. Here I find myself back where I started from loving freely, wildly, and openly. I like this side of me. I love giving of myself until there is almost nothing left. Why? I have no clue but its who I am. I'd like to swim in this feeling, secure, safe, confident, knowing. . .questions. Am I perfect? No. Do I have it all together? No. More importantly do I love myself? YES. Do I have goals? YES. Am I focused - well I am a lil hazy but its all goooooood.
My friend Slim and I are doing well - AGAIN back where I wanted us to be from the beginning gushy with love and fresh with thoughts of tomorrow.
I've been reading the Video Vixen book. I swore I would NOT buy this book and add to this woman's wealth - cuz I'M BROKE and her she gets MORE money for telling people how many folk she slept with. Now I am going to be honest - my heart goes out to her for having such a hard life. My life was no where near as HARD as hers. I can't judge her because I've done some things I am not too PROUD of but I dunno I hope this book helps young girls in the same circumstance make better decisions. I'll let ya know what I really think when I am finished reading the book.
I took a mile walk today - only 15 mins and I actually sweated - boooo at me. Although I've always been a big gurl - I've normally been in "shape" for the most part. Meaning I had stamina and was active - in my 'old age' I have just dwiddled down to a couch potatoe!! OH NO! I will be 30 next year and I anticipate being back down to the size I was when I started college. Not that it was a svelte size or anything its much smaller than I am now. I just want to be healthy - I love being lovably big and always sexy even in my goofiness and silliness I've held some type of appeal. I can't explain it. But what I will call it is the Cotman Charm - because I swear its hereditary. My Grandfather, My Father, My Aunts, My Brother, My Cousin, Joi and wow ME!! Anyway I'm rambling now. . . . there's the update - I'm happy today and thankful for what I've been given...

relationships, split personalities, PUT GOD FIRST

music: listening to "the roots - you got me"
location:chillin at home
mood: I love me some me

I rearranged my bedroom because I need a change
plus its apart of my let's get organized mission

Recently I've been dealing with some trust issues in my new relationship. More of my issue than his. However, I've allowed other peoples perception to alter my own. Now in my heart - the trust is still there strong, in my mind is a different story. So I am at the point where I need to refocus and adjust my mental.

most of the times I'm pleasant and giggly. however as of late i've been moody and have my "inspecta gadget" shoes on. I am so ready for just a CHANGE. I am ready for a new career move, something BIG to happen with my writing, I'm just READY!!! oh yeah and a side note: HATING @$$ B*TCHES NEED TO JUST CLEAN THEIR HOUSE BEFORE THEY START RUNNING THEIR WHITE GLOVED FINGERS THROUGH MINE!!! (can you say bi-polar? that's that split personality stuff I've been tellin ya about)

I pray daily. I don't like when I get off my prayer flow. I know that you're asking yourself - wasn't she just cussing up a storm a few lines up? Yes I was. . .and? My relationship with G.O.D is mine - NE wayz like I was saying when my focus was there before this week e'rything was straight. I wasn't stressing about anything my focus was clear...when I pray I have a sense of calm over me. At anyrate I read Psalms 51 today and it clearly spoke to me. So peep that out yall. . .

loving life because I am a child of God. . .

~Shai

trust, do you have to earn it?

So I’m in a relationship . . . whoohoo?!? I went out this weekend with my friends. My “boo” went home to B-More to a wedding. One of my friends was like how do you know he doesn’t have a girl up there? I don’t. Aren’t you worried if he doesn’t call? Blah blah blah. Now normally I’d probably be bugging. I mean most women do, communication is such a BIG part of a relationship. But I don’t know I am at a point in my life where you got to love me or leave me alone. I don’t have the energy to play inspector gadget and hell I’m not trying to account for every minute of my day to someone – so why would I expect them to do the same? Although I do miss my "boo"; I’m trying not to allow the suspicions of my “friends” to rile me up. I must admit, that during my clubbing and imbibing intoxicating drinks I found myself in a compromising position. Luckily my friends were there to chastise me and keep me in line, I guess. I’m not worried. It is what it is, life is, and I have to take each day as it comes. I had a good full weekend, I hope he did too. But I’m ready to get back to the every day of work and play. I trust him, with my heart and my life. I hope he trusts me too. I pray regularly. Probably more these past two days than before just because normally I’m not out like I was this weekend. At any rate, I wonder when we as a people will stop being so suspicious of one another. I think people cannot have healthy relationships because of the lack of trust. People are so afraid of being hurt and being played that they sabotage their own relationships. When will we just let go and let things be? I mean yeah – Karma what you do comes back to you – the circle never ends but I feel like let people live their lives. If we get hurt its only to teach us a lesson or build us up for the ultimate. (How will I truly know what joy feels like and appreciate it if I've never expierenced any pain?) Each day I’m building and preparing for the next, are you? I trust wholeheartedly until you give me reason not to. Anywaaaayz – I need to get some work done today… at peace on earth ~Shai

Restructuring the person you knew before

As of late I have been soooooo lazy and unmotivated. I am not sure exactly what the cause is, if there’s some spirit hindering me or a strong hold or what. At any rate, I am making a resolve to get it together. My Cousin and I are supposed to write out a budget to start following next month and get our exercising back up to par. I know that I need structure or my life is all willy nilly. This weekend I HOPE to be able to do those things (reorganize) however, I know it may be difficult. I have LOADS of things on my “to-do” list outside of what I need to do. Chillin’ with my boo, working on Saturday, going to a cookout then out with some of my peoples, churchin’ it up on Sunday and the Watermelon Festival in Carytown. I am going to be SO tired.

I want to do more things that I want to do. The other day my old college roommate Fionda asked me what would I want to do or what would be the ultimate job/career for me. My response:
I’d wanna do my own thing which would be a myriad of different stuff
all creative I’d love to be a photographer and a fashion designer
a writer of course do some freelancing for various newspapers, journals, and such be a mommy with like 3 kids and one on the way be all extra earthy
living in a nice bungalow or a circle shaped home built from the ground up
make my own soaps and stuff have a garden and just be relaxed all the time

So I am planning to take this make shift list that I created in the IM session with Fionda and outline my goals with it. I need to learn to sew and how to make soap (lol making soap). I’m going to get it together, next year I will be 30 and I am looking forward to living life the way the creator intended – happy and busy.

So I bind the spirit of laziness RIGHT NOW and loose productivity and prosperity!

ASHE!!

If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. . .

Often times we find something we love; whether it is music, food, clothes, weekly outing with friends or even a poetry venue. We love these things so much that we incorporate these things into our daily living. Until something changes and that thing that you once loved sooooo much becomes mundane and trite.
This often happens here in Richmond, with events. There’s a poetry spot that’s really hot and happening. Or atleast it used to be. Perhaps it still is. Either way, it was like my home away from home. I’d go weekly and even would hold charity spoken word samples at work for donations to get in if I had to. I went on a poetic sabbatical (I was boo’d up for about 2 years) – they say when you’re happy you can’t write. … that’s neither here nor there right now but I'll surely expound on that later. I hadn’t been to the spot in a WHILE. So I went for my birthday. Everything hasn’t changed per se a few things have the set up, the rules, the cover – but what I came for what I enjoyed what I CLAIMED TO BE MINE had changed, the “love” vibe was NOT the same. There was a National Spoken Word artist that came out (I peeped him in the corner of the room when I was performing) – he didn’t even GET ON THE MIC. When a poet who performs and sells product as their livelihood doesn’t perform at an open mic, you know “HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM”. Maybe I’m speculating. But recently a friend of a friend went there and it was his first time going. He didn’t really have a lot of nice things to say about it. He said the crowd seemed clique-ish. That doesn’t surprise me, that’s Richmond – people usually run in non-inclusive crews; yes even poetry crews. (Its probably like that everywhere) There’s mad hateration out here in the sticks. But it’s all good.

However with all that said, my question today is, how do we keep things from going stale? How do we grow and keep what brought people to the venue in the first place fresh?
Is there an expiration date on Venues and if so has anyone figured it out for Richmond? and has anyone been keeping up with Def Poetry Jam? Have they ran out of poets?

But I’ve always heard, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it – can someone please bring back the Old Soul that fed me sufficiently?

~Shai (looking back to the past so I can move easily in the future)

Its been a long time I shouldn't have left you. . .

with out a few words or something. I haven't been on vacation or anything. Just haven't been writing much. SOOO much has been going on its strange that I don't know where to start.
My cousin and I threw a cook out this past weekend.
We (well atleast I) had a BLAST!!
We had all kinds of food - plenty of adult beverages as well as kid friendly ones. Plenty of folks, music, and spades!! I had a lil too much adult punch as you can see me and my best friend Smoka are ten sheets in the wind on the picture.

It has been 7 months since I have been UN-engaged and surprisingly I find myself in another relationship. am I happy? actually yeah I am. My Mother actually got to meet my new "friend" on Saturday. Which went over well, they exchanged pleasantries she gotta plate and jetted. My Momma - always on a mission.

I am writing still just not as much as after my initial break with my ex-fiance. I am hoping to be inspired more and write more things to come. Many slams and open mics coming up I have to prepare for!!! I am not ready for my friend to see me perform yet. Because I haven't gotten comfortable with the stage again. I truly need to get back out there hard - especially since I am not babysitting right now. I can actually focus on something I enjoy doing...

My Grandmother is in rehabilitation after her knee surgery and my Grandfather just went to the emergency room with chest pains and his sugar up over 300. So needless to say my life has been sweet n' sour lately. But I'm dealing.

anyways ways - does anyone even read this thing???

Spiritual visits

Good Morning!!

I'm feeling rather peaceful this morning - Thank ya Lawd!
I just wanted to share something I wrote last night. Its a lil abstract, well atleast
I don't think the average person would be able to "feel" it but hey that's just me.

NE who this morning while I was combing my hair, the spirit laid on my heart "just listen" so today and the rest of the weekend or until I feel something else I'm going to try to listen and be still. . .

here is the piece I wrote last night. . . love ya!

Insanity lay waiting for me to break
Truth is my life looms in the balance
Yet his voice quieted the aching in my soul
How easily it could be
For me to stop breathing

He
Was
Home

I tried to escape the reality
That he is me
Instead I basked in his radiance
Allowed his pure brilliance to warm what was
Once so cold

He
Was
Home

I prayed for clarity
beseeched the creator
sacrificed my physical body daily
anything
is worth the truth
what I needed to know
I already knew

He
Was
Home

veracity sought though
I never wanted to acknowledge
Scared to death
That the path I was meant to walk
Lay before me
Bold and
unapologetically
It was then
in my 29th year of my birth
That I had lost much
But that was nothing compared to what I had gained
Wandering vagrant was I

Until
He
and now
Home

Clothed in my right mind
Perfect peace thatÂ’s inexplicable
It was obviously undeniable
Bewildered eyes searched my being for answers
Yet I had given up that search
Months before

Grandmother bit the apple
Mother digested it
And it has since passed
So IÂ’m oblivious to my nakedness
And if you ask me now IÂ’d never be able to explain
How it all went down
How I stood
Mind flooded with thoughts of suicide
No reasons to see tomorrow
Lack luster in my eyes
Where once distant stars inhabited
Glow removed from the cheeks
That once held smiles up with strength immeasurable
How I stood
With my life
Looming in the balance
Until HE welcomed me
Home.

slacking already

it hasn't been a month and I'm already slacking on my journaling or blogging or whatever you want to call it.

I haven't been doing any serious or thought proking things as of late. Working on my business plan as I try to do what I started to back in 2002. Which was you may ask? Promote my craft. which is you may ask? POETRY what else? (have you even been reading before today?) I know that my talent is God-given, it clearly would bbe RUDE not to use what God gave me not only for the betterment of his people but to show praise! can I get an AMEN and a Hallelujah?

if you didn't know before now I'm still a baby in Christ and my walk isn't where it should be, I'll be the first to admit. But I know it will get there. . . the more I put into it the more will pour out to me. Faith without works is dead!! (James 2:17)

Today I was talking to my cousin and I had a brain fart. I wondered, why do we use masucline terms/phrases when making references to strength and femenine phrases when in reference to weakness? For the life of me I dont' understand. This past week my cousin has been using the phrase "man up" and I had in turn adopted the phrase as my own. . .until today. The new phrase for strength will be "E up" which means Estrogren up. . .yeah yeah yeah its not that creative - BUT still one small step (yes I'm an idiot but you will not hear me scream GIRLPOWER! unless its in some way, shape, or form is funny)

those are my random acts of thinking for today ...

joyful, joyful

Good Afternoon!!!!
I have been having a great day all day today.
I’ve been full of joy and vigor and positive energy.
I almost would say I don’t understand it. But I fully understand it when the Holy Spirit washes down on you like a gentle rain you can’t help but be full of joy.
I lead prayer today during our prayer circle at work, another wonderful experience.
I know as I grow in my walk public prayer will be easier for me. I sometimes feel like I don’t know what to say. I just say whatever is laid upon my heart and keep it moving.
I don’t like the idea of prayer being full of regurgitation of the bible. It’s okay quoting scripture to remind God of his promises but also, praise should be included. At any rate, I just feel real good today- I wanna relish that! Perhaps I’ll write more later. . . .I still haven’t revised that piece yet. Trying to get organized and refocus!!! ASHE!!!

Monday, beginning of the workweek but not the beginning of the week!

Good Morning!
Today is a new day. Church yesterday was marvelous. I was supposed to go to church in Charles City with my cousin. However my friend called me and said he wanted to go. So I opted to go to St. Paul’s instead. The service was awesome, as usual – and I was blessed to be able to receive the message. A couple sat next to us, they seemed very happy to be in service. I interacted with the young lady to my left quite a bit during service, sharing my pen with her, talking to her during call and response, even hugging her at the end of service. Her presence alone made my spiritual experience so much of a blessing. When we were leaving – it was funny, that couple had parked beside us. Talk about God at work. I love it when it’s obvious he’s working with us, in us, and through us.

Whooo!

He is working on me daily. I love this feeling. I love that I’m coming to know who I am and who God intends for me to be. I still haven’t finished revising my last poem, I started over the weekend but lost focus; perhaps tonight I can go back at it. There’s so much on my plate right now, I am beginning to think my eyes are bigger than my stomach. I know that I can handle it; I just need to find focus. I wonder how other people focus. What is their driving spirit; especially successful people. What makes them keep going despite the obstacles, despite the lack of support (financially and emotionally). I have a spirit of determination, this I know. Just turning it on is that problem. I need to find an outlet to plug it into is all. ASHE! That’s it for now, Giving God all the glory this Monday morning!! Hallelujah!

Professions echoed

he said that I "brandishes myself with hate, which prevents me from loving someone" damn that's deep. It was the first time someone has told me about myself in a way that I didn't have any type of response. It touched me deep inside. But he's right that I have been running from real feelings - I have been yearning to prevent myself from feeling because I'm tired. *sigh* how do I find myself in these type of situations. . . .i'm PMSing as well and am full of all these emotions between anger, sadness, and delirium. . . ahhh the joys of womanhood! I pray that I will be able to love someone again, without the paranoia that trust is going to be an issue always. . .dang didn't I say my next post was going to be positive? I'm positive that I need to go to bed!!!

some people wonder why I am the "estranged" daughter

SO, I wake up this morning to a lovely soggy morning. I am SOOOO tired that I drag my butt into work 1/2 hour or so late - Oops, only to be greeted by a co-worker who says, the system is down for about an hour. Okay cool, gives me time to get situated - its is now 1:30 in the afternoon - the system is still down and we are instructed to "look busy" great! Well my brother's wife calls to ask me about when I'm going to have my nephews this month. Mind you I called plenty of months ago, atleast 2 if not 3 and said exactly what weekend I wanted to have them. I had also talked to my father on atleast 3 if not 4 separate occassions telling him exactly WHEN I was going to have them. SO now - it seems my father and his "wife" will have my nephews during the week that I had already planned to have them. No big deal really - just the PRINCIPLE of the thing. Yanno its funny I'm 29 years old; my parents have been divorced for 14 years; and I'm still annoyed with my Father's wife. Mind you I'm not stark raving mad - cuz hey no sense in it - just annoyed how they just "bully" themselves around. Now watch when I have children - they will have NOTHING to do with them. . ..okay so maybe I'm pouting for nothing - I don't care!!

Haven't written NE thing new lately however I do have a piece I need to work on called She a Capulet, He a Montague; I'll post that as soon as I'm happy with it.

I wonder - am I suppose to like put alllll my personal journal type stuff here or just rant and rave on various stuff. I guess since this is MY blog spot I can do whatever da world I want to. . .

my next post will be positive and calm - I meant it. . .

Day One

I created this web log because well. . .just so.
My friend Nita encouraged me, and I figured this would be a good
journaling spot and place for me to put my poetical-ness.
Yes I make up words. . .well this is good for today.